Shopping for swimwear is pretty much the most miserable activity for everyone in the world besides maybe like, Chrissy Teigen, but it’s especially shitty for betches with big boobs. The one piece trend is basically fashion’s middle finger with a tacky acrylic nail to anyone with more than a C cup. Without exaggerating (which is like, physically painful for me because I effing love exaggerating), I’ve probably tried on more than 100 one pieces and have only found a couple that actually really fit properly. I’d literally rather go on bad Tinder dates for a week straight then every try on another ill-fitting one piece. Because I’m like, so nice (lol) and want to share my findings with the rest of the big titty committee, here are the absolute best big boob suits I’ve found.
V-Neck Swimsuit, H&M
Finding this one piece was practically a spiritual awakening for me. It has everything I’ve ever wanted in a swimsuit; an open back, a little side boob window, a cheeky bottom and high-cut legs. Normally, I can’t wear anything with an open back that shows off side boob, but this little masterpiece has adjustable straps to prevent gravity from shitting all over my entire life.
Plunge One-Piece, Victoria’s Secret PINK
Halter tops are totally perfect for big boobs, as long as they’re easily adjustable. This one has removable padding, which is something you should always look for in swimwear if you’re “busty.” (Seriously, can we come up with a new word to replace busty? It’s like, so gross.) Anyway, a lot of extra padding can make you look bulkier than you are, and considering your boobs are probably already bigger than the padding, you’ll end up with mystery bulges all over your chest if it’s a bad fit. Removing the padding is totally a game changer if you haven’t tried it yet.
You know when you find a swimsuit on Instagram but you’re terrified to buy it because literally everything looks so much better on IG? Well, I was feeling adventurous AF and ordered this anyway. I’m so glad I did, because the lace up front magically shows off and holds up boobs at the same exact time. The best thing about this is the lace up is super adjustable, so you don’t have to worry about what size to order considering the fact that you’re typically an XS bottom and an XL top; just order whatever size you’d typically get in bottoms.
Ruffle-Shoulder One-Piece Swimsuit
Normally, I’d tell anyone bigger than a B cup to avoid ruffled swimwear harder than I’d advise avoiding a dude who uses the pretty filter on Snapchat, but I was so surprised when I tried this one on. The ruffle is on the shoulders, so it doesn’t create an optical illusion that adds 100 pounds to your figure like most ruffled tops would. The fabric of this one piece is basically Spanx. So amazing.
Calvin Klein Logo Classic One-Piece Swimsuit, Macy’s
Realistically, we’d all wear literal trash bags if they said Calvin Klein across the front. Thanks, Bieber. Anyway, this super simple design is super flattering, too. Like I said, adjustable straps are lifesavers. Plus, the material is lined and really comfortable. I surprisingly have zero complaints about something for once!
The bottom line: When shopping for one pieces as a betch with big boobs, adjustable shit is key. One pieces are tricky because unlike two pieces where you can mix-and-match sizing, there’s no way you can describe your body as small, medium or large when you have ~curves~. Whether that’s straps or a lace-up front, look for designs that have some kind of movable feature that you can easily tailor to your own shape.