The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: I’m Bored Now

Last night’s surprise hometown dates were like, the most boring shit I’ve ever had to endure for two hours straight. Between the fake drama they tried to start with Bryan, to Peter’s monotonous proclamations of ‘not being ready,’ we really missed Dean and his dysfunctional family. Also, for some reason that made no real sense, they switched up the order and had three dudes meet Rachel’s family instead of the usual boring two.

Bryan: Rachel changed the game so we’re meeting the family first… it’s just crazy because like…I thought we were fucking first

Peter Meets the Family

Fuckboy Monday:
Rachel: I’m falling in love with you too, in case you didn’t know that
Peter: I kind of had a feeling

Peter could give 2 shits about picking out a gift for Allister. 

Peter talking about his relationships with Rachel is so uncomfortable it feels like an interview.

Rachel: From the moment I met Peter he stood out to me as someone I was really attracted to as a result of his ‘I will never commit to you’ vibe.
Peter: And I was falling in love with Rachel…so that’s why you should hire me. 

Everyone is so unemotional on this date it’s so weird.

Meanwhile back at the house, Bryan and Eric have a conversation that shows what a completely skewed brainwashed reality all these men are living in.

Bryan: [Peter] says he may not say I love you and propose to her after 8 weeks. 
Eric: What a complete piece of shit. 

Back at Rachel’s house we get to meet the whole judgmental fam. Everyone is ignoring the fact that Rachel’s dad is a judge and therefore can’t appear on the show, which makes sense. I mean, imagine if you got to court and recognized your judge from The Bachelorette? I’m pretty sure that counts as a mistrial.

Anyway, Peter has too much gray hair to be so non-committal. Get it together man, this is the show you signed up for!

Rachel’s relative: What are Rachel’s flaws?
Peter: She decided to go on The Bachelorette

I love Rachel saying that Peter has small town roots and is just a nice Midwestern guy as if he’s not going to immediately move to LA and start doing modeling jobs after he gets eliminated. 

Peter is the Kourtney Kardashian of the trio of remaining guys (monotone). Eric is Khloé because sports and Bryan is Kim because he likes fillers and his mom’s obsessed with him.

Date With Eric

Rachel: Have you done this [met someone’s parents] before?
Eric: Yeah at prom. – ERIC’S WINNING THIS ONE PEOPLE!

What is Rachel’s sister hiding under those sleeves?

Eric is way more committed than Peter but Rachel’s going to ignore that and pick douchebag Peter.

Eric says “I love her unconditionally, but I’m not in love.” What does that even mean?

It’s like someone gave Eric a small handbook that says exactly what one is supposed to say when they go on The Bachelorette
– What’s meant to be will be. 
– We’ll continue on the journey. 
– This feels great.

Date with Bryan

Bryan meets Rachel’s squad and it’s underwhelming.

Bryan: I’m 37, but I look 32, thanks to @miamiderm #ad

Great Bryan, the first thing you tell your girlfriend’s mom is that your mother is the number one woman in your life.

WTF is Bryan doing in the bathroom for this long? A couple lines?

Is Bryan just a robot that spews made for TV bullshit? “From day 1 I felt that she was my girlfriend.” 

I basically blacked out during this whole hometown date because it’s so boring even with their fake drama shit where Rachel pretends to be devastated that her whole family isn’t praying to the God of Bryan. 

Spain

Rachel: The Rioja region of Spain is so beautiful. It’s known for… rioja.

Rachel: Right now I’m in Spain with Bryan, Peter, and Eric. You may remember them from the past wasted hour of your life.

Eric

Rachel is more excited about this helicopter than she’s ever been about Eric. 

There is literally nothing to say about this date. 

Rachel: It’s everything for me to know how Eric feels.

Rachel: Eric how do you feel? 
Eric: Dope

OMG I have a feeling like maybe Eric can’t read. He read that card extremely slowly. 

Rachel is clearly having a really difficult time parting with Eric.

Rachel: K BYE

Peter

Okay but like why wouldn’t they send someone who spoke English to speak to Peter and Rachel in the wine cellar? The only Spanish word Rachel can say is “gracias.”

I love how Peter is casually just nibbling the cheese while this guy tries to sing his romantic song. 

Peter is more excited about the wine locker than Rachel. 

Peter: Idk if I can get engaged to you yet
Producers: Fuck, send in the little girl who has clearly signed off on a camera release to table this conversation.

Come on Rachel what are you sacrificing by being here? Billable hours?

Rachel’s clearly just been brainwashed by producers to think that engagement at the end of this is NECESSARY and Peter is being irrational by wanting to date his fiancé for more than 9 weeks.

Except that we know that this cliffhanger is bullshit and they’ll miraculously figure it out within the first minute of the finale.

Betches is starting a Bachelor Podcast starting with next season of ‘Bachelor In Paradise.’

We’re literally so excited and you should be too!

 

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