Well, well, Bachelor Nation pals, here we are again. We’re back for another season of The Bachelorette. What did you do with your time off between the Bachelor in Paradise finale and the premiere of Michelle’s season? Let your takeout barely go bad in the fridge? Accidentally leave one lone wet sock to mildew in your washing machine? I mean, this is too much. I’ve had Taco Bell run through my digestive system at a slower pace than this break between seasons! I haven’t even gotten sick of scrolling through all of the successful BiP couples on Instagram yet. *sighs so deep it creates a new fault line* But I digress.
Let’s go ahead and get into the premiere: the good, the bad, the cringe, and the things that will haunt my spirit until my dying day.
The Good: The Kids
We start things off with an introduction to Michelle Young, the hottest fifth grade teacher in all of Minnesota, and I’m already a fan. By “already a fan” I mean of the kids in this classroom. I love that ABC got enough signed parental consents to film her while she works. But I wonder, is ABC also going to be liable for the inevitable therapy they’ll all be needing post-filming?
MICHELLE: Okay class, what happens when we take one woman over 30 and add 30 single men in various stages of steroid dependency? Hmm? Can anyone tell me what that equals?
The one kid is like, “isn’t it weird that she’ll be kissing 30 guys?” Yes, sweet child, it is weird. But if this weirds you out, just wait until Miss Young explains the Fantasy Suite dates to you…
I will say, Michelle looks great this season. Like, she is so fit it makes me want to die. ABC must agree, because they took one look at those Pilates arms and wasted no time in branding her as “Hot Teacher.” They are leaning all the way in, y’all. Expect no less than 60 teacher puns in the next 120 minutes of the episode. Mark my words, people.
The Bad: First Impressions Of The Guys
The kids are a nice introduction for when we get to see the real show and tell: the limo entrances. I worry the guys heard “teacher” and thought the way to Michelle’s heart would be to act like variations of Dennis The Menace. It’s the only explanation for these childish entrances. Here are some highlights of the lowlifes:
- Chris S, self proclaimed “Southern Gentleman,” procured his own bus for the occasion and walked out looking like Prince George in his first day of school pics. Never mind that Chris looks less like a gentleman and more like a guy who would argue about mask mandates on an aircraft. Good luck with him, Michelle!
- Clayton (our next Bachelor btw) walks in with a yardstick and coyly asks Michelle to beat him with it. He tells her that he’ll be on his best behavior, and then bends over the nearest potted plant like he’s Anastasia fucking Steele. Look, guy, we don’t need to hear about how you sprouted an erection during your first spanking by an authority figure. Save that for your therapy sessions like a normal person!
- Jamie, 32, tells us he is a “biotech CEO” and I have questions. Namely, what is that and for what company are you a “CEO”? The vagueness of the wording is making me think “biotech CEO” is actually code for “makes a living selling own sperm.” Be honest with us, Jamie!
- Brandon K literally hands Michelle some Mardi Gras beads and asks her to show him her tits. Again, only in porn do the nice teachers acquiesce to those kinds of requests. Christ.
- Rick, a medical sales rep from LA, makes his grand entrance as an appetizer. James from Katie’s season walked so Rick could roll out on that entrée cart.
- Peter, a 26-year-old “Pizzapreneur”, is the sole reason New Jersey’s tourist rates just plummeted. The man shows up in a bedazzled suit, flinging around cannolis with reckless abandon and screaming about pizza principessas. His personality feels like the equivalent of a Forever21 floor.
I will note that there were a couple of shining stars among the men: Brandon J and Nayte. Instead of leaning into whatever adolescent teacher fantasies the rest of the guys rubbed one out to before the cocktail party, they choose to woo Michelle with their honesty and easygoing vibes. A novel idea, truly. Michelle is especially taken with Nayte, whom she ends up giving her first impression rose to later in the evening.
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The Cringe: Joe’s Ghosting Act
Nothing is cringier than witnessing Joe’s entrance. When he walks out of the limo, Michelle immediately says that she recognizes him from somewhere. He’s like “it’s because we’re both from Minnesota, lol!” and she’s like “nooo that’s not it, I think you’ve maybe wronged me before.” MICHELLE. You can’t just say that to their face! At least let your suspicions boil inside you to apocalyptic levels before bursting like a dam in one cataclysmic torrent!
She says that she DMed him years ago and they messaged for a bit before he ghosted her. “Ghosting” feels like a strong term to use in this instance. Isn’t that just what dating is these days? Messaging until one of you fades into the ether? Also, Michelle deserves a purple heart for verbally acknowledging that she slid into someone’s DMs. Michelle!! That is a sacred act between you and your 12th glass of wine. No need for all of America to know that.
Later, Michelle confronts Joe about his ghosting her. My god, and now with the ghosting! Michelle, take that shit to your grave! Joe says that the reason he stopped messaging her was because at the time he was feeling overwhelmed about George Floyd, and Michelle is not having it. Honestly, bring out the receipts. I think I need to see the extent of the messaging before I pass judgment. Her reaction does seem a little harsh considering they probably met after she liked a shirtless picture of him by a pool. You can’t be mad at a stock image, Michelle!
The Things That Will Haunt My Spirit Until My Dying Days: Tayshia & Kaitlyn’s Search & Seizure
Look, I’ll admit. I’ve had my issues with Tayshia and Kaitlyn as hosts. What can I say? I don’t miss Chris Harrison, but I miss his barely contained disdain for “the process.” There’s too much pep in the Bachelor franchise these days, but these two were absolute gold this evening. Before the rose ceremony even begins, they’re going through the guys’ hotel rooms looking for incriminating evidence. I’m sorry, but don’t you need a warrant for that search and seizure? I didn’t realize Benson and Stabler were assigned to Palm Springs.
TAYSHIA AND KAITLYN RN:
And BOY do they get the goods on Ryan. Ryan, the shirtless farmer from San Jose, was actually one of the bright spots from Michelle’s first night. He came off hot and charming despite wearing his shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Talk about a Cinderella story. Michelle was clearly feeling him after he surprised her with ice cream from his ice cream truck at the cocktail party—and that’s not even a euphemism for something dirty! He actually fed her during that 18-hour first date marathon!
So, what exactly did the Special Victims Unit find in their search? Well, in addition to riding tractors and flashing cleavage, Ryan is also a criminal mastermind with files upon files of notes on how to win more screen time. You’re telling me that someone would actually come on this show for the wrong reasons? Color me shocked. Honestly, the bigger crime is how he did Jason Tartick dirty in his show notes.
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Okay, Kaitlyn and Tayshia have no chill. They’re acting like they broke the Watergate story, when in reality they just discovered a man with a pulse is actually a piece of shit. Their delivery of Ryan’s betrayal to Michelle is just as ridiculous. Tayshia’s like, “He doesn’t actually care about teachers!” Lol, yes, that’s the biggest issue with his cheat sheets, not that he literally labeled it “project rose” and had line graphs on personality types that get the most screen time. I hope Michelle sends him home or, better yet, throws his body over a burning pyre. It’s what he deserves!
Once Michelle hears the news, she wastes no time in going full-on teacher on his ass. She forces him to show her his cheat sheets and then marches him to his room like he she’s about to break out Clayton’s yardstick once they’re in private. Ooooh, you’re in trouuuuble.
RYAN: My friend’s wife wrote those notes!!
HAHAHA. I love that Ryan is blaming this on his friend’s wife. Honestly, let’s get her on the show. I want to hear about her part in this!
Sadly, Michelle lacks my lust for blood, and instead of requesting a medieval stocks be placed in the hotel lobby to allow her and the contestants a chance to throw fruit at Ryan’s prone body for the remainder of the cocktail party, she sends him home with a cold goodbye and moves on. Booooo.
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After Ryan leaves, ABC positively zips through the rest of the episode, and we’re at the rose ceremony before we know it. The ceremony moves quickly and leaves little room for dramatics. After one long, drawn-out pause, Michelle ends up giving
Casper The Friendly Ghost Joe her last rose of the evening. We say goodbye to JoMarri, Jack, Garrett, Edward, Bryan, and Brandon K (of the “show me your tits” pickup line). I can’t say any of you will be missed. Until next week!
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); tvgoldtweets, @bitchelorette_ , @bachelornation.scoop / Instagram