The Best 'Bachelorette' Recap You'll Ever Read: Whaboom Out

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

Last night on The Bachelorette we said goodbye to one phase of drama for a sneak peek into the next one. At first it was all about Whaboom and Blake’s extremely-staged-by-producers rivalry, and then we barely got five minutes to peacefully eat our Seamless orders before ushering in a new era of staged confrontation between Eric, Iggy, and their hideous scarves.

Of course we can’t forget to mention the opening scene and cliffhanger from last week: the return of DeMario. As with all douchebag contestants who get outed for having a secret girlfriend back home (happens to the best of them), there was no way the producers would let him leave he would leave without a quickie humiliating beg-fest.

DeMario: I told the driver and Bachelor cameras that I was going for the love of my life and that’s why I showed up here today.

Rachel: KK.

DeMario: In order to experience joy you need pain and in order to experience Instagram fame you need to stay on the show to gain followers.

Rachel: I’m glad that you gave me the quote about the joy and the pain and I hope the pain you got helps you somewhere else.

Boy Bye

Cocktail Party / Rose Ceremony / Whaboom vs. Blake

Is Rachel seriously laughing at the tickle monster with these giant hands? Why is she pretending to want to try them on? Maybe I’m beginning to understand how she could be on this show in the first place.

Rachel: Jonathan always manages to make me laugh.

Me: Because he’s a tickle monster.

Rachel: I’m really impressed that when I’m talking to Alex, he’s simultaneously completing a Rubik’s cube. — mmm sexy. 

Kenny’s shameless plugging of his daughter that he def ignores when he’s home is v awkward. He even threw in the printed pics so I guess the producers found a color laser printer in some closet in Bachelor Mansion.

Some guys bring Rubik’s cubes to the party, some bring giant hands, some bring pics of their fam. It’s really a night of self expression. If I had to bring a meaningful object it would probably be the Apple TV remote or my vape pen.

Blake is like, in love with Whaboom. Sounds like they hooked up and then Whaboom didn’t call him after. Total Whaboom move.

Whaboom: Idk if Blake has a crush on me but he’s trying to fuck me, Rachel. Please send help. — Whenever Whaboom speaks actual sentences without saying “Whaboom” he sounds a little drunk.

Whaboom: Blake has been standing over me while eating a banana.

Rachel: But did he finish the banana?
 — Because that’s totally the creepiest part.

Rachel then confront Whaboom about BananaGate

Blake: It would be impossible for me to stand over him eating a banana, because I don’t eat carbs, and it offends me that you think I look like I do. – Question Blake, is dick a carb? 

Is Butter A Carb

Blake’s and Whaboom’s fight after both getting let go at the rose ceremony was actually great, even if it was completely producer choreographed (no one just walks into someone else’s interview and starts reciting a whole speech, nice try guys). Some greatest hits from this exchange:

Blake: You’re the Whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentleman.

Blake: I’m not a failed comedian, I’m a personal trainer! — Blake says this as if this job is somehow an improvement.

Whaboom: You’re a failed workout person!

These losers are really saying whatever stupid shit they have to say to get screen time, it’s almost impressive. 

I’m too high for this shit.

‘Ellen’ Group Date

Chris Harrison: This is a one-on-one date that I promise you you can literally have only here in LA….


Nope, they’re taking a bunch of white boys to go on Ellen and forcing them to gyrate in front of a live audience. Not to be anti-feminist, but if they ever made the women do that, it would be really fucked up.

Yes Rachel, the guys are really “owning this experience” because they know that with every additional ridiculous thing they do or say they’re gaining Insta followers and dreaming of which nutrition supplement they’re going to start shilling next month.

I wonder what mischievous shit Freddy got into that Rachel keeps bringing him up. He def like tried to have sex with someone on the playground.

Freddy: I can’t go a day or a week or a night without thinking about Rachel — What, I thought you just said you found her annoying? What kind of weird brainwashing shit do they do these dudes in these interviews? What is this? Get Out?

Get Out

Freddy has been meaning to kiss Rachel for 20 years. At least we know he’s here for the right reasons. Ugh that kiss was cringeworthy though but so amazing to watch a guy who clearly fucked it up to think he did an amazing job and was really smooth. Too bad Rachel is creeped out by his 7-year-old self. 

Rachel: I just can’t reciprocate the feelings that you have for me right now so I can’t keep you around. But please don’t forget to hand in your homework and leave your bathroom pass in the limo.

Date With Anthony

Rachel: On today’s date we’re going to be doing things you can only do in LA
 which is riding a horse down Rodeo Drive. 

Translation: We spent our whole budget on celebrity appearances.

Producers: How much stereotypically weird white people shit would you like to do to portray the irony of the fact that you’re black?

Rachel: Just fuck me up fam.

“But why couldn’t they just *walk* down Rodeo Drive?” — whichever producer had to clean up the horse shit in the store.

Is this the same store where Corinne bought Nick Viall a $3,000 sweatsuit? Hmmm still paying that off, ABC?

Group Date

How is Rachel’s posse entirely made up of her former co-girlfriends of Nick Viall? Does anyone on this show have any friends before going on The Bachelor?

I feel so bad for all these girls because they are 1) wearing insanely slutty outfits and 2) had to do so much annoying attention-seeking shit just to get famous and popular enough on the show that they were brought back for this small part of this bullshit group date episode.

Also, say “my girls” one more time, Rachel.

What fucking men with regular full-time jobs can have bodies like these men. ZERO. No one who works at a hedge fund has fucking washboard abs.

Ugh can Adam just go back to giving bar mitzvah lessons at the local shul? There is 0 chance he’s winning. Get out of here!

Can we just take a second to talk about the girl who screamed “let me see your junk!” during mud wrestling? Moving on.

TBH the professional wrestler should be embarrassed he lost to a guy whose wrestling qualifications start and end at “horsing around with his brothers.”

How dare Eric suggest that she’s not serious about any of the guys. If anything, she’s the only person who’s not here to whore herself out, which is a big statement considering she started off dating 25 men.

Ethnically ambiguous guy who looks like he’s from Moana is in no way getting to the final four and I feel like they should just address him as such. No need to talk shit about Eric, there’s literally zero chance for you.

The tension between Eric and Lee has a lot of potential to go crazy. Like, I’m predicting a massive racial divide the likes of BLM, that’s how culturally important this is going to be.

Lee: You’re amazing bro I love you but seeing you mess with Iggy made me question your personality. I love you though. I love you. Did I mention I love black people?

Why is my name in your mouth?! My name is in your mouth!! MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH! — This show has so much homoerotic tension that they really should just replace name with the word “penis” to get at what’s really bothering these guys. 

Read: Rachel Used To Date A Famous Basketball Player 

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.