The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

Last night's Bachelorette was so exciting I nearly fell asleep. James made me yearn to watch early episodes of Ronnie Magro crying on Jersey Shore, Michael G. reminded me that I was due for a FaceTime date with my Gay BFF, and Brad's eloquence had me wishing someone were around to put a sharp knife in my eye.

Set against the beautiful smog filled backdrop of Atlantic City, there was so much that could have happened during these dates. Yet for me, the most exciting part of the episode was catching the Jersey Shore house behind Des and James as they were pretending to listen to what the old people were saying. Wow, New Jersey is so romantic..said no one ever.

Date with Brad

While in a state where Hurricane Sandy ruined lives and destroyed homes, Zak W. astutely pointed out, “I think that's Brad and Des on the carousel …this is a disaster.”

I don't blame Des for sending Brad home. He's about as good of a conversationalist as a mime and has the personality of a marginally interesting PSA announcer.

I feel bad for the ABC interns who had to build that sand castle.

Brad totally didn't give a shit about being sent home, he reacted as if Des just told him that she changed their dinner reservation from 7 to 7:30.

Oh wait there he is crying hysterically in his private confessional. I figured Brad's deal out. He's a giant pussy.

Group Date

“I've always dreamed of being Mr. America…” I've been saying this from the beginning but I will say it again, Michael G. is straight up gay. Obviously there's nothing wrong with that, just don't sign up for the Bachelorette when you favor the Chris H's over the Des H's.

Michael G. is definitely more excited to work closely with the fruit cake in the mint green button down.

Juan Pablo has a daughter? Is she Dora the Explorer?

Unfortunately we didn't get to see Juan in a speedo. Maybe next pool party. Fingers crossed.

And Michael G. was also MIA. He was probably making out with the gay Mr. America mentor.

Kasey's tap dancing… wtf is this, Center Stage?

Des is clearly in love with Brooks. “Lion, no hesitation. King of the Jungle”

They go to Atlantic City and the most scandalous shit to happen was Chris writes a poem.

Date with James

The bubbles, they're beginning to… effervesce” – Bubble Bathing James in his private Revel suite and Chandler Bing

And James gets stuck with the New Jersey tourism plug. This is sort of like Sean Lowe's Make a Wish date as in it's not a date you'd ever want to be on and it's about as intimate as watching The Exorcist. 

James: These people that vacation in these houses will never be the same.  Yup, they will have to vacation in different houses.

Des, you're okay with giving away your date because you go on like 15 of them a week, let's not feign selflessness.

ABC, I didin't realize I signed up to watch Hope Springs, enough with the fucking old couple.

Manny's probably so excited to go to Atlantic City because he has a severe gambling addiction.

Is Jan going to give Manny an invitation to the fantasy suite?

WTF is James talking about? “I think a man has to go through a broken heart. By breaking her heart I broke my heart and so now we both have hearts that are broken and I'm ready to have a family.”


Rose Ceremony

I really hoped Michael G. spelled her name wrong on those stupid fucking cards.

Can someone please tell Des that potential isn't pronounced POH-tential. She's been saying this since Sean's season so clearly no one's given her the hint. It's probably because she was home-schooled.

Really? Mikey over CUTE Zack? Thats fucked. This is bullshit. I'm pissed, I really liked him. Ok so he didn't speak but he was so cute. Des, you fucking picked a guy whose most redeemable quality is the ability to move his pecs up and down over a book publisher from Cali? Idiot. Whatever at least I still have my Juan Pablo.

Des put on her cheap Aqua black sequin dress because she didn't want to waste a good one on New Jersey.


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