I think we can all agree that 2017 was like that drunk friend who didn’t know when to quit before killing the internet puking in the cab or starting a Twitter feud with someone who def has weapons of mass destruction drunk dialing their ex. So, yeah, it’s been like, v exhausting to keep up with this year. That said, the one thing we actually didn’t fuck up too much was hair trends, because I guess something in this world is still sacred. In fact, I had a hard time deciding which trends would make it into my burn book this year. Now, does that mean I’m not still going to drag anyone who I felt even slightly personally victimized me with their haircut? Hell no. I need to end the year how I started it: by publicly shaming people I don’t actually know. So, here are the worst hair trends of 2017, and here’s hoping they die a quick and painful death in the new year.
1. Rainbow Roots
Ah, yes, because I’ve always wanted my hair to resemble a preschooler’s art project. I guess we have Australia to thank for this atrocity since patient zero the person who came down from an acid trip mid-hair appointment and started this trend hailed from the Blondies of Melbourne Salon. I mean, is this the universe’s way of balancing out the scales since Australia also gave us the Hemsworth brothers? Because that’s literally the only reasonable explanation for this trend starting: karmic payback.
2. The Comb Over
Similar to how racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment made a comeback at the beginning of 2017, so too did the comb over! Crazy how that happens sometimes. I guess nothing says “sex appeal” like systematic discrimination hair that’s strategically placed to hide baldness. Here’s hoping there’s an impeachment this trend dies along with the presidency that encouraged it. I won’t hold my breath, though.
3. Cinnamon Hair
Do I hate this hair color trend only because it’s associated with a person who agitates the fuck out of me on a daily basis with her Instagram stories? That’s certainly part of it. Pinterest and people who orgasm from just the smell of a PSL are absolutely to blame for this hair color becoming a thing this fall, and it’s a sin that can’t be forgiven.
4. Glitter Roots
Apparently fucking with your roots was right up there with being extra AF with your eyebrows, because people could not leave them well enough alone this year. I didn’t realize that 2017 would be the year that I’d have to explain why people wanted to walk around with iridescent dandruff, but you learn something new every day.
5. The Perm
So awhile back we may have said that perms were the next big hair trend for 2017, the immediate result of that article being that my mother acted smug AF in the family group chat and also that Taylor Swift made this look her own decided to ruin it. Apparently Taylor doesn’t want us to have nice things, because she brought out her own version of the perm for her Reputation album and it was… absolutely heinous really hard to look at. I’m calling it rn, 2018 will be the year we see a massive amount of 14-year-old girls rocking permed bangs in school photos—something they’re 100 percent going to feel a large amount of self loathing for about a few years later.
