The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

Last night’s episode started off with the drama of the African American Mr. Clean. Overhearing Kupah rants during his exit interview, Kaitlyn came outside to sort it out because OH NO she did not leave south Toronto for this. She told him to leave, get out, it was the end of you and me. He said ok, fake smiled, and stumbled into the UberX. But not before he yelled some other scary shit. Even Tony was like, “this is such a weird guy.” So if I were Kaitlyn, I would sleep with one eye open. Kupah may come running back when she least expects and try to strangle her with the threads of a mop or poison her with floor detergent.

This whole ordeal obvi shook Kaitlyn up. Luckily, we were able to understand how she felt through her sheer eloquence. “I went through so many emotions, I was happy, then I was angry, then I was sad.”

Now onto the Rose Ceremony, during which sweet, sweet Tony said this:

“Getting the rose would be amazing. It’s definitely worth what I’ve invested. Stepping away from my job, my dog, my bonsai trees, all the things I love in this world. I see the world through the eyes of a child and I have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul.” 

Keeping Tony!!? I meannnn the producers need to focus less on who she keeps around and more on how she washes her hair. Those split ends won’t deep condition themselves.

Side note: Did anyone else notice that like three of the guys have bruises on their eyes. Are they having night fights? 

Sumo Group Date

The group date starts with two fat Asian men loudly and obnoxiously ringing gongs throughout the house in the early morning. Way to fight rumors of being racist ABC.

“I really want to be on this date, I really love Japanese culture, I love sushi, California rolls, everything.” – JJ

“Out of respect for this ancient sport we’re going to have you do the most superficial aspects of it and make racially insensitive remarks wear this cute outfit.” – Chris Harrison

This actually would have been the perfect date for Jillian from last season.

“Everyone has a really nice ass.” – JJ

After Tony loses the Sumo match, he gets really angry and aggressive because he hates violence.

“I’M HERE FOR YOU KAITLYN!!!!!!”  – Tony is actually Glen Close from Fatal Attraction

The group moves on while Tony stays home and continues his rant about violence. “Why do we have to fight? Why can’t we go to the fucking zoo? We can imitate animals. Who makes the best elephant noise?” (FYI this is a real quote)

Meanwhile back at the date Clint proves his wrestling skills by slamming all the men’s bodies into the ground. This arouses JJ, whose tattoo, tbh, looks a little infected.

After the date, Tony decides that he is packing his shit up and going home.

Tony: I’m tired of you making me beat the shit out of people for your amusement Kaitlyn. I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy. Why can’t we all get along like we used to in middle school? I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and butterflies.”

Tony: I’m going home.
Kaitlyn: Thank god.

Date with Ben Z.

A few things:
1. Kaitlyn just called Ben a “babe soda.”
2. She is deathly afraid of birds, despite that she has two huge fucking tattoos of birds on her arms.
3. Why are they filming SAW 24? I feel like things will get out of hand and Ben Z will like, saw off Kaitlyn’s leg off to try to escape then Chris will come in terrified like WTF DID YOU DO BRO, THE LIGHT SWITCH WAS RIGHT THERE.

But really, they made them walk into a pit of snakes for a lame password like roses?? Couldn’t it have been something more realistic like bachelor6969?

Aw how romantic, a make out session surrounded by dead cockroaches and a mummy jerking off watching you through his sheets.

Honestly, I’m not really loving this whole gas chamber plot line.

Kaitlyn: You got this. You got this. You got this.

If Ben and I can get through this fake haunted house together then we can get through anything.

Group date at the school

Great idea, take a bunch of college drop outs and make them teach shit.

“I GOT TAMPINS” –  Joshua

Joshua kissed his first girl in college and says things like “I learned everything sexual when I grew up by watching the cows” and “Girls, your uterus will die once a month.” I have a sneaking suspicion he isn’t going to make it to the fantasy suites.

Ok so Kaitlyn told us that this was a prank but didn’t tell the guys? How is this even remotely funny. It’s weird because Kaitlyn is supposed to be funny yet she hasn’t made one good joke yet. In fact virgin Joshua is funnier than Kaitlyn. 

The only good or entertaining thing that came out of this date is the development of our new crush Ben H. MORE BEN H MORE BEN H. 

Romeo and Juliet Clint and JJ

Clint is playing Kaitlyn for a rose so that he can stay in the house to spend more time with JJ.

JJ is gay but doesn’t know it. Clint is very gay and knows it but doesn’t realize he’s coming out on national TV because he’s so drunk and that’s something he’s going to regret when he watches this show live.

Clint and JJ’s romance escalates quickly. Clint tells JJ he has a cute jawline. JJ admires Clint’s love for turtles. In fact, they’re both “such turtle guys.”  Clint plays the guitar for JJ while they stare into each other’s eyes. Then they both sit very intimately on the couch while their balls almost touch. Swoon. 

Then all the guys have a panic attack because Clint is taking pride in being a villain. They all complain to Kaitlyn wahhhhh Clint is being a meanie. “Let the villains vill,” Clint says. Not totally pos but pretty sure he got this line from 101 Dalmations. To be continued. 


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