The Best 'Bachelorette' Recap You'll Ever Read: You're A Snake

Last night on The Bachelorette we got to see the continuation of the subtly-racist-but-still-PC-enough-for-ABC subplot, and also trips to both the Hilton Head and Norway…does it get any whiter?

The Kenny / Lee drama is honestly boring AF, but still somehow not as boring as a date with Jack Stone. Or as bored as I’ll be when I subject myself to another two hours of this faux-drama tonight.

Date With Jack Stone

Jack Stone And Rachel One On One

Jack Stone’s face moves as if his chin is being pulled to the ground at all times by an invisible string. His face also constantly looks like he’s trying to stop himself from bursting out in laughter at a serious moment. So like, a really sexy date.

What kind of sociopath drops an oyster?

Rachel: What would we do in Dallas if we were together?! 
Jack: Lock the doors and basically just recreate the movie plot of Saw.

“I feel like you’re kind of enjoying it, even though I know I’m the worst” — things I say at the club when a guy makes the mistake of trying to grind with me

Rachel: I just don’t really feel a romantic connection, so for that reason…I’m out.

Good thing there’s a camera crew here because Jack looks like he’s about to get violent.

Jack Stone

Rose Ceremony / Kenny And Lee Drama

“I don’t understand the race card” — that’s because you are fucking white, Lee.

“It’s really important to not be a bitch-ass dude” …And that’s Kenny with the etiquette.

“You’re a dime store psychologist” — I don’t think anyone here is trying to pass as a mental health professional, Kenny.

“He’s repti-LEE-an. He’s a LEE-zard” — Don’t mean to bag on Kenny when Lee is an obvious racist/garbage human, but Kenny really needs to give the puns a rest. Like, we get it, you’re a dad.

Goodbye Tickle Monster, I’m sure your DMs will be filled tomorrow with propositions from every woman out there with a secret tickle fetish.

Adios Iggy, not sure how this took so long.

Date With Bryan

Bryan is 37, Rachel is 31. They should just rename the show The Last Resort.

Is Bryan wearing makeup? I’m getting strong Kylighter vibes.


“If Bryan and I can rappel down this ski jump, we can do anything together.” Snooze.

Why does 187 mean murder…Is that a lawyer thing?

Rachel’s gold eyeshadow is very….Halloween 1980s rave. This outfit is terrible. Who let her do this.

Rachel Lindsay

Group Date

If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a handball. If you can give a good hand job you can play handball.

So handball is basically basketball but like, a whiter version.

Wowwww it’s Coach Tom. They even sprung for a Norwegian celeb (even if he’s no Patches O’Houlihan). 

These Norwegian teenagers are probably like “so I guess this is what Americans look like in Trump’s America.”

Were these rompers recycled from the 1950 Olympic water polo team?

Bachelorette Hand Ball

Wait no, I got it:

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid

Josiah’s side-eye face reminds me of how Kel looks at orange soda.

Kel Orange Soda

Kenny And Lee Date

Rachel And Kenny

The thing about a two-on-one is that not only does one person not come back, but no one who has ever been on a two-on-one has ever won the whole thing. I also give literally zero fucks over who called who a bitch.

Kenny: You’re the woman of my dreams, now let me tell you why Lee fucking sucks.

Lee is really toeing this racial line by calling Kenny dark and aggressive. Did someone forget to tell him that Rachel is not white?

“I don’t believe in violence” says the professional wrestler.

“He will get washed under the tide of realness that is Kenny” — new Tinder bio inspo

K bye see you tomorrow.

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.