The Best 'Bachelorette' Recap You'll Ever Read: Spell Check Yo' Self

Soooo about that alleged sexual assault situation on Bachelor in Paradise? Anyone? Bueller? Harrison? Apparently the producers decided not to address something quite serious going on with their franchise and instead focus on important things, like what Kenny the wrestler thinks of Lee the ignorant slut.  

Rose Ceremony From Last Week

Lee and Kenny are still at it, unclear if they know what they’re actually fighting about as Lee is wasted and KENNY MAD.

It’s also a battle of who wore it worse. These two have such a terrible sense of fashion it’s actually impressive… because it’s men’s fashion and that shit ISN’T HARD.

Lee And Kenny Bachelorette

It also doesn’t help that Lee looks like he’s been on a coke binge since 2008.

Lee to Rachel: My grandpa…this is kinda sad… he got cancer and it really bothered me. — Really flaunting that emotional range, Patrick Bateman.

Omg Lee carved a wood block with a key, misspelled the word enchanted on it, and gave it to Rachel as a gesture. Men are so incredibly stupid.

The fact that Dean called Lee out in his interview for being uncomfortable around black people is SO REAL. “He’s only picking fights with people who are culturally different than him…you know what I mean by that…his ignorance will come out.”  TOO REAL, DEAN. TOO REAL.

While all the other men are in their car salesman suits, Alex the Russian is literally in a purple zebra print suit, and Dean is out here looking like an adorable, well dressed baby.

I legit cringed when Bryan and Rachel were sitting outside and she was attempting to call him out for being such a fuckboy.

Rachel: I feel like you’re too charming, and it’s all too good to be true. What makes you weak?
Bryan: You, baby, you’re my future. Also when my plastic surgeon runs out of fillers and botox. That also makes me V upset.

Then Rachel gets very upset after hearing Kenny screaming at psycho Lee. Lee is definitely a psycho because he said this, verbatim: “I get tickled when an angry man gets angrier”

So Chris Harrison comes in and is like, “You just have to tell me what you want, I can facilitate anything”  — Chris Harrison, The Brothel Madam

FYI: It’s super important to stay far away from guys who laugh at you when you’re trying to confront them. That’s not a mature person, it’s a form of gaslighting, and they’re most likely a sociopathic murderer.

On a lighter note, Bryce’s face is SO interesting, like I really want to study it. Where’s the mouth, Bryce? Are you related to Jim Carrey?

Takeaways from the Rose ceremony:

– All of these guys talk about “extra time” like they’re taking the SATs

– Keeping Lee was such a producer call. He’s such a fake villain. No one can replace the Chad.

– Peter is really hot. He is the perfect next Bachelor. We know it, he knows it. But it’s not his fault he’s so gap toothed.

One-On-One With Dean

Does Hilton own Hilton head?

Eric: We walk into the Sonesta Resort, the suites are amazing, check out the balcony view #ad #sonestahiltonheadpartner… oh shit did I just say that out loud? 

Okay didn’t a blimp explode this past week and then crashed over the U.S. Open (golf version, I was confused too) and the pilot was injured? Poor timing, Bachelorette producers! 

Question, are we sure Dean is like, def straight?

Also are we sure he’s like, def 25? “If he’s scared to ride in the blimp and you have to hold his hand he’s too young for you bro.”

Rachel, way to put Dean at ease about his fears by leaving him crying in the back of the blimp while you decide to force the pilot to let you drive. Meanwhile Dean is quivering behind her…WATCH THE LEVERS, RACHEL, THE LEVERS!!!!

Pilot to Dean: Get up here and give it a try, you pussy!

Nothing says true love like ‘Rachel and Dean 4eva’ scrolling on a sponsored Goodyear blimp.

Rachel: May I ask you how your mother died.
Dean: ::tells long, extremely depressing story about his childhood::
Rachel: Shit I didn’t realize I asked for the long version. 

Oh a concert date, this is so unique! This singer looks just like Jonah from Veep. His hair looks like a yamulke.

How embarrassing is it for the band that everyone is taking pics of two fucking strangers dancing and making out instead of them? Like the entire audience is facing away from the stage. SAD!

Group Date

Bold move rapping about Rachel being a girl from the hood, Peter. 

What a weird date flow… take the guys on a booze cruise, have a rap battle, and then force them to compete in a spelling bee in front of a live audience.

P.S. Who is this live audience? How did they get there? And why would they stay?

Nothing like a spelling bee to get you in the mood.

Really needing someone to scream out BUSINESS ETHICS!!!

I’m surprised these guys know how to spell some of these words, everyone just uses autocorrect these days.

Also, why do they need like, 7 judges? Spelling isn’t subjective.

Spell Rizzuto…

Omg the fact that these bros think spelling is a sign of intellect is glaring red flag that they lack it.

Eric then spells “façade” like P-H-Y-S-D-E and depresses everyone about our education system. ….I bet you Physde will be 2018’s most popular name for a boy.

But then Peter goes and spells coitus like Q-U-I-C-U-I…?

As a lawyer, Josiah is a little too excited to be winning a spelling bee championship.

But drinking out of his trophy would totally be me. And then also comparing it to Game of Thrones. Also me.

Peter: Bare feet or socks?…  Is that like part of a list of questions he prepared for this show?

Rachel: Cleaning is like my stress reliever, I just blast music and clean the whole house.
Eric: Ye ye ye I like to clean too… ::aggressively makes out with her:: 

Rachel def just wants to have sex with Eric. He’s like the fuckboy she really wants but knows he’s not good for her long term (see: PHYSDE)

Who the fuck is Iggy… is he like the Bachelor police? His drama is so irrelevant, like WHY.

Honestly this entire drama with Lee (whose green plaid sleeves hanging out of his jacket were like an offense to humanity) vs. Kenny and Iggy vs. everyone else is so so boring.

The only thing that stands out is this… Lee vs. Kenny is Eric Gordon vs. Principal Max Anderson.

Mic drop.

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.