This week on The Bachelorette we headed to Venice, a city in Andi’s supposedly favorite country Italy – except it’s not because she’s a dirty liar. ABC had no shame in doing a shameless plug for Italy’s biggest tourist hole and even got JJ to say this ridiculous line “This luxurious spa just minutes away from Venice. Great amenities.” But anyway, Andi took advantage of the romance embodied by Venice by dumping Cody faster than the fifteen minute tanning bed session he looks like he escaped right before his date.
Andi decided lie detector tests would be a fun little experiment so we literally got a glimpse of the actual Right Reasons Police aka The Bachelor Gestapo. Bachelor nation showed us that there’s no better way to build trust in a relationship than having your boyfriend take a polygraph and if you really love someone you will tear up the results before making out with no less than five other guys.
Date with Nick V.
Cody is super disappointed that he didn’t get the first one-on-one date. He totally looks like the most cultured guy in the group I can’t imagine why Andi would never want to see Venice with him!?
Andi’s reasoning for going on yet another one-on-one with Nick SociopathFace V. “This is the guy I gave the first impression rose to. This is the guy I let graze my boob. I need to find out if he’s for realsies.”
Nick: Today’s all about showing Andi the real me and not being salty.
Andi: OMG look at the pigeons!
Nick V. really explains himself and lets Andi know that he is a totally stand-up guy with this heartfelt reasoning regarding being called a bully: “I was hurt by Cody saying that I hurt his feelings.”
I love how Andi thinks Venice is the most romantic city in the world. She obviously never went abroad because if she did she’d know how dirty Venice is, because every romantic square smells like tourists and pigeon shit. Nick gets to tell Andi he loves her right next to this smelly shit-water.
EW are they joking with the pigeons? Nick’s like the pigeon man in Hey Arnold this is gross.
How does the gondola support the camera crew?
Andi dresses for dinner in a gold lamé gown that drags on the floor and is probably getting extremely damp on the bottom. Do they never actually eat they always have full plates at the end of the date. OMG A PRIVATE CONCERT NO WAY!
Sup with these masks? It’s not even Carnivale season!
Nick: I have been ‘masking’ if you will, my feelings for Andi, so tonight it felt right to take the mask off. – Actually, you just put the mask ON, asshole.
OMG Nick’s cheers face looks more like an I’m-gonna-molest-your-kids face
When Cody gets the date card they react like he’s a make a wish kid. YAYY BUDDY!!!
Secret admirer note: “We are on the cusp of something really special. Signed, your secret admirer, Just The Tip.”
Andi: Gentleman, meet Italy’s two greatest lie detector tests analysts who have taken time from solving Italian murders and crime to find out if you’re on the fucking Bachelorette for the right reasons.
Seriously, the shitty police work in The Talented Mr. Ripley makes much more sense after seeing this episode. I can’t believe they got these random dudes who can barely speak English to ask these ridiculous questions. This must be how Amanda Knox felt.
Andi’s personal lie detector test is the exact same thing as a fucking interview with Chris Harrison.
Side note: Why is everyone on this group date wearing blue?
Then the boys get grilled: Are you here for the right reasons? Do you think you could fall in love with Andi? Are you ready for marriage? Do you want Andi to sit on your face?
Where’s Robert De Niro when you need him? ARE YOU A POTHEAD FOCKER?
Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? No. EW. Deal breaker.
Josh insists on going on trust aka he’s a huge fucking shady liar.
Then we pan to this homoerotic yet tense sauna scene with Nick and Cody being angry and thinking.
Brian, whose face looks like he’s had a lobotomy says Andi makes him weak in the knees with the same fervor as one would schedule a dental cleaning.
Chris trying to lie to the other guys about being the secret admirer reminds me of Steve Carell lying about having sex in the 40 Year Old Virgin.
This make out sesh with Marcus has a little too much tongue. This is a family show ABC, I don’t need to see Andi’s tonsils.
Andi and Josh then have a deep conversation about their feelings about trust and lying. That’s so weird that the lie detector date would make Andi question how much she thinks someone is lying. Maybe Josh is worried because he’s wearing a fucking Burberry scarf.
Aww Chris the farmer is the secret admirer and it’s actually really cute. He is also apparently the owner of Pussy Boy Handwriting Inc. JK his handwriting is lovely, probably due to a lack of computers on the farm.
JJ is insanely pissed off that Chris gets the group date rose and tries to yell at everyone for being happy for him. “We should not be happy when someone else gets a rose. JJ is just as popular as Chris. JJ is just as cute as Chris. WE should totally just stab
Caesar Chris!” CALM DOWN BILL NYE, go play with electrons.
DATE WITH CODY
Andi: He has AMAZING EYES. They’re green and big and they pop and I totally don’t give shit about him.
Cody, solidifying his place as Jersey Shore Sean Lowe, legitimately greets Andi with “How you doin’?” He is def freaking out about the lack of tanning beds in Verona.
Who are these losers sitting around writing to Juliet? I wouldn’t be surprised if Cody like, couldn’t read or write.
Andi: Cody is the perfect person for this Romeo and Juliet letter reading activity. – Yeah, not CHRIS who was secretly writing you HAND WRITTEN LOVE LETTERS.
Yeah Cody, your high five really took you to another level. “This could be the start of a great love story.” OMG HE’S CRYING. HE’S CRYING. I can’t. “I can tell you that after writing those letters my feelings and connection with Andi are stronger than they’ve ever been.” You didn’t even speak to her you just wrote a letter to someone else. Pull it together man!
Andi’s weird incoherent rambling while breaking up with Cody could’ve been much quicker if she had just said what all of America was thinking. “At first it was the deep V-Neck blazer combo, but I think the deep pathetic begging topped it off.” Seriously can you imagine going on a FIRST date and the guy is like “I want to grab you hug you kiss you, roll around with you, have you meet my family. I wanna meet your family.”
I cannot believe he keeps saying he was tongue tied in his interviews he literally would not shut the fuck up.
What does Andi do after she rejects Cody? Like, finish her dinner?
Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
Is Brian reading the poem verbatim from 10 Things I Hate About You. Amazing.
See you later pantsapreneur. I guess you won’t be growing old together. It’s time to head back to the sewing machine where you can bring your glow in the dark pants to the masses.
Andi: I’ve never tried so hard with anything in my life. – I’m sure the Atlanta district attorney’s office is thrilled to hear that.
These bloopers are actually hysterical. HAVE YOU EVER FART IN PUBLIC!