Welcome to the unofficial start of summer, friends! It’s time to wear those white jeans again, tan ourselves into a lovely shade of lobster red (just me?), and watch poor, sad, lonely Becca struggle to find words other than “Let’s do the damn thing.” Oh sorry, I mean watch her find love. Yes, that’s what this is. You can catch our whole hilarious recap of The Bachelorette premiere shortly, but since I have a much smaller attention span and am mostly playing games on my phone during the unnecessarily long episodes, I’ve decided to put together a best/worst list for you all. For example, a best moment for me during last night’s episode was when my garlic knots got delivered. The worst moment was when my handsome neighbor mistakenly received my Fresh Direct groceries and brought them to me while I was holding said garlic knot and wearing a dirty T-shirt. It was just like a meet-cute in the movies, only the girl looked like trash and the boy never called her and everything went horribly wrong. I’ll save the rest for my journal since I know you all are here for Becca. Shall we dive into the Bachelorette premiere?
The Appearance Of Jojo, Rachel, And Kaitlyn
I’m actually impressed that there have been so many successful Bachelorettes lately. Jojo is looking flawless and like she just walked out with the Miss Congeniality glam squad, Rachel brings the real talk and good advice, and Kaitlyn sits there silently. What, out of dirty knock-knock jokes, Kaitlyn? The ladies decide to sage the house to get rid of Arie’s aura, but I think they might need some bleach, lighter fluid, and a match, amiright? Not that I have experience burning things to the ground or anything!
Anytime Jordan Was On Camera
I get that the producers want to make Jordan into a villain, but how can someone who says things like “I wanted her to notice my shoes,” and “keep me around for the eye candy” be a villain? His pettiness is something we should all aspire to. I already have my favorite Etsy seller making his quotes into inspirational posters for me and my friends. And then when this Ken Doll who sometimes eats chocolates and watches a rom-com inevitably gets kicked off, I would like him to come to New York and mock my enemies beside me. A formidable team indeed.
The Chicken Guy’s Face
As a general rule, on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, I hate anyone in costume or anyone that recites poems. Unless you have your MFA, get the fuck out of here with your acrostic. But I was pleasantly surprised when I saw how handsome the chicken guy was once he got off his shift at Chick-fil-A. I assumed the costume was there to mask some sort of major deformity. Snaps for proving me wrong, chickadee.
The Awkward Dismissal of Becca’s Acquaintance
What is with the producers surprising the Bachelor/ette with people they hate from their past? I mean, I think it’s funny, but when you’ve been ghosting a dude for a year and they show up on your national TV show, that’s got to REALLY suck. Jake, you may be a 10 in Minneapolis but in the Bachelor Mansion you’re a 2, so see ya never.
I read on InStyle.com that this atrocity cost $22,000. How can something that costs so much money look so trashy? Is that also what the Kardashians ask themselves when they look in the mirror, or are they not that self-aware?
Hi Clay, is your name Play-Doh? No? Then kindly fuck off. I get that you want Becca to remember your name but she said she did, and yet you persisted with this Play-Doh nonsense. If this was me, I’d be referring to you as Doh Boy the rest of the season. And that’s why no one let’s me on TV. Count your blessings, Doh Boy.
Right Reasons Feud
TBH I don’t really understand what was happening here. There was a mysterious text message to Chris from an ex-girlfriend of Chase who said he was shady. Apparently they are both from Orlando, which I thinks tells us everything we need to know. I was unsure who to believe in the most boring fight of all time, but Becca picked the one who looks like he’s hiding something very nefarious behind those deep-set eyes. Cool, glad that’s over. If they dragged this out another week I really would have been teetering on the edge of sanity.
First Impression Rose
I hated Garrett’s fake Reno accent, I hated Garrett’s entrance, and I hated that he showed Becca how to fly fish in the pool. There are no fish in there, Garrett! But if you’re lucky, you might be able to catch some chlamydia. Anyway, none of this turned Becca off so she gave him the first impression rose. TBH I don’t think any woman should ever have to say, “you’ve been so wonderful ever since you stepped out of the van” to anyone but their kidnapper, but maybe that’s just me.
And there you have it—the best and worst moments of what turned out to be a very boring premiere. It’s like when people black out on one of your shows and allegations are thrown around and then you take away their alcohol as punishment they start acting appropriately or something. Not cool. Here’s hoping next week someone gets injured!
Images: Giphy (3)