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Welcome to night two of my personal hell The Bachelorette season finale! Last night, Hannah’s final two men, Tyler and a guy who really should have just gone on The Voice, met her parents and had their last one-on-one dates before proposal day. I think the high points for me was watching Tyler restore health and vitality to Hannah’s mother with one flash of his dimples, and then, in contrast, watching Hannah become physically ill at the thought of her forever with Jed. The low point was having to listen to Jed defend his dog food jingle as a strategic career move that all the “real artists” have to do at least once before making it big. SURE, JAN.
Tonight, we open with Hannah reflecting on her big decision. In a voiceover, she says: “I showed everything and I felt truly free.” Jesus. Is she STILL talking about that windmill?
Next she lists the pros and cons of each man, and the differences are… staggering. On the one hand, she’s got Tyler. He’s attractive, rich, sweet to his dad, never got involved in the house drama, and has always defended her choices no matter how hair-brained they seemed. But—and this is a huge but—he’s from Florida. Yikes. Sure, it’s Jupiter, which I hear is not a complete cesspool, but it’s still Florida, America’s longest-running joke.
Then there’s Jed, a flaming pile of garbage masquerading as a human man. Jed, who admitted to Hannah very early on that he was only on the show for fame and then continued to self-promote the f*ck out of his music with mediocre singing every chance he got. Jed, who her parents hated, who ALWAYS questioned her decisions, and who frequently used manipulative language to get what he wanted. Also, there’s that girlfriend he has in Nashville waiting for him to come back home (and hopefully castrate him). Yes, I see how this could be a real Sophie’s Choice for her.
Okay, actually I’m really loving this dress she’s wearing. Perhaps my arch nemesis, Cary Fetman, took my criticisms to heart? And they say peer pressure doesn’t work!!
Hannah heads off to the final rose ceremony, and she doesn’t look confident at all about this decision. Case in point:
This is not the face of someone who is 100% sure about the man she wants to marry. This is the face of a person who just got asked to do a Fireball shot by a guy who still wears polos with his frat logo on it.
At one point on her way to the proposals Hannah asks the driver to pull over, at which time she starts to FLEE from production. I mean, sure, it’s more of a drunken stagger than an all-out run, but I understand her intent. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Hans!
As she’s fleeing, she takes a tumble down the hill and this just reinforces the argument I’ve been making all season about how Hannah likes to pregrame the rose ceremonies. Finally, a Bachelorette I can get behind! She’s just sitting on the ground in that white dress with bloody elbows and what she really needs is a friend to suggest they just order pizza not go get herself a husband. Where are your real friends when you need them, Hannah?
She’s like, “I don’t know how to tell someone they’re not good enough when it’s not true” and it’s, like, honey you have been on Twitter before haven’t you? She eventually gets up and dusts off the only Cary Fetman dress I’ve ever barely liked and carries on to the rose ceremony. So, I guess it’s a no for that pizza then?
The Proposals
The first limo arrives AND OH MY GOD IT’S TYLER. WHY. Why would you do this to me, Hannah? She does have the foresight to look mildly ashamed as he exits the limo full of hope and some damn good genes. Hannah you are a fool.
Tyler goes into his speech and he is saying all the right things. He’s like, “I know our love is a light that will burn on forever” and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING. Also, why is she letting him say this entire speech if she’s just going to dump him? This is so painful.
Hannah stops him before he actually gets down on one knee and just has nothing to say. She keeps opening her mouth and no sound comes out. You can tell he knows it’s over. He’s like “so that’s a no?” SO THAT’S A NO. Oh my god, I’m not well. I AM NOT WELL.
Watching as Tyler walks dumbstruck back to the limo, I still just don’t understand how Hannah could do this to me personally. She had the perfect man right in front of her and gave it up for some guy whose dad still pays his rent. I was rooting for you, Hannah, we were all rooting for you!
HANNAH: I’m sorry. I’m just in love with someone else. ME:
Jed rolls up next, and of f*cking course he brings his guitar. He’s like “I don’t have words to express our love, but I do have a song!” You always do, don’t you Jed? Do we think he’ll live tweet the link to it on Spotify?
Hannah starts crying and I hope it’s of embarrassment. Seriously, unless you are the next Harry Styles, no woman wants you to sing to her! Hannah launches into some speech about how she’s been praying for a husband her whole life and how grateful she is for Jesus bringing Jed into her life. Yes, well, if Jesus took the wheel on this one, Hannah, then I think he took it and drove it straight off a cliff.
Jed Faces The Music
Fast forward to a few days post-engagement, and we’re treated to a truly painful montage of Hannah and Jed and their dance parties by the pool. Tbh this was not what I was hoping to see when Chris Harrison promised us that Jed would be emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure after the commercial break. Where. Is. the. Bloodshed. WHERE.
It appears production was only able to catch a solid three minutes of happy couple footage before Hannah finds out about the whole Jed having another girlfriend thing and OH SH*T, IT’S GOING DOWN.
Hannah says that right after Jed proposed, he let it slip that he was with this girl before coming on the show but assures her, as all f*ckboys do, that “it was nothing.” A few days after that Hannah gets notified about the People article where Jed’s girlfriend, Haley, describes in great detail the expanse of their relationship, and it sounds way more in-depth than Jed’s hit-it-and-quit-it description of it. Also, Hannah is still wearing the ring though?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
Hannah says she doesn’t know the man she fell in love with, but I feel like the warning signs were there. I mean she’s heard him sing before.
Jed goes over to Hannah’s safe house to clear the air with her and it’s like, what? No guitar today, Jed? There’s not a song in your heart to describe being a disgusting philanderer? Also, that he has the audacity to do a sing-song friendly knock. THIS IS A SOMBER KNOCK OCCASION, JED.
All I have to say is waiting for Hannah to f*cking obliterate Jed is my thunderdome. Hannah starts things off by wanting to know about literally every chick who’s ever breathed on him. She’s just covering all her bases!
JED: There are two very different views of what actually went down. HANNAH: So let me get this straight. She called you her boyfriend, you went on lavish vacations with her like a boyfriend, and told her you loved her as boyfriends sometimes do, but you weren’t her boyfriend? JED: So you do get it!
Jed launches into his versions of events and, guys, it’s so much worse than we thought. We find out that he met Haley in October when he was “very single still” and “dating around.” They slept together, there was some sort of romantic cabin weekend (but he didn’t pay for the cabin so he’s not her boyfriend, just a giant piece of sh*t, okay!!), birthdays were shared, her parents thought they were dating enough that they bought them a lavish vacation as a couple, and he even told her “I love you” (but he was drunk so it doesn’t count, okay!!).
HANNAH: But you weren’t dating. JED: We weren’t dating. Absolutely not. We did go on several trips together as a couple and an “I love you” was exchanged but I have NO idea where the wires got crossed here. Girls are crazy!!
Meanwhile, the audience is visibly sharpening their pitchforks. Tbh watching their reaction right now is adding years back to my life. My skin is getting clearer, my metabolism is speeding up, I AM ALIVE Y’ALL.
Jed continues to half-heartedly defend himself but for the most part he looks like he could not give one single sh*t about this conversation. Case in point:
I mean that expression all but screams “can’t we just push this under the rug now, babe!”
Here’s my biggest issue with Jed, though: he doesn’t seem the slightest bit remorseful. In fact, the only emotion we see from him comes when he’s defending his own character. This happened to him, (not to the two of them because, as Hannah clarifies at one point, THEY ARE ENGAGED and his actions impact her), he’s an innocent bystander in all of this and his actions had no direct result here. What’s more is he doesn’t seem to think his words or actions with Haley meant anything because “in his heart he broke up with her, just not verbally.”
Listening to this conversation play out is triggering, to say the least. I’ve dated Jed’s before, men who say and do one thing, but (apparently) mean the opposite and then blame the woman for getting his signals confused. It’s disgusting and borderline sociopathic. I fully believe Jed thought he could get away with all of this. He never thought Haley would come forward because he thought he’d manipulated her enough to keep silent. He probably figured that if he did win he would stay engaged just long enough for people to start downloading his music off Spotify and then amicably break things off with Hannah when the time was right. The only reason he seems even the slightest bit remorseful is because he got caught and wants to salvage his public image. Again, it’s all about Jed. What he wants and needs.
It’s clear that after tonight Jed is going to need witness protection for his safety because every woman who has ever been wronged (so, every woman) will start popping out of bushes and ambushing him with grenades. And you know what? I’m here for this revolution.
After The Final Rose
Cut to the present, and we find out that Hannah is not engaged anymore. She says that “this isn’t what she said yes to” and that “this experience was taken from her.” I’m actually VERY proud of Hannah. You can tell she really wanted to be married and I kind of thought it didn’t matter to whom, but I’m glad she’s standing her ground.
And what fortuitous timing for Hannah to make such an announcement, because Chris Harrison brings Jed out next to test if Hannah was actually serious about that. He walks out onto the stage and the crowd is absolutely silent. I’m sure he hasn’t witnessed silence like this since his last gig.
JED: I’m sorry, I’ve said I’m sorry. I will own up to that all day now that I’ve been publically dragged and nobody is liking my YouTube videos anymore.
Yeah, that sounds sincere.
Despite the fact that Jed only seems mildly apologetic and did let out one limp “I still love you,” Hannah says that it’s over for good between them. Again, I’m super proud of Hannah. Let’s remember she’s 24 and I did not know someone who cannot even legally rent a car could have this much emotional maturity. When I was her age I was still sleeping with guys who said things like “let’s not exchange numbers, but here’s my Snapchat handle!”
HANNAH: I’ve learned a lot from this experience but mostly I’ve learned that I want a husband, I don’t need a husband. ME:
Damn. I think Hannah just won the Democratic debate this evening because I’m voting for her for 2020 after that comment. They grow up so fast!!
And there’s more fortuitous timing because Chris brings Tyler out unto the stage next! In contrast to Jed’s entrance, Tyler gets a standing ovation. You know Jed has to be watching this from backstage and mentally jumping off a bridge. I would prefer he be burned at the stake, but I’ll settle for some bridge jumping.
Guys, there is so much sexual tension happening on stage. I’m sweating. I can’t. Though, if we’re being completely honest, I don’t think Tyler will take her back. I think he’s a very nice guy and will flirt with her and not outright reject her on national television, but I don’t think this will go anywhere.
OMG. DID HANNAH JUST ASK HIM OUT FOR DRINKS. DID SHE?! So let me get this straight: she had an entire show dedicated to finding her a husband, the country was scoured for men, and in the end she’s right back to using pickup lines from Bumble?
Great. I don’t feel like I wasted 8 weeks of my life and one family vacation streaming this garbage they call a television show! Nope! Not at all!!
Images: Giphy (7); @tylercameron23 /Instagram (1);
