Could these hometown dates have BEEN anymore terrifying? From Eric’s corner boy tour of Baltimore to Dean’s abandonment confrontation with his asshole dad, to Peter’s mom’s hair, that was honestly one of the most real slash scary slash awfully depressing two hours of television. Let’s just get into it before I start crying for wittle baby Dean again.
Date with Eric:
“Murder, drugs, and crime… Baltimore is the perfect place to fall in love”
Eric Taking Rachel On Some Twisted Disney Tour: Oh look they’re selling drugs over there right now! Shall we take a look!?
Turns out Eric’s hometown date isn’t exciting enough for the Bachelorette producers so they just show footage from The Wire.
Eric then plays basketball with some guy who seems like he has no idea what the Bachelorette is.
Friend: Eric got straight A’s in school growing up
Eric: Yeahhhh man I did.
Rachel: *thinks back to when he spelled façade PSYDE*
Anyone catch Eric’s gigantic smile when Rachel hugs him before they go in to meet his family? Was she like touching his dick? I was confused.
We meet Eric’s family, and it’s hard to pay attention because I’m fully FLIPPING over every one of his family members’ outfits: pink pants, an off the shoulder top sequin top, sparkly choker, and serious up do. Somebody knew they were gonna be on TV today.
Rachel: Tell it from the beginning. About how we first met!
Eric: Rachel we are on a dating show, everyone knows how we met. There are fucking cameras in my living room.
Aunt Verna: What’s it like being the first black bachelorette?
Rachel: It’s chill. Made out with a ton of white dudes.
Eric’s mom (who looks 45)’s face during every conversation with every person on this show:
Erics dad: So what are you gonna do next Eric?
Eric: I’m tryina shut it down maaaaan
Date With Bryan:
First of all, OF COURSE Bryan is from Miami. It all makes much more sense to me.
Rachel: Miami just screams Bryan, it’s hot, it’s steamy, it has cheek implants.
Bryan is wearing an ombre shirt that blends into his pants. He’s clearly living his best life.
Rachel: The fuck…dominos? I thought we were going to Liv.
When Bryan was like “I heard you like dominos” I honestly thought he was going to take her to get pizza. What if Bryan was lying about his job as a chiropractor and he’s actually a club promoter? Could happen.
Nothing hotter than bringing someone on a date where you speak a different language that they don’t understand in front of them the whole time.
Bryan’s house reminds me a lot of The Birdcage.
Bryan’s obsessive mom: If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.
His mom sounds just like my mom except my moms not in love with me: “You skinny Bryan. Are you eating good? Your hair. It is different. Did you cut it? They did not do a good job.”
Bryan’s mom has a very valid point: You have lots of girls, you went out with LOTS OF GIRLS and you go on a show and you fall in love with the girl on the show? Dis is crazy.
The sister talking about his ex girlfriend’s demise sounds like the family killed her and hid her body, especially considering his mom threatens to kill Rachel like two seconds later. Can we get the cops on this, please?
Date With Peter:
Wiscooooo. Are they gonna go to the KK? I lost my sunglasses there in 2010 maybe they can ask a bartender for me? K thanks Pete.
Serious question: Did Peter hire the actors who play the friends in The Devil Wears Prada to pose as his multi-ethnic Midwestern squad?
That couch with the cup holders between every chair looks mad comfortable and amazing for pregames. True Wisco hospitality right there.
Peters mom to his hairstylist: Give me Long Island Medium.
At what point do people like us decide that we would look much better with a hairdo like Lynn’s? Like when do we start looking like moms? I don’t get it.
I’m bored. Peter is a fuckboy. Doesn’t want to commit. Thinks his gapped teeth are too good for Rachel.
Rachel: Omg I totally did not come on The Bachelorette to come away with ONLY a boyfriend.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Date With Dean:
How come people are always laughing every time someone opens a champagne bottle? CHAMPAGNE YOU’RE ONE HILARIOUS MOTHER FUCKER!!!!
TBH, if I was this emotionally unprepared for Dean’s hometown visit I cannot imagine how Dean felt.
Earth to Dean, maybe the best time to see your dad when you haven’t seen him in 19312 years isn’t on national television in front of a girl you plan on marrying in 3 weeks.
Realtalk though – total respect for Deans dad’s newfound Sikhism. Zero respect for his choice of outfit color.
Liteally so many emotions during this hometown date. First you’re SO uncomfortable for Dean. Then you’re so sad for his dad. Then you’re like really mad at his dad for being an asshole. Then you realize this is being filmed so its like 10x more awkward in real life. How did the Bachelor producers get their entire family on board!? How did Dean’s dad raise someone who looks like his job is to stand shirtless outside of Abercrombie and Fitch?!?!? I need answers.
Dean’s father the penniless citar player. Does that make Rachel Satine, the courtesan? Come to think of it, Dean does look/act like Ewin Mcgreggor’s character in Moulin Rouge. I smell a remake!
“Dinner is made of lots and lots of mung bean…” are they all just going just sit around mediating and farting later?
Dean: I just thank the Lord your mother didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.
Dean’s Dad: I’m here honoring you, I made you a lovely curry dinner, I gave you a flower. I AM FATHER OF THE YEAR!
Dean: I love you regardless
Dean’s Dad: Well, whatever
Also, like where the fuck do they live? This shit looks like a Lord Of The Rings movie. Also, I feel like the beanbag chairs they are making out on are v unhygienic.
So is Dean like, sleeping over at his dad’s place? Surprised he didn’t jump on the back of Rachel’s Uber XL. “TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!”
Tbh I hate when she wears so much eye shadow. But her dress is gorgeous so it makes up for it.
Me When She Didn’t Call Dean’s Name: I AM SHOOKETH!!!!!!!!
Like that was a seriously bold move to let Dean go home even after she said she was falling for him. It made sense and was a logical move because he’s a baby and has serious issues he needs to work through but poor baby Dean!!!
It’s really a fucking shame she didn’t let Eric home because it would have made for an excellent opportunity for him to shout “I DID NOT LEAVE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.”