You all may know Bella Thorne as a talented actress, as the singer of the instant classic “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne,” or as the co-star in her own nearly pornographic Instagram stories, but it turns out she’s so much more than that. She’s a businesswoman. These days you never can be too financially secure, you know. Maybe she’ll lose all her money on stocks, or betting on horses, or perhaps she’ll spend it all on drugs! I don’t know! That last one’s just a guess! So, every Cosmo girl has to have a side hustle, and I’ve discovered Bella Thorne has quite a few.
Through minimal research, it appears that all of these products Bella’s selling may be in conjunction with her record deal. Which makes me wonder, who is funding this whole operation? Her mother? Because I listened to her music, and let me tell you, it is stuff only a mother could love. So without further ado, let’s investigate Bella Thorne’s latest business ventures!
Filthy Fangs Makeup
I’m not quite sure why Bella thinks that anyone would want to put a brand that says “Filthy” in the name on their person, let alone their face, but here we are. Not only is this makeup “pallet” (her spelling, not mine, check her Snap stories) line poorly named, but she’s also been accused of copying the design from a brand called Juvia’s Place. They do look similar; here’s a side-by-side comparison:
So Bella Thorne has a makeup line that looks JUST like Juvia’s place for triple the cost… like straight ripped off. Colors and packaging look… I cannot. pic.twitter.com/ZGlHlh8K1n
— 90’s Baby ???????????? (@WhatsLDBupto) August 13, 2018
Bella is disputing the claims and says anyone who thinks she’s copying can “go suck a f—king d—k.” Spoken like a true professional. I believe Sheryl Sandberg has also been quoted saying that. Bella will be fine, though—it’s not like she’s the first celebrity to steal someone else’s idea and use it on their own makeup line. Amiright Kylie?
Unfortunately for all of us, this palette of clown makeup is the least offensive thing that Bella is tricking her young, impressionable fans into buying. On to the next!
Pussy Mine Lingerie
Bella has also branched out into the lingerie business, because as I’ve always said, Victoria’s Secret just doesn’t have enough underwear with slang words for vagina scribbled all over them. A missed opportunity. So Bella decided to double down on her song “Pussy Mine” and turn the name into branding all over a set of lingerie. Really. I also thought this was something I came up with in my nightmares, but here’s proof!
I can see this lingerie line being a big hit among white guys with trust funds who insist their girlfriends call them “daddy”. I just listened to the song for the sake of this article, and it’s not as bad as you would think. It’s much, much worse. Like, so bad I just tweeted mean things about Kim Jong-Un in hopes that he would send a nuclear missile my way and put us all out of our collective misery. But hey! If it’s your cup of tea because you’re say, deaf, and you want to support Bella, that’s your prerogative. What can not be supported is this lingerie set. Not only is it ugly and crass (do I sound like my mom yet?), but it looks uncomfortable. Why so many waistbands? Teens, cutting off your circulation is never a good look. It’s never sexy to look like a sausage stuffed in casing. Unless, of course, your partner loves sausage.
Various Other Branded Items
Before Bella started selling the world’s most unfortunate lingerie set, she also was hawking underwear with the phrase “I’m cute” on it.
I could see maybeeee putting that on a shirt, but on underwear? Are you trying to tell my your genitals are cute? I consider myself a feminist and despise the notion that vaginas need to smell like peaches or look like rose petals, but even so, I would never describe them as “cute” per se. Strong? Yes. Powerful? Absolutely. I think you know where I’m going with this.
Yet another word I would never willingly pay money to associate my vagina with.
This merchandise is honestly so terrible, it must just be an excuse for Bella to post on Instagram. No one is really buying this stuff, right? RIGHT???
But, thankfully, Bella also sells lighters. Ah yes, this seems like a much more on-brand choice.
So you can light all this sh*t on fire when it arrives. Purchased!
After this thorough investigation, I think we can all agree that everything Bella sells toes the line between atrocious and offensive, much like her music. But best of luck to her with all her business ventures!
Images: whatsLDBupto/Twitter; bellathorne/Instagram (5)