The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1 Part 1

The Bachelorette is back and with not just one woman vying for the love and affection of strippers and murdering yoga instructors, but two. The premise of two-Bachelorettes instead of one is interesting in that it adds an extra level of game where the Bachelorette has to get the guys to like her. But then again, this is only for one episode and then we can go back to not caring. I think this was ABC’s way of being like, “We can’t really decide which one to pick so we’ll let the guys do it and when one of them is left with a bunch of guys who wanted the other girl it will be awkward and create drama that we will just drag out until the finale. Perfect.”

I will choke you with that bedazzled belt you dumb bitch

In a surprising twist of events, Chris Harrison comes on screen to tell us this is going to be the most dramatic season ever.

He asks, Will it be painful? Sure. Will Britt put on deodorant before stepping out of the limo? Probably not.

Then he introduces the women, “One of them shed a lot of tears. One of them shed something else. Both give decent blow jobs.”

Finally Kaitlyn and Britt get out of their limos. Kait is dressed in a standard Bachelorette sparkly navy gown while Britt stepped out in a toga she got from the White House | Black Market store at the mall.

Britt: “I’ve never had something this expensive this close to my body.” Looked up the dress. It’s $25.99

Honestly if I have to watch all sparkles and jowls Britt for the next 6 plus weeks I plan to berate Chris Harrison via twitter and direct insta message until they kick her off or he blocks me. Either way, I will prevail.

Meeting the bros:

Is it me or is this season’s batch of men slightly more trashy than last? Tatted strippers, amateur sex coaches, restaurant managers OH MY!

So many guys we don’t know where to start! Should we talk about JoshUA the Welder, Tony the Healer, or Joe the Token Black Guy first (just kidding, I think there’s two this season! Bonus diversity points for ABC).

Joshua first. He’s a fucking welder. From Kuna Idaho. That’s all. Who even welds anymore, honestly?

Joe. Did you rent that kid? Did they borrow leftover casting from Teen Mom?

Tony. Tony Tony Tony. He smiles when stretching out his clients and speaks to his fauna. He also told both women the same thing when introducing himself, super creepily, with a gigantic bruise on his face. Looks like he either tranquilized the left side of his face or got into a fight over a first row spot at yogalates. The universe provides #blessed

JJ. the typical finance guy who loves the sound of his own voice. Told Kaitlyn he’d like to puck her which was like not funny yet she almost pissed herself laughing. Ryan put it delicately:
JJ: Why are you taking your clothes off?
Ryan: Why am I not raping you right now?

Speaking of Ryan, our favorite misogynistic drunk bro, who looks like he works at Bud Light and is always #upforwhatever and happens to also be Nikki Ferrel’s ex boyfriend, realized he was being kicked off and tried to pretend he was sober. Like when he was getting into the van he was walking so slow he looked like he was walking down the aisle. But in his mind he was def thinking yeah man I got this. I’m fucking smooth. Just two minutes prior he tripped over his big toe and hit his head on the pool tiles. Here are our fave Ryan quotes:

“I know this looks like a real drink but its actually fireball on the rocks.” – Ryan

“You do suck by the way.”  – Ryan

“I’m gonna take her for a steak dinner and never call her again.” – Ryan, by way of Anchorman.

“I didn’t do anything. Besides being awesome.” – Ryan

“Everyone’s all mad at me….I don’t know, a couple hoes.” – Ryan

Shawn E. The guy who looks EXACTLY like Neal McDonahugh, you know that blonde actor who shouldn’t be blonde from Desperate Housewives and Suits. Shows up in a hot tub car a la Tom Haverford. His ego is deflated when Ryan proclaims it’s not cool. Shawn is a sex coach. Excuse me, an amateur sex coach. Certified in “doing stuff.”

Joe. The super Southern guy with the unfortunately placed forehead dimple.

The dentist. Name forgotten. Arrives in a cupcake. Who pays for this shit? 

Josh. The law student stripper who I really thought was a fireman for a quick second.

Brady. The musician from Nashville. Clearly rejected from the show Nashville. Pro Britt, thinks he’ll have a blast with her probablyy because he too does not bathe.

Ian. The injured Ivy League track star. Will prob be a top runner for Kaitlyn if she makes it.

Corey. The 30 year old investment banker who looks 57.

Jared. Restaurant Manager. Dresses like a gay Superman.

Ben. Hot personal trainer. Sort of looks like a less hot version of Chris Evans.

Tanner. Brought Britt the tissues. Kaitlyn asks if those were those tissues or a bar of soap. BURN.

Shawn B. The guy who hits it off with Kaitlyn, shows up dressed and styled almost identically to Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love. Im not kidding people. He tried like WAY TOO HARD.

That was almost all for the men. If I forgot anyone it’s because they were boring or I wasn’t paying attention. Oh almost forgot, during the meet and greet Kaitlyn thought she could one-up Britt by prematurely running into the house and remind the guys that she swallows.

Ugh Kaitlyn’s so quirky and loveable you guys. A modern day Zooey Deschanel. Like when she opened the cocktail party by saying, “I know this is classic Kaitlyn…” and finished with a terrible joke.

The rest of the evening went like this:
Girls meet guys. Girls get more and more drunk. Ryan takes his clothes off. Girls talk about how nervous they are. Tony’s bruise grows inexplicably larger. Guys vote. Show is to be continued. People throw remote at television.

Overheard during the Cocktail Party

“Britt is more of a trophy wife Kaitlyn is more of a girl who can read so it’s like, I really can’t decide.”

“I’m voting for Britt because she got hit by a bus. I’m voting for Kaitlyn because she pushed her.”

“Touch is extremely important to me and the energy coming from the chest with Britt’s name was pulsating.” – Tony. For someone who is so at peace he looks awfully psychotic. 

One of the guys to Kaitlyn: I like how you’re so confident.
Kaitlyn to the producer just before this conversation: Ugh does this dress make my arms look fat? 

Britt: Is faith important to you?
Brady: Yahh
Britt: DUUUuuuude
(This is the conversation both Britt and Brady said was aaaaaamazing)

Britt waiting to find out who’s chosen: Tonight, I’ll either be the happiest woman on the planet, or I’ll have to call Jade for some career advice.


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