208. Barre Classes

Thanks to the strong emphasis on being thin as fuck in modern society, betches have their fair share of workout options. There’s Zumba for the old betches, spin for the psychotic edm whores, yoga for the lazy spiritual, and CrossFit for the same sex oriented. But when it comes to exercises that combine both the expensive elitism of Soul Cycle with the graceful elegant femininity of Center Stage, there’s only one place an already thin betch who wants to get toned heads to: barre classes.


Betches love barre classes because they’re hard as fuck so you actually worked out but you don’t actually sweat so you can stay like, really pretty. Sure the exercise movements are a combination of what looks like having sex and what strongly resembles giving birth, but that’s just the price you pay for a tight ass and arms that are as lean and graceful as Mila Kunis in her Black Swan days.

So where do betches head when they want to work out with celebrities but not sweat in front of Jake Gyllenhaal? Physique 57, where you can spot Chrissy Teigen and Reese Witherspoon while looking semi special while semi pole dancing on a ballet barre. The idea of barre classes is to get lean without getting bulky so you don’t have to worry about any hot straight guys checking you out in what can only be described as a more intensive lamaze experience.

So make sure you do a barre class if you want to show bros and betches alike that you’re toned, classy, and elegant as fuck. I mean any ballet inspired workout is obviously a fucking bitch. Why else do you think Natalie Portman was so angry as the Black Swan? She probs just left an advanced Physique class. Fucking duh. Every betch knows that the only thing worse than being a bad dancer is sweating like a man so when you’re not barred out you should always be barred out.


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