I’m about to take you on a trip (no, not an acid trip—actually, maybe) back in time to a decade called the ‘70s, when John Travolta wasn’t brainwashed by some Scientology bullshit, cocaine was as obtainable as Usher’s herpes, and shockingly enough, the first-ever sports bra was crafted from two male jockstraps sewn together, aka the most innovative decade of our time, if you ask me.
Side note: How has it only been 40 years since the first sports bra was invented? Come on America—fucking television was invented before this. Like, imagining a boob-endowed betch running down the street in nothing but a shitty cotton tank with no support actually makes me want to dig my own grave.
Anyway, thank god for betchy jogger Lisa Lindahl, who shook us to our very core and set out to create the equivalent of a male jock strap for breasts. She dubbed her new contraption the “Jock Bra” and honestly, IDK how in the actual the fuck she came to the epiphany that two nut buckets would support a woman’s boobs, but it sounds like fucking strategy, if you ask me. So in honor of the sports bra’s 40th b-day (seriously, wtf) and just because I truly care about the well-being of your precious double D’s, I’ve broken down the best and most supportive bras that won’t result in chronic uniboob, based on exercise aka the unlikelihood of getting tit-smacked in the face by your own boob.
**Actual footage of mine and my boyfriend’s colleagues’ reactions while I tried out each of these bras:
Old Navy Go-Dry Strappy Cami Sports Bra
Let’s be real—yoga nowadays is either for people who can’t afford therapy or for Instagram aesthetics/pretending like you actually got out of bed this weekend. Thus, this adorbs strappy-back bra will UP your Instagram game, AND keep steady support as you namaste on the ground for an hour. It’s perfect for any low-impact workout and can even pass as its own top if you’re that girl who traded egg whites for mimosas during last weekend’s brunch. But probably the best part about it all is the price. You may have 99 problems (seriously, go the fuck to yoga), but another overdraft charge sure as hell won’t be one.
Armour Eclipse Low by Under Armour
I could’ve sworn I bought this exact same bra at Limited Too when I was like 12, but I like to think of this one as LTD2’s older hotter sister that survived puberty and is now in demand. My favorite thing about this bra is that it fits snug with little to no squeeze, so take a fucking hike, back fat. Speaking of hikes, can you just imagine how cute the strappy crossed backing would look as you’re documenting your entire 1.5-mile hike? Yeah, hi, triple digit likes.
Nike Pro Rival
I swear to god, this shit is like the Miss Congeniality of bras. Like yeah, it may not look like it’d be all that fab (i.e. Sandra Bullock pre-glow up), but give it a chance, and you’ll quickly realize it looks fucking amaze on, it’s incredibly supportive, and its Dri-fit technology will never allow you to feel like a sopping mess at the end of a tough day. I’ll wait while you tell me how many other sports bras you know that give you cleavage while withstanding any test you throw at it. Jump rope in it, bounce on a trampoline wearing it—hell, jump rope while bouncing on a trampoline. You won’t be disappointed/accused of flashing areola at your spin instructor.
Incredible by Victoria’s Secret
I, too, was personally victimized the day Victoria decided to selfishly and single-handedly sabotage her swimsuit line to focus on their activewear, like the bitch she prob is, but I’ll make my peace with it due to this godsend of this contraption. It comes in like 800 different colors and the sizes range from A-DDD. This bra is especially supportive for any type of high intensity activity, and the best part of all is that it zips in the front so you won’t pull a muscle attempting to force it over your DDs.
Panache Underwire Sports Bra
So yeah, at first glance, it may look like this is a what you’d wear as you’re being discharged from the hospital, but in reality, it’s so much more than that. If you’re looking for more full coverage and full support as you fake your third burpee in the back of the class, this is the bra for you. It’s especially great for those lucky few with a smaller band size and bigger boobs who can never find a bra that fits. So it may not be the most stylish brand on the market, but come on, if you’re really gonna attempt to ditch the shirt at the gym, you’re lying, and mostly just annoying. Don’t be that girl.
Lulu Lemon Ta Ta Tamer III
I don’t even know why I’m going into detail about this bra because its purpose is literally in the title: It tames the ta-tas. Sizes run all the way up to an E, and you can even choose between straight or crossed straps, therefore it’s comfortable enough to get away with wearing under your work blouse. Other qualities include full support of you and your heavy baggage, giving you and your girls plenty of space, and it even does its fucking job when you’re soaking wet and ready to go AKA everything your shitty ex didn’t do.
Berlei High Performance Underwire Bra
You’ve probably never heard of this sports bra, and neither have I before I conducted thorough Google research. That’s because it’s an Australian brand, and clearly Aussies do everything right, mostly because they were educated enough not to elect a reality TV star as their president. Among holding the girls in place while running, sprinting, jumping, whatever, it not only looks like a normal bra, but it also ranges in sizes from a C-E. Plus, Serena Williams aka Bad Betch Supreme reps this brand, so you know it’s some high-quality shit.