Gird Your Loins, Ben Higgins Is Dating Again

As a living, breathing human being, I’m naturally fucking pissed Arie Lsdfgjsafdmn Jr. is going to be the next Bachelor and not someone qualified, like sexy man god Peter. So mad in fact, that I’m going to boycott the entire season. Does it help that Vanderpump Rules will be on at the same time on the same day? No, it most certainly does not. I probs wouldn’t watch anyway. But because of this excuse of a season, I’m being forced to stalk previous contestants/current Sugar Hair Bear spokespeople and revel in the has-been drama that is their lives. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. So what’s the latest? Ben Higgins is ready for a girlfriend again. Wow. In the words of philosopher Justin Bieber, so blessed, so moved, so grateful.

In an interview with PEOPLE, our fave ex-Bach said “I’m ready to be in a relationship again.” Like, a fucking quote. I’m not summarizing. This is real journalism, people. In addition to the best news ever, he goes on and on about how much he sucks at dating, which is weird because he went on a DATING show not once, but twice. Who am I to judge, though? He also said he felt like he was cheating on Lauren by dating, which is even weirder because like, they aren’t together and she already has a new boyfriend, so…? Hey, no one said he was smart.

But this is good news! Not only does this mean Ben and I could finally have our chance at love, it also means that Mike Fleiss and Chris Harrison and whoever else The Bachelor powers at be are can make up for their heinous mistake by bringing back the hottest nice guy to ever live. Or Ben, if you want, you can check your DMs and just respond to my messages and save yourself the heartache of going on reality TV to find love for a third time. Just a thought.