Last night on the Bachelorette Kaitlyn got it in, faked her own death, and created group dates that involved making everyone talk about how great she was. Like the Alamo, watching last night’s episode was torture and we longed for independence from Kaitlyn’s trashy makeup and Nick’s serial killer smile. Unlike the Alamo, the after party was in Dublin and everyone was too drunk to remember anything.
Last Week’s Rose Ceremony and the Ian Debacle
Good job Ian you made a girl cry on TV. I bet they can’t teach that at Princeton. Also, who the fuck cares what college you went to? You graduated like 10 years ago man.
Ian is shocked that everyone on The Bachelorette is superficial and shallow. That’s like going on The Biggest Loser and complaining that all your roommates are fat.
Let’s take a look at some entertaining Ian-isms:
“I’m not lame.” – Ian
“I want to stop talking about sex, and talk about life.” – Ian
Ian: I just can’t stand all these movies quotes anymore.
Kaitlyn: Okay you can go shave your back now.
“So you agree, you think you’re really funny?” – Ian
“I went to Princeton, Deerfield, I have 3 hookers in my hotel room. I’m not lame like the other guys.” – Ian
“And that’s all I have to say about that.” – Ian
“I’m tired of talking about sex and people’s bowel movements.” – Says the man who immediately follows this statement with saying how he just wants to have sex.
“Oh man I wanna have some sex.” – Actual quote by Ian
Ian talking to himself: No offense but I think you’re very beautiful.
“I came here to meet the girl who got her heartbroken who was so weak and desperate she’d hook up with anyone.” – Ian
Nick then comes up to comfort Kaitlyn and I feel like I detect a very slight lisp. He tells her how deep she is, citing how much he loves the fact that she can quote classic American films like Dumb and Dumber To and The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Chris Cupcake’s wardrobe gets gayer and gayer as the season progresses.
I feel like Nick has a very slight lisp.
NORMAL COUPLES DON’T JUST SIT AROUND FOR HOURS TALKING ABOUT THEIR CONNECTION, KAITLYN AND NICK.
Kaitlyn: ME LIKE INTIMACY
Kaitlyn then goes back to tell the guys what happened:
Kaitlyn: He called me shallow
Entire group of men: ::GASPS:: (They were all thinking that a minute ago)
Kaitlyn, it’s not necessary to make a speech before every rose ceremony.
Joshua: The Alamo is my last stand. This is a different battle of survival. – Um I’m sure the hundreds of Mexicans and Texans who died at the battle of the Alamo would not be into this comparison to you getting bumped off week 6 of the Bachelorette.
Joshua’s shit sucks his hair got fucked up and now he has to leave.
Dublin and Nick’s Date
We’re going to Dublin Ireland, home of the Irish potato famine, consumption, and a great place to fall in love.
The following are dumb quotes said about Ireland falsely being the perfect place to fall in love.
Kaitlyn: There are pubs and cathedrals; Ireland is the best place to fall in love.
Cupcake: There’s so much green grass it’s the perfect place to fall in love.
Rest of the dudes: The Radison Blu in Dublin is the perfect place to fall in love.
Kaitlyn then lets the guys know that the first one-on-one is happening RIGHT NOW. The editors should get a raise for this one…
Shawn: I’d be very upset if Nick got a one on one date.
Kaitlyn: The first date goes to Nick.
Nick is such an abroad girl with his leather jacket I wonder if he got that from Massimo.
Nick: Kaitlyn looks really, really sexy. – She’s wearing an oversized sweater.
Kaitlyn: I’m just going to put my hands on your dick because it helps me be less afraid from the birds.
If someone grabbed my arm and tried to force me to Irish jig I’d be like ewww get off me.
THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW ABC can we chill with the close ups of Nick biting her upper lip?
They then whisper quietly in each other’s ears. “You’re giving me a boner.”
The music they’re playing is serious porn music.
Kaitlyn: Nick makes me feel like a natural woman.
Nick’s crazy eyes are jumping out of their sockets when Kaitlyn asks if he wants to come back and ‘hang out’.
OMG Nick can you not finger her at the table? K thanks.
Nick: I want to know every part of you.
Kaitlyn: There’s really not much there.
KAITLYN YOUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS.
“I could get a hold of you.” – Kaitlyn, def talking about Nick’s dick.
Cut to Nick walk of shaming and Kaitlyn putting her hands over her heads prob really, really wanting an iced coffee.
Irish Wake Date
Ben H.: I feel better about being alive when I’m around Kaitlyn – Um that sounded a little suicidal, pop a Lexapro Ben.
Chris Harrison: I regret to inform you that the worst has happened. Kaitlyn
fucked Nick is dead.
They’re having a traditional Irish wake? They have officially run out of ideas.
I hope Kaitlyn plays the same joke on her future kids.
Kaitlyn: Since last night I fucked one of the guys that got a private date, why don’t you all write poems about how much you love me?
The only thing I’ve learned from this season is that Kaitlyn is not funny at all.
Kaitlyn: I know that Ben Z’s mom died the other day so I decided to pretend I died and then make him write a eulogy.
Ben Z: Or did you not think I know what a eugoogaly was?
“I kinda wanted this to be a lighthearted thing.” – Kaitlyn on her fake funeral
Ben Z: I’ll miss you now that you’re gone.
Kaitlyn: Ben Z’s speech was just so heartfelt and touching.
Kaitlyn: Jared will you accept this rose?
Jared: Fucking duh.
OMG the cranberries are performing I’m dying. The Bachelor producers love Clueless even more than we do.
Sean then runs outside rambling drunk shit talking to the producers about his fear that Kaitlyn will bang two other dudes in the fantasy suite. I hear he’s already had sex with Kaitlyn at this point so someone is getting seriously possessive.
He then knocks on the door trying to find Kaitlyn and she’s eating a shit ton of room service. That is soooo what a girl does after a date aka it’s most realistic thing to happen on this show.