The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Are We Actually In Purgatory?

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Well, well, well, what do you know? Another Monday come and gone where instead of doing the laundry that’s been piling up on my floor and threatening to swallow my dog whole, I’m instead chained to my TV, investing what’s left of my time, energy, and life force into a woman who abuses her ability to wear a cutout dress. This is truly my cross to bear. Now, when last we left off, Hannah and the men had just landed in Scotland. Hannah and Mike went on their first one-on-one date, which was about as romantically stimulating as me trying to choose a grocery store. Then there was the group date where the men competed in a real life Highland Games that quickly turned into a deleted scene from Boys Gone Wild: Abroad! when every single guy decided to go commando. And by the end of the episode, Hannah found herself asking the age-old question: is she really that into Luke P. or is he just tall? It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Part I: Luke P’s Date Continued

Which brings us to where we are now: Hannah is STILL going back and forth about whether she wants to give Luke P a rose. This is what I picture The Bad Place to be like: Hannah and Luke P just repeating how frustrated they are with each other until the end of time.

Wow. I’m shocked that Hannah is actually going to send him home. I thought for sure he was the one in the previews who slut-shamed her at the end of the season. He just has that look about him.

Also, sidenote, I’m just realizing Luke P’s job title reads “import/export manager.” Do we think that just means he gets his friends steroids? And someone else gets him steroids? Let’s discuss in the comments, K?

I love that Hannah tells Luke it’s over and he says he respects that decision AND THEN BLATANTLY DISREGARDS HER DECISION. Luke decides that the rules of Bachelor/ette eliminations do not apply to him and goes back to try and talk Hannah into giving him a rose. I would say he’s a master manipulator, but tbh, this is actually just mediocre straight white guy behavior. Sighs.

“I felt like crying, I felt like screaming,” says the man who has remained emotionless this entire season. He’s literally just repeating Hannah’s words back to her and hoping that something sticks. Tbh this is just more compelling evidence that Luke P is in fact another genetically engineered cyborg created in a secret ABC studios laboratory. If he starts malfunctioning and shooting bullets through his pecs, we’ll know something is up for sure.

“I WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU.” Lololololol. You guys, he was reading straight from a producer’s script with that line. And the producer got it from the Hallmark Channel original movie they watched at 3am while drinking the contents of their mini bar.

Okay, Luke is a sociopath and not even a very good one. I can see your apathy showing through your terrible job of pretending to have human emotion, Luke! IT’S SHOWING!!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the men debate if Hannah and Luke’s one-on-one date will ever f*cking end. Honestly, same. Just when I’m thinking I’ll be old enough to collect social security before this godforsaken date concludes, Luke walks back into the house. Soooo I guess Hannah caved then? He’s staying?

The men are equally confused. Luke tells them that he didn’t get the date rose but will be advancing to this week’s rose ceremony. Luke’s like “that was the worst date of my life” and it’s like, no, Luke, I’m pretty sure that was the worst date of my life. For me, it lasted two weeks!!

Part II: The Rose Ceremony

Before the cocktail party, Luke heads to a church to seek spiritual guidance about his relationship with Hannah. Funny he wouldn’t consult his shower first…

Dear god, what is Hannah wearing on her shoulders right now? It’s like someone took a hot glue gun and sequins to my mom’s favorite blazer from the 80s. Also, Hannah, NEVER MIX WHITE AND CREAM. Who told you this was okay to do on national goddamn television? This is making me very nervous that Cary Fetman, stylist to the stars future FabFitFun partners, is back on his bullsh*t. And by “bullsh*t” I mean vandalizing ABC’s styling budget and calling it fashion.

He must be so proud!

Garrett starts things off tonight by grilling Hannah on her decision to keep Luke. Oh, honey, baby, sweetie, no. Just… no. Doesn’t he know that the first rule of surviving any rose ceremony is to never, EVER bring up another contestant during your one-on-one time together? Sh*t talking is something you do while waiting in line for the bathroom, Garrett, not to set the mood on a date!

Things quickly go from bad to worse when Garrett relays his conversation with Hannah to Luke in front of the rest of the men. It’s like that scene out of The Lion King where Scar gets eaten alive by a bunch of hyenas, except replace “hyenas” with “men who feel more strongly about protein shakes than reproductive rights.”

Dylan/Devin/A Complete Stranger jumps into the conversation and is like, “when I’m with Hannah I only focus on her and our relationship” and it’s like, WHO EVEN ARE YOU THOUGH?? This is truly rich coming from him. I find it hard to believe his relationship is as strong as he claims it is, seeing as how I know more about Luke P’s showers than I do basic facts about this guy’s bio.

Hannah chugging her champagne in a dark room while listening to the men argue about what’s best for her is a 2019 mood, honestly.

Hannah comes charging back into the room, and what takes place on my screen is more iconic than the entire last season of Game of Thrones.

HANNAH: I’m sorry, but I thought this thing was called The Bachelorette and you were all contractually obligated to focus on me. No? Cool.

Yessssss, queen. F*cking slay. Hannah continues truly ripping all of these men a new asshole and it’s the most beautiful, real thing I’ve ever witnessed on this entire godforsaken show. She tells them that she’s done with all of the drama and the fighting and that these people do not know one real thing about her, it’s all superficial bullsh*t, and I’m not crying, you’re crying.

HANNAH: It’s not just Luke P who makes me act psycho! It’s all of you!

Honestly, Alabama Hannah 2020, on the platform that we round up all the men in cages and only let them out for breeding, or until they can learn to behave themselves. Whichever comes first. (Probably the breeding tbh).

Hannah leaves the men to their thoughts AND THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING. It’s less about Luke now and more about who can agree with Hannah the most that men ain’t sh*t, but the petty competitive attitude is still super strong in that room.

Meanwhile, Hannah resumes chugging alcohol and weeping quietly into her champagne glass. Chris Harrison stumbles upon her and you can tell he’s pondering if he should just slowly back up the way he came.

HANNAH: *sobs uncontrollably*
CHRIS HARRISON: Hannah, please don’t cry on my suit.

^^Real footage of Chris Harrison trying to comfort Hannah rn

Chris is like, “Hannah, it’s your party! You’re contractually obligated to have fun! Come on!” Chris Harrison, ladies in gentlemen, always coming in clutch with the pep talks.

Hannah tells Chris that the party is over, which I guess she meant literally because we move right into the rose ceremony. As the men line up for the firing squad ceremony, Hannah shames them all one last time with her eyes and I throw up the District 12 three finger salute from my couch in solidarity.

Final Rose Cut: Kevin, one of the Devins/Dylans, and the alcoholic Bill Pullman lookalike of my dreams, Grant, all get sent home. While I’m sad to see Grant go, it’s better this way because now me and @SweetestBetchYou’llEverMeet can battle it out for his affections in his DMs. See you there, sister!

Part III: Latvia & Other Moments From My Own Personal Hell

Following the rose ceremony, the men are off to Latvia. I know this because Peter pulls out his map and laser pointer and continues to tell us fun Latvian facts as if he is a connoisseur of culture and not just a guy who banged a Latvian chick on one of his layovers.

Okay, Hannah got rid of Grant but kept this dude in a scarf? Are you forking kidding me with this?

As the guys cheers to new beginnings and spring scarves, Hannah is having a casual mental meltdown in a Latvian cafe with Chris Harrison. I love that she’s treating Chris as if he is an actual licensed therapist and not just a husk of a man who sold his soul to Mike Fleiss back in the 90s. It’s cute.

I will say that Hannah has some valid concerns she’s voicing here. If 20+ men were bound by God and ABC’s ironclad contracts to be into me for six straight weeks and STILL hadn’t asked me a single goddamn question about myself, I’d be done too. And, honestly, props to Hannah for standing up for herself. I feel like she’s the only lead on this show who has ever cared this much about making real connections with people. I’m so here for it.

ABC takes a detour from the episode to show us a therapy session random interlude between Hannah and Chris Harrison that has clearly taken place post-production. I’m sorry, but what is actually happening on my screen right now? It sounds like they’re recapping footage we just watched with our own freaking eyes. This is my own personal Hell. Like, am I having a stroke? How drunk does ABC think I am right now?


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Tonight @alabamahannah will set the record straight on all the drama surrounding #TheBachelorette

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I’m honestly raging about this right now. Is this going to be the rest of the episode? Just random, filler bullsh*t OF THINGS WE JUST WATCHED. I can’t believe they dare waste my time like this! I COULD BE WATCHING A FOUR-YEAR-OLD EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS RIGHT NOW, PEOPLE.

In this bizarro world where we are not in Latvia, but rather in a hell of our Mike Fleiss’ own making, Chris Harrison is like “Hannah, you came into tonight wanting to quit, where are you now with that?” I’m sorry, where is SHE now?! HOW ABOUT YOU ASK ME WHERE I AM, CHRIS. Hanging by a f*cking thread, that’s where.

And that’s where the episode wraps up. I wish I was kidding. Chris Harrison does tease “never before seen footage for the rest of the season” as if the cost of watching said footage was not the rage-induced twitch I’ve developed in my left eye. ABC, I’ll see you in court next week.

Images: Giphy (5); @caryfetman /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1); Walt Disney Television Press

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).