Finally, the day has come. We actually know wtf Bachelor Winter Games is, and it might be the craziest Bachelor-related franchise yet. I definitely went into this one thinking there was a high chance it would be boring, but I have to tell ya, after watching last night’s premier, I might like Winter Games more than this entire season of The Bachelor so far. Blame it on Arie.
The premise is simple: hot people from around the world who were insane enough to go on some version of The Bachelor franchise all meet (here in the U.S. because, duh) to try and hook up with each other. Also there are like, mild sports.
The Opening Ceremonies
Like in any good opening ceremony, team U.S.A is overhyped and has like a billion more people than everyone else. God bless.
Ben Higgins is on his phone for the entirety of the parade, which I love. To remind us that he’s all heartbroken and shit, they cut to footage of him sitting alone next to an empty armchair staring sadly off into space. This is exactly what I need.
Josiah: I came off as self-centered last season.
Also Josiah: Let me kiss my amazing body.
Clare saying that she retired from The Bachelor but not Bachelor Winter Games, is exactly the same as me every time I go back on my word and get back with a dude I said was trash: “I said I wouldn’t *date* him again, but we’re actually not dating. We’re just hanging out constantly and exclusively having sex with each other. There is a difference.”
Now we finally get to the part everyone has actually been waiting for, aka, the international competitors.
First, we meet Yuki from Japan, who does not speak English. I feel like it’ll be hard to meet your fiancé without speaking the same language as him, but then again Colin Firth did it in Love, Actually so who knows.
Yuki informs us that she knows the words “thank you” ,“okay”, “hello” “goodbye”, “I love you”, and “Will you marry me?” which is honestly the net vocabulary of many Bachelor contestants I can think of so she’ll be fine.
Here come the nice guys, aka the Canadians. The Canadian team is bringing several different flavors of Canadian, including French Canadian Benoit (that sounds like a Star Wars name, but whatever), and hot Kevin, who looks exactly like Tom Brady but with slightly stupider hair.
Next we meet Zoe from China. Chris Harrison wastes no time telling us that they do NOT have sex on the Chinese Bachelor. In fact, they barely kiss. So I guess the Chinese Bachelor is boring as fuck.
Next we meet the one British woman, Lara, who looks exactly like Martha May Whovier from the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. TBH I was low-key disappointed that the woman standing next to her dressed as the Queen wasn’t the contestant.
So I guess Team Australia is the LGBTQ component of these games? On the one hand, we have Tiffany, who they waste no time telling us is bi. On the other, we have Courtney (male), who set my gaydar fully ablaze within .5 seconds of hearing him yell, “Hellooooooooo thank you for having us this is amaaaazinggg!”
Team Swedens and Finland are predictably hot and beautiful. If an American woman doesn’t kill one of these gorgeous Nordic bitches by the end of this then I guess I don’t know what America stands for.
Holy shit this clip of The Bachelor Finland makes it look dramatic as fuck. IDK if it’s this dude’s gravelly voice or the fact that I don’t have a clue what he’s saying, but I am entranced.
Chris Harrison: Lily from Team New Zealand is going to shake things up this season!
Translation: Lily is a messy bitch who lives for drama and she will make Ashley I cry at some point.
Also on Team New Zealand: Ally, who has a tattoo of a sloth on her ass because she’s…chronically constipated? No clue.
Christian is from Germany AND Switzerland and has been on both Bachelors. Christian is clearly a psychopath.
Christian: I’ve dated women from everywhere! Of every color! If someone is beautiful why not date them?!
Translation: I’ve got hoes in different area codes.
Seriously though, you know when a guy starts out talking about his dick diversity you’ve got a fuckboy on your hands. I’m watching you, Christian.
long and boring parade of countries comes to and end, and for some reason Santa is there? I guess he is kind of the king of winter?
Wow okay so Yuki told us 5 minutes ago she doesn’t speak English, and then hits the random Santa with an “I want present!” What else is she lying about?
To everyone who actually put their hands over their hearts when off-brand Chrissy Teigen sung the Bachelor anthem: You have brought dishonor on your home country.
Nobody has any clue that Trista and Ryan are the first ever Bachelor couple when they went up on stage, or why they’re carrying a lantern. TBH I am also confused by the lantern.
Ashley I: I’ve been friendzoned by all the American guys.
Translation: Everyone in the U.S. knows I’m nuts.
The Cocktail Party
All the foreign men start showing off at their different language skills while the American men try to remember even one thing from their American Sign Language unit in elementary school.
Zoe (China): All the men are so tall!
Translation: I’m in fucking heaven.
Chris Harrison takes a moment to acknowledge that there are clearly other Chris Harrisons in the international Bachelors, but does not acknowledge that he surely kills them all after every season to make sure they don’t get too powerful.
Yuki is employing the same tactic that I use when I don’t know wtf is going on in a conversation—smiling, screaming, and then just kind of pointing to my cheeks.
Lesley: What initially attracted me to Dean is his face.
Bachelor Nation: Same Lesley, same.
Casual reminder that Lesley just went through the extremely difficult and emotional process of getting a double mastectomy and if Dean does to her what he did to Russian orphan Kristina I swear to GOD!!!
That said, Yuki does appear to be going for Dean and if that happens I wish them the best of luck.
Ashley I is already out here gearing up for a freakout. As a general rule, anyone who says they’re “not going to cry” on The Bachelor will cry by the next commercial break. They call this Iaconetti’s Law, and it’s a rule of physics basically.
The New Zealand Bachelor people seem fun as fuck. Like, I would hang out with both of them.
Josiah: You have a fat ass.
Ally: You are black.
*Both immediately start making out (or, as Ally calls it, “having a cheeky little snog”)**
This Kevin-Bibi-Ashley I love triangle is a recipe for disaster. I love it.
Clare also makes out with Benoit in the kitchen because like, he speaks French and can cook so you gotta lock that down.
This entire game basically comes down to one thing: Do you know how to ski? If you don’t, you’re fucked.
Josiah: I hope Ally wins so i can get a date!
Ally: *Falls and breaks her ass immediately*
I’m actually embarrassed that a Canadian shot better than an American. Shooting is our thing. Luke is a fucking soldier. What a disgrace to the flag.
Eric not being able to ski for shit but still smiling his whole way down the mountain should be enough for every woman to turn around and declare him her soulmate but, alas, Chris Harrison is the only one who sees.
Yuki, who they clearly brought along specifically because she doesn’t speak english and the producers think it is funny, still does not speak english. Groundbreaking.
The two hottest people (Kevin and Rebecca from Sweden) win the game, as they should.
Kevin: Bibiana I choose you.
Ashley I’s Tear Ducts:
Ashley I’s actual face:
It reminds me of that time Scheana said on Vanderpump Rules, “I would smile, but the Botox is not letting me.” But if you replace “smile” with “cry” and you get it.
Calling it now: Benoit is too pure for this show. Benoit, you’re from Canadian Bachelor. You don’t know shit. Get out while you still can.
Clare: I wouldn’t normally kiss in front of people!
Also Clare: *has been on three different versions of the same reality dating show*
My only feeling going into this rose ceremony is that someone had better pick Yuki and that she’s the only one I care about.
Yuki: Dean, please me rose ?
Me: Can Yuki run in 2020?
^This face is too pure for this
Chris Harrison comes in and drops a bomb: This isn’t regular Bachelor, this is BACHELOR SURVIVOR — we’re voting people off bitches!!!
Now everyone has one cocktail party to go around and convince everyone they’re not a piece of shit. Amazing.
It’s pretty obvious to me this British lady only hates Josiah because he didn’t pay enough attention to her.
Ally: Other girls in the house are saying you’re here for the wrong reasons…
Josiah: *eyes go completely black* Tell me who.
Yuki is the best at negotiating for herself because she is the most direct. She’s basically just saying “Like for like?” and everyone agrees. I respect that.
90% sure I’ve seen RuPaul wear Courtney’s exact outfit on Drag Race, and I also respect that.
Ashley I is wearing lingerie — respect all around, honestly. Infinite respect to everyone in the house.
Me: Ugh, Clare is totally going to play sweet innocent Benoit, isn’t she?
Clare: *Plays Benoit immediately*
Christian: You’re the most beautifulest woman in the house.
It’s weird that Christian is so uptight about Clare kissing when he was the guy who has been on two different Bachelors in two different countries and started the day by saying he has fucked across the globe. Just sayin….
The Rose Ceremony
Finally we get to the actual rose ceremony. I was worried there wouldn’t be actual roses because of this whole voting thing, but there are — thank God.
We lose Eric (WHYYY), Zoe (China), Lara (Whoville, U.K.), Jamey (Who??), and Lauren, who was apparently on Arie’s season and literally nothing better to do than return to a Bachelor show and be eliminated.
I can’t stop thinking about how poor Zoe has to fly back to fucking China now. That’s a 15 hour flight!!!!!
Yuki is the final clip because, obviously that’s what they brought her here for. Her willingness to admit that she gives no fucks about having a big heart and “likes face only,” is refreshing.
The moral of today’s episode: The Bachelor has, once again, slept on Eric. We do not deserve him!!!