The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

The penultimate episode of this season’s Bachelorette was less thrilling than standing in line at Starbucks. Even in a long line at Sbux I can manage to keep myself entertained. Ooooh what’s she gonna get, unsweetened iced tea? Trenta? Oh damn she went with a mini Frap. Ew. Not even close. But even during this shitty episode I was able to guess every single thing was going to happen. Ben H — Sorry just Ben — got sent home on account of being barely legal. Shawn showed everyone he has zero percent body fat. And we met Nick’s family again, who looked so pissed they had to be on the Bachelor once more. Even Bella, Nick’s tween sister, burst out in tears of rage, “Oh not this fucking shit again.”

Shawn v. Nick: part I

The episode began with the continuation of Shawn confronting Nick in his Irish cottage. It went something like this:

Nick: Please sit, do you want something to drink?
Nick: Don’t you want to get to know me?
Nick: Why are you here, didn’t you want to speak to me?

Date With Ben

Kaitlyn seems to really like Ben because, “Ben seems to be really serious about his feelings.” Wow, a true Canadian Kerouac. 

Ben apparently fuckings loves horses…
Kaitlyn: And here’s what we’re doing on our date ::points to two uninterested horses::

What’s with that thick beige sweater Ben? You look like you just fucked an Ann Taylor catalogue.

During their date, Ben had a lot to say:

Ben: The last few weeks have been good with you, and I, and especially with me.
Ben: Why not spend a life together, that would be fun.
Ben: These donkeys have some sick haircuts.

Before the fantasy suite date card was presented, they had a few drinks in a castle. But even before that Kaitlyn rushed to the top of the castle, which prob took her 10 minutes, just to shout to Ben HELLO BEN! COME INSIDE MY CASTLE!! (Another hysterical move from a very funny girl.)
To which he responded: Sounds good lol.

Ben suddenly has a confession to make:

Ben: Wanna hear something crazy? My birthday was on this show…
Kaitlyn: No way! So what, you turned 26 or 27?
Ben: Actually, 18…Guards, arrest this woman!!!

But like, she didn’t even wish him a Happy Birthday. How rude.

When Kaitlyn asks Ben to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, Ben makes this super long speech which is like I love our alone time, bla bla bla, basically the speech he had planned a week in advance so that he didn’t accidentally blurt out, “uh hell yeah I wanna fuck.”

Ben: It’s been a long time since someone’s seen my dick me for me.

Ben: Best sleepover ever!

After the sleepover, Ben leaves the suite in sweatpant capris and a really hot light blue henley. Aka he’s on his way to the Fire Island ferry. But did anyone else notice that his backpack was like super huge. Prob filled with dildos.

Note: The producers made the best transition to the next scene in Bachelor history by showing a casual goat birth.

Date with shawn

Kaitlyn and Shawn go on a super normal golf date. Tbh this actually looked quite enjoyable, for Kaitlyn. For Shawn it went something like this: he was forced to dress in a tight bright pink polo, was laughed at because he couldn’t keep the ball on the green, and then was dared to strip naked and run around the course. Is Kaitlyn shadily making Shawn her submissive?

Shawn: Golf is like love. It’s something you can do until you’re old and gray. — But like, not if you suck at it.

Shawn: I’m a dare kind of guy — Says the bro in Under Armour long johns and a tight pink blouse. 

Kaitlyn: If I win I get whatever I ask for.
Shawn: Kailtyn you are absolutely hysterical.

Kaitlyn (continuing to make Shawn feel like a man): You can put your little glove over it [his dick]— I mean huge glove hehe.

I was really hoping Shawn would dick slap Kaitlyn in the face.

Regardless of how effeminate Shawn looked being Kaitlyn’s bitch, he literaly looked so hot running around naked so he wins.

After the super fun golf day, Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down for dinner.
Kaitlyn: The last thing I want to do is bring up Nick with Shawn so it’s going to be the first thing we talk about during dinner.

After this whole annoying conversation about Nick, Shawn says no to the Fantasy Suite card and runs to Nick’s cottage and murders him. End of season.

Shawn v Nick: Part II

WTF Nick, you are not helping your creepy reputation out by waiting for Shawn outside Kaitlyn’s hotel. “Hi Shawn, do you want some candy? Come inside my room!”

Nick is equally annoying: “Shawn just told me they spent the day and night together. Like he didn’t have to tell me that, I didn’t know that.” — Pretty sure you, of all people who have been on this show before, definitely should know that, since that is how the show works and you just did the same exact thing yesterday.

Nick: So I wanted to talk to you about our last conversation.
Nick: You spoke at me the entire, do you not want to hear me out?

kaitlyn and chris harrison have a sit down

This conversation was uneventful.

Kaitlyn: Usually with guys I’m like wow that guy is too deep for me, but with Nick when he talks about things like the news I’m like, okay, this isn’t that bad.

Ugh I can’t stand watching Kaitlyn pretend she doesn’t like when Shawn and Nick fight when she brings it up any chance she gets.

Rose Ceremony

At first Kaitlyn looks really pretty in that long red dress but then you see her dumb tattoos and then you’re like wait, she totally got that at Forever 21.

I like how they pretend it’s so dramatic that Kaitlyn needs to leave before she has to give out to the roses so much so they go to commercial. But we all know she prob just really needed to fart.

Nick should put on his resume: Extensive experience in being someone’s second choice.

Awww poor Benny, now he’s going to be the next Bachelor and then we won’t complain that the show is two hours because we won’t even notice, we’ll be too busy drooling at the screen.

Ben leaves Kaitlyn: Miss ya!

When Ben Realizes He’s Going to be the Next Bachelor

In the limo Ben was definitely reading off cue cards.
Ben: Kaitlyn changed me… I can’t take our relationship for granted…wait that one is upside down. Oh, right… I will definitely miss Kaitlyn.

After the rose ceremony, Nick and Shawn pace around each other in circles while heavily breathing. This was actually choreographed by Kaitlyn. She called it “territorial interpretive dance with sexual tension in the Rose Ceremony room.”

Nick’s Hometown Date

After practically a semester abroad in Ireland Kaitlyn finally heads to Utah.

Why is their entire family sitting on the couch in complete silence? Except for Nick’s mom, she’s having an extreme nervous breakdown which scares her daughter half to death and then the little one bursts out in an emotional fit of tears.

Also, how many fucking people are in this family?

Older sister in an interview:
They look like a happy couple…
Cut to a quick scene where Nick and Kaitlyn are doing a special dance in the middle of the family living room gathering.

Why is Kaitlyn speaking to Bella like she’s four years old?
Bella: Do you love Nick?
Kaitlyn: I like him very much. He is a very nice boy. Do you know how nice your big brother is?
Bella: Yeah bitch can you shut up now?

Kaitlyn to Nick’s mom: Nick brings out something inside of me. Usually it’s my breast..

Nick to his mom: Yah I like her. She’s great at making out. Actually jk I’m in love.

Nick to Kaitlyn while they make out: We should make babies some day…

Shawn’s Hometown Date

Shawn: My family will like you but if they don’t then you can GTFO.

Actual quote by Kaitlyn: Sisters are my jam.

There is so little to say about this date except that it didn’t really feel forced which means it was a really boring 20 minutes of television. Also, she has a lot of heeled booties.

At the end of the date, Shawn makes a confession to Kaitlyn:
“Back in Texas I told you I was falling in love with you… That was a lie. I am actually in love with Nick and we are running away together. K BYEEEEE”


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