The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Now that the Bachelorette is back I can finally breathe again. I've missed the shameless man stripping, using children to emotionally manipulate women, and all the crying. Oh how I've missed the crying. I've also missed the bachelorette constantly referring to her future husband as her prince charming. I definitely did not feel the need to vomit after the fourth time that was repeated within the first 10 minutes of the episode!

All that aside, we're pretty pumped for this season of the Bachelorette because Des isn't ACTUALLY as annoying as we'd imagined, her guys are pretty hot, and she nixed all the huge weirdos on the first night. We feel like proud moms. But I feel like I'm going to get pretty sick of hearing about how poor Desiree was as a child …and you know she was poor growing up because all of her childhood pics show her with weird serial killer bangs.

But is it me or does Des totally look like a less trashy JWoww? And if she doesn't find love does she get to keep the Bentley?

Let's talk about the guys:

Nick R the Magician: May or may not work at the Burlington Coat Factory: You're gonna like the way you look…I guarantee it. My favorite moment was when Larry the ER doc shouted THAT IS THE WORST MAGICIAN I'VE EVER SEEN! But really, the most amazing mindblowing illusion would be Nick R making himself disappear. 

Bryden: Who knew the military was so chill about giving people time off to go on reality shows?

Zak: His crooked smile screams, “I don't like wearing shirts and I am a part-time serial killer.” Wants everyone to know he's serious and plans to do this by showing up to a cocktail party shirtless.

Will: Easy to remember by the three B's: black, banker, bikram yoga

Kasey: The social media hashtag man is mad annoying. “Hashtag FantasySuiteFail  #youregoingtobeembarrassedwhenyouseethisontv #nostrilstoobigtobetrusted”

Brad: The accountant with the wishbone. Must have conveniently hit up KFC right before he got in the limo.

Drew:  Hot. Maybe Gay. Pulls the mentally handicapped sister card a little early.

Michael G: I'm a little freaked out that our nation has a federal prosecutor who would sign up to be on The Bachelorette. But I totally take back my Michael G. winning prediction, I now predict he's going to come out of the closet by episode 4.

Robert: Spinning sign inventor. Totally looks like someone but can't figure out who. Please help.

Mike: Correctly notes that he'd be 30% more attractive with a British accent. Unfortunately that 30% would've gone away once someone found out you were trying to be a dentist.

Diogo: The man in the iron suit. Didn't we tell you to watch for Diogo? The D is silent.

Ben: Omg this guy is actually using his kid on national television and it's supposed to be endearing. Obviously a great parent bringing your son to a cocktail party. We have a feeling that Des thinks he's the one but he definitely isn't. Ben is to Des as Des was to Sean, makes good first impression, will fall short at the end.

Jonathan: The man who can't take a hint. Thought he was signing up for Tinder but accidentally signed up for the Bachelor. The highlight of the evening was definitely Jonathan's attempts to get Desiree to have sex with him at the cocktail party. “She didn't want to go to the fantasy suite. I don't understand what's wrong with her. I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I'm pretty fun and my mom says I'm very good looking and my love tank has not been depleted for years.” The potential sex offender count on this season has just been upped.

Juan Pablo: Former pro soccer player, current job includes reality tv star and forcing people to try to pronounce Juan Pablo. Token hispanic bro. Sounds a lot like Puss in Boots.

Dan: Beverage sales director, we assume this means he's a cashier at 7-11

Larry the ER doctor who looks like he has some issues. He keeps creepily taking off and putting on his glasses; would probs get along with Desiree's creeper bro. Also, we predict he'll never dance again… But all this talk of dips is making me want #178 hummus.

We always wonder, what is Chris Harrison doing during the cocktail party that he just spontaneously shows up at the end? My guess is a lavender scented bubble bath in the upstairs bathroom with Mindy Kaling's book.


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