Congratulations Betches, we made it to another St. Patrick’s Day. Nestled between Valentine’s Day and Easter (two much shittier holidays), St. Paddy’s Day is the one day of the year when people are actually nice to gingers. St. Patrick’s Day is the best kind of holiday, because no one really knows/cares where it comes from, but it’s an extremely solid reason to get wasted. It might have something to do with like the Irish potato famine? I think I remember hearing something about like, snakes or some shit? Is Taylor Swift somehow involved? Idk, we’re not historians. Either way, St. Patrick’s dayis where it’s acceptable—nay, required—to get so drunk you pee somewhere you’re not supposed to. And like, sure, you could be boring AF and drink a larger-than-normal glass of wine at your friend’s apartment, or you could have the time of your life at one of these iconic St. Paddy’s destinations. You decide. But just know we will be judging your decision.
We’ve all seen the photos of the river in downtown Chi, which they literally dye green every year. We have a lot of questions about the environmental impact of this, but we also just like to drink. Come to think of it, maybe they should fill the river with beer? Can fish drink beer? Idk. Anyway, if you’re lucky enough to be in Chicago come St. Pat’s, there’s a huge parade through the city, and there are also like a million Irish bars if you get cold outside (likely). TBH if you live anywhere in the Midwest, hop in a car because Chicago is where you need to be.
This might seem random, but Savannah, Georgia has one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day parades in the country. If you’re in the mood to get out of the city for a few days, head south to Savannah for a more culturally accurate version. If you’re feeling really Irish, you can even go to the official Catholic Mass before the parade, because God knows we all have some sins to atone for. Just remember, the communal wine is the blood of Christ, and not to be used for body shots.
3. New Orleans
You’d think New Orleans might still be collectively hungover from Mardi Gras, but they always turn back up in time for St. Paddy’s. The Irish Channel Parade is conveniently located by some outstanding bars, and they’re known for throwing literal whole cabbages, so your Instagram caption can be a joke about boobs if you catch two. If you’re still in the mood to party once the official shit is over, don’t worry: the bars here literally don’t close. And, it bears repeating, you can walk around with open containers of alcohol in the streets—legally.
Boston has like 3 billion Irish people, so you know shit’s gonna get crazy. Too bad the weather is literally the worst. This year the blizzard is forcing them to cut the parade in half, which just means you’ll have to get drunk that much quicker. We don’t know a lot about Boston, but the parade goes through Southie, which means you’ll probably see the Afflecks and the Wahlbergs!!
5. New York
NYC has a huge St. Patrick’s Day parade on Fifth Avenue every year, so it’s basically like every other holiday in New York. There are also numerous official bar crawls happening, so if you’re in the mood to walk a few miles while you drink that’s a solid option. Either way, there’s always a way to have a good time in a city of 10 million people.
If you’re trying to be as ~authentic~ as possible, save up and head to the motherland next year. They don’t fuck around, turning St. Paddy’s into a 4 day festival instead of one shitty parade. They light all the buildings with green lights and make it into a huge cultural event with tons of food, alcohol, and hopefully a few leprechauns. There’s Guinness literally everywhere you turn, so you have no excuse not to forget what country you’re in.