The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

It goes without saying that if you were playing the Bachelor Drinking Game last night you too would have been wasted by the time the previews were over because Juan Pablo literally could not pronounce anything. After the hundredth WILL YOU ASSEPT DIS ROSE my bachelor betches and I were literally drooling drunk, so much so that we thought Victoria was the sober one and everyone else was fucking nuts. But we’re fine with that because now we can’t deny high quality entertainment of week 2! Not only did we learn that the producers are just chill with a house dog this season, Juan Pablo loves to roll, but also Clare gives the world’s best worst massage.

Date with Clare

They don’t show Clare getting her date card because her shriek of excitement was so loud that we would have gone deaf and wouldn’t have been able to hear all subsequent advertisements. Thanks ABC, always putting viewers' needs first.

As the date goes on we quickly begin to realize that Clare is completely mentally unstable. While blindfolded in the car… “All I can do is smell him and he smells like heaven!”  This was edited from “heaven and rainbows and when he wasn’t looking I stole a piece of his hair for the shrine of him I’m starting in my closet.” Reminder, Clare is the one who showed up fake pregnant.

As he takes her blind folds off… “I open my eyes and we’re in a winter wonderland and Juan Pablo’s snow covered dick is in my face.”

Bitch can you like calm down? Clare does not speak, she shrieks. How positive are we that she didn’t try to snort all that snow?

Clare’s ice skating was about as smooth as Tobias Funke doing anything. 

This is the Bachelor so their Après-sled involved a hot tub and talking about dead relatives… and in Clare’s case, a massage that consisted of stabbing Juan Pablo's back with 2-3 fingers.

After she took the rose, pulled him into the hot tub, and had the most awkward make out sesh she announced that HE KISSES LIKE SNOW and then proceeded to do a run/jump/tap your heels maneuver. As I sit here fighting over the huge tub of garlic #178 hummus with my friends while snorting laughing – guys listen up – I realize that real women actually behave like Clare, not like me.

Date with Kat

I'm really proud that Juan Pablo can spell electricity

Kat is elated because Juan Pablo has a huge THURPRITHE for her!!

“Juan Pablo hands me hot pink running shorts, hot blue running shoes, and like 2 grams of molly.”

Literally dying that Kat is SO excited that she gets to go on a private jet on her first date to where she thinks will be some beautiful and exotic location across the world. But instead she ends up in Utah and is forced to run 3 miles in the fucking dark.

Group Date

A dog photo shoot how fun. Kelly the self proclaimed dog lover really shined on this one and announced that if one dog gets adopted from this shoot they’ll have saved a life! In other news she looks like she’s on permanent morphine drip.

Blue bearded creative director is Asian Mugatu

Lucy, the one who has willingly flashed the camera twice, gets stuck with the big ass hydrant costume. While the only bachelorette with an actual career gets stuck taking her top off. TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!

But of course Lucy was more than happy to switch. “I was happy to take my top off, as always”

It must be said that Chelsie is fucking crazy. Like nuts and it will show very soon.

Does Juan Pablo think Nikki is deaf because he continues to speak to her in hand signals.

Andi is really upset she has to get naked on camera so Juan Pablo, the gentleman that he is, says he’ll be naked there with her! Because comfort is not important and saying you don’t have to do what you don’t want to do is bad advice and will send you home immediately. No, he’ll just get naked with you, that’ll do it. Juan Pabz is just the best.

In an attempt to be dressed like a dog, Kelly ended up looking like she had a rare form of leprosy. Juan Pablo gave her the “best sport” rose instead of hot girl Andi who didn't want to get naked but did anyway, showing us that he totally gets how this game works.

But like, why was it necessary to get naked with fucking dogs?

Drunk Victoria’s lines of the night:

“That’s what life is about, straddling people…and things”

“I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch.”

“Juan Pablo is my boyfriend”

It was also amazing to watch her apologize to Juan Pablo in the morning because she barely apologized. She was just like “I’m crazy welcome to Brazil” … mother material. It was sufficiently awkward because she didn’t apply enough under eye concealer and didn’t know what to say sorry for because bitch didn’t remember a thing.

But really, Kelly’s lazy eye is so intense that her career byline should be changed from dog lover to girl with intense lazy eye. Both equally reputable career paths.

Rose Ceremony

Cassandra cries about her missing her son and Juan Pablo compassionately fist pounds her.

In the most attractive flirting technique I've ever seen, Amy speaks directly to the camera and interviews Juan Pablo. Sensual. Amy the News Anchor is actually the real life Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You. But she would have totally saved face if when leaving the house she screamed GO FUCK YOURSELF SAN DIEGO JUAN PABLO. 


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