I have some bad news for you, readers. Bella Thorne and her girlfriend Tana Mongeau have broken up. But I also have some good news for you. Bella Thorne and Mod Sun are still together! Wait…what? I know. We are living in confusing times. The Jonas Brothers have a new song, Jordyn Woods betrayed her gravy train the Kardashians, Bradley Cooper didn’t win an Oscar, sh*t is just weird. But it’s true. It turns out that Bella Thorne was a member of a throuple that has now, sadly, just become a couple, and I have questions. And lucky for you I also have a varying degree of correct answers that correlate directly to how much wine is left in my bottle. Let’s begin!
Tana and I aren’t together anymore, pls stop asking. We love U guys ❤️
— BITCHIMBELLATHORNE (@bellathorne) February 26, 2019
First of all, who is Tana Mongeau? And why did I, an active follower of Bella’s Instagram account, not realize she existed? My close friend Wikipedia tells me that Tana is an “American internet personality and rapper.” Oh boy. The only other words I hate to read next to each more than those are “mandatory” and “gynecological exam”. Tana also may be a scam artist, having attempted to host a convention called TanaCon which she canceled the day it was to be held. Fans complained about waiting out in the sun with no food or water. Should have called Andy King! He’ll get you water, no matter what it takes.
So, in summation, Tana seems very on brand for 2019. Bella didn’t post about Tana on IG as much as she did about Mod Sun, which seems about right because this girl makes even Mod Sun and his deranged murder eyes look like a f*cking prince. I mean, a prince with a drug problem, sure, but a prince nonetheless.
I can only imagine the reason I didn’t realize that Bella was in a throuple was because 1) I do not know what a throuple is and 2) I was busy at church confessing my sins after seeing most of her posts.
So, what is a throuple? I asked old faithful, aka Urban Dictionary, and she told me a throuple is “a threelationship; a relationship with three partners. The throuple walked into the restaurant on Valentine’s Day.” Hmmm but would a non-traditional relationship celebrate a holiday constructed by the greeting card industry just to make money? I guess throuples can have diverse interests, just like the rest of us. It’s Britney, Betch claims she already told me about this arrangement but I guess I ignored it because the idea of someone convincing one person to date them, let alone TWO, just seemed selfish to me. I’m not bitter at all. Totally fine. Why do you ask?
Both Tana and Bella have acknowledged on Twitter that they are no longer together, but that they still have a lot of love for each other, or whatever BS celebrities say that really means they’ll still hook up when they’re drunk. Thankfully, Bella still has Mod Sun to serenade her vagina and help get her through the pain of the breakup. Small mercies.
Images: bellathorne/Twitter; bellathorne/Instagram (2); Giphy (2)