The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

Doug Angry. Doug Smash. Doug Sadddd – Arie


So this episode started off with Chris Harrison surprising the guys with some great news, they finally get to leave Charlotte! Alejandro was probably like TG, if one more person asks me if I also trim hedges, I'm adiosing the fuck out of here. But back to Chris for a min, we especially love the way he announces where the guys will be going next. Imagine if it was like, Guess what guys, you'll be spending this next week with Emily..on the beautiful beaches of …..Kazakhstan.

Now that we think about it, we kind of feel bad for Charlotte. First Nathan Scott, now Emily and the boys…Peyton said it right, everybody always leaves.

P.S. Bermuda is so '87.

Date with Doug

bachelorette week 4Emily can't look him in the eyes, because she can't find them.

The pre-date quarrel was ridiculous, especially because all the guys were inexplicably wearing blue. But Emily really must be in tune with her female 6th sense when she was like, I feel a weird vibe in the house, and there is a 30% chance that its already raining.

This date looked really magical. Buying cheap souvenirs at island shops while discussing the diversity of the Bermudan islands. I like love Bermuda, all the houses are like pink and yellow, but all the people are like, black and brown…

You know what's not gay at all, Doug describing his altercation as “getting grouchy with the boys”

Hi my name is Doug…I never make the first move, I talk about myself in 3rd person, I have beady eyes, and I'm a huge pussy.

What the postcard said: Dear Austin, someone who thinks I'm just okay enough to get to the third round but didn't give me the date rose went to Bahamas and all I got was this fucking postcard.

But really, what's Austin going to say when Doug gets eliminated, WHAT THE FUCK DAD!? THAT BITCH SAID SHE'D PLAY FUCKING LEGOS WITH ME.

The entire 'flaw' conversation was the biggest J I've ever heard. Imagine if instead of saying I wear pajamas outdoors, she was like, I never wear deodorant and I have to shave my mustache about twice a day.

Doug's ex didn't seem all that particular….What's something shitty your ex would say about you? I think that she would say, you don't clean your car enough, you're too great of a dad, you're not really good with Microsoft Excel.

Emily: Do you ever have bad days? Doug: Not since the lobotomy…

Group Date


bachelorette week 4“Finger me. Don't finger me. Okay finger me.”


How cute, the men are going to have a sailing competition… just another example of ABC trying to polish turds. This is like the poor people’s version of the rowing scene from the Social Network. Note to ABC, making them all wear the same color T-shirt does not evoke thoughts of boat ownership, rather the image of boat staff.

Surprise! The hot personal trainer doesn’t know “jacksquat” about sailing. Meathead does not a sailor make.

The men get to experience what color war is like, which is great because I don’t think many of these guys were able to afford sleepaway camp

Jef with One F is now Jef with One F, Nine Fingers.

The yellow team celebrates their boat race win by popping bottles of champagne. Thankfully for Jef, the drinking age in Bermuda is 14.

Kalon has a cute butt…chin.

So Arie is like a hotter Zach Braff. But that kiss sesh was actually revolting… like I’m sorry, but we all know that eating faces is illegal now.

Two on One


bachelorette week 4Emily WOULD choose the guy gay who's not looking at her


The ABC metaphor team is hard at work again, Bermuda Triangle // Love Triangle, see what they did there?

Stop fucking crying, bitch… you just outgayed yourself. Nate's probably just upset because he realized he's been pronouncing quinoa incorrectly up until now.

But you're like, really in love with your mom, Nate

Rose Ceremony

Ryan is hysterical. First he tells Emily she's a slut, then tells the camera that the reason Jef got the rose is because she was thinking about Ryan. On top of being a huge bible loving misogynist, he's a narcissist as well…Wow, the whole package!

What's the only thing that the Bachelorette and reality have in common? Fireside Chats.

“I'm talking to you like I'm a grown ass man right now!”

Chris Harrison stop calling Bermuda an exotic location. It's where like, my housekeeper goes to be exotic.

Alejandro, do us all a porfavor and get the fuck off the screen.

Jef got a rose so he decided to say fuck it, I'm puttin' on my high socks. Jef would be way better for Ricki than for Emily.

YES long haired Michael is going home. Good Friday came early.

Next they're going to London, so the guys can prove how incredibly little they know about world history.

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