The Best 'Bachelorette' Recap You'll Ever Read: Kenny's Tears

Last night on part two of the most boring season of The Bachelorette ever, Rachel dumped four people, watched an old couple make out, had her suitors channel their inner Viking and sent home a crying wrestler. Can Kenny get himself a role on Total Divas because I have a feeling the world isn’t done with him yet. 

2-On-1 Date End

BOY BAI racist Lee

Is Kenny kidding? He like, went to go get the last word in like he’s in fifth grade. Sorry Kenny, part two of your date has been cancelled due to lack of hustle to the helicopter.

But seriously, can both of these guys leave? I’m over it. Bring back Olivia, she knew how to do a two-on-one right.

How come Kenny is allowed to FaceTime with his daughter, is there not a no cell phone policy?

Also, can he stop crying to his daughter? This is like emotional abuse, you’re supposed to comfort the kid.

Okay, Kenny is Gail from Wet Hot American Summer.

Mackenzie, Kenny’s 10-year-old: You deserve to be happy. If you really like her then you really like her. 

Rose Ceremony

Really I would’ve thought Josiah would make it further but I guess he was like, very immature.

Josiah: You really think Alex the KGB agent is better than me? You think the guy that brings a doll that looks like Mike Meyers is better than me? Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your “do whatever it takes, ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as the first black Bachelorette, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as the first black Bachelorette, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?”
Rachel: We’re staying at the Marienlyst Beach Hotel. It’s the perfect place for a storybook romance. #ad #sponsored

Date With Eric

Eric is definitely the fuckboy Rachel wants but knows isn’t good for her.

Why are they getting drinks with a random old man? This date is very boring.


Eric is like, listing the anti-rap sheet for why he’s a good catch.

Eric: Let’s start with a vague description of my debilitating mommy issues which will be solved entirely by getting this rose tonight.

Group Date

Morton and the other random Viking teacher man def accidentally said “fucking” instead of “fighting”. 

This group date is like A Knight’s Tale except instead of dying like Heath Ledger, Kenny merely gets a flesh wound. I really hate this date. It’s really fucking stupid, and the fact that they used Kenny with the bloody eye as a preview for his fight with Lee is even more dumb.

How much of The Bachelorette is just putting on embarrassing outfits and doing stupid shit and pretending to love it? 

Having to hold this plastic trophy while wearing this Viking costume is an incentive not to win this game.

Is Kenny suddenly over Rachel? Is it because he actually had a thing for Lee the whole time and now that he’s gone, Kenny wants to leave too? Also, can they stop saying they’re keeping it absolutely one hundred, what happens if someone only keeps it 99.

Dean, who is obviously gay, would definitely not be a good Viking, I agree. 

Can she just pick Bryan? Because TBH this is like, a little too obvious. 

Kenny: Guess what? I’m coming home!
Mackenzie: Fuck, someone hide the bong. 

OMG is Kenny actually putting his daughter ahead of the reality dating competition? This is the most groundbreaking episode in history.

Date With Will

So they’re going to Sweden, completing the Scandinavian trifecta. Helsingborg poppin’ off. 

And cut to this old-ass Swedish couple making out.

Rachel: Gross

What’s with the taking turns and kissing, does this old couple want to have a foursome? 

Okay Rachel we get it you don’t like Will, can we just end this now?

“I wouldn’t say that I haven’t dated non-predominately black people” — This sounds like an answer Mike Pence would give in a VP debate.

This is so awkward. Will couldn’t stand further away from Rachel. Maybe she has B.O. today. 

Rachel: What do you look for in a relationship? 
Will: Not you.

Can we stop airing footage of this DOA relationship and move on?

Rose Ceremony

“You seem solemn tonight” — Deep thoughts by Chris Harrison. He totally justifies his salary.

Rachel: This is the hardest person i’ve ever had to say goodbye to.
Alex: Lataz

K Bye Aleksandr Petrovsky and all the black guys except one!

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.