The Best Bachelorette Recap Ever: Week 3

Getting a girl to put out isn’t always easy, but every guy knows that girls have a soft spot for something that they can’t resist. For me, it’s getting a guy who says those three little words, “wanna come smoke.” It’s obvious that clearly all these guys have to do is say they want to be Ricki’s dad. I wonder if this group of personal trainers and bar mitzvah dancers will be able to crack that code.

You can tell that Emily is so much more down to earth than any of the past bachelors/bachelorettes because she insists that the men see her in her real life. Exhibit A: Last season Bachelor Ben listened to This Year’s Love in classy places ranging from City Hall to private hotel lobbies. But not Emily… she insists on her private concert performances in public parking lots.

But isn't it ironic that when they actually go on dates that sort of resemble real life you hear very few statements such “hanging out with this mob of children on a playground is exactly like having kids.” Perhaps the ABC metaphor team hasn't had time to come up with any that make sense.

bachelorette season 8 episode 3Run the other way kids, Stevie's here!


Whatever, there's only like 13 losers left in the running to date an increasingly annoying, probably inbred, excruciatingly boring country bumpkin blonde bitch.

Date with Chris

Wow, they're scaling a building, this date is some Fear Factor shit. Is Christopher Nolan directing? Maybe Emily is auditioning to replace Anne Hathaway as Catwoman… a girl can dream. I hope the rope breaks.

“She looks unbelievable in a harness” …confessions of a sexually frustrated equestrian.

Why does Emily always overemphasize (and partially hallucinate) the level of Chris' good looks? Maybe it's the water in the boonies.

When they’re done repelling, Chris doesn’t kiss Emily because “the timing isn’t right.” He decides to finish it off with a high five instead of a smooch …weird that's exactly what Tom Cruise does to Katie every time he's contractually obligated to fuck her.

So like how many mediocre country performances should we be expecting this season? Country music is like beer: it is the absolute lowest denominator and it is strictly preferred by poor people.

Daytime Group Date

This date was absurd. It was like sorority rush from hell, only instead of talking about your major they discussed all the people they've fucked in the past. And look, they even cashed in their Groupon for spray tans!

We find it hard to believe that someone as hot as Emily would have friends who look like they were plucked directly from a pamphlet for an online nursing school. And can someone tell the blonde to keep it in her pants? If I wanted to watch a middle aged woman in heat I would put on a Kate Hudson movie.

Question though, as they were walking towards Emily's culture club of besties, who was the bro who asked if they were getting manicures? I wanna hang out with that homo.

Despite Stevie's commendable boxstep, Sean was clearly the winner of the southern inquisition. He's totally like, I broke 1000 on my SATs, lacrosse hot.

The group date just got better and better for the guys. After getting grilled by Laverne Shirley and Lakshmi, the entire cast of Hey Arnold came storming through the playground like it was the heat wave of 1996. Someone keep the camera on Stevie, he may try to fuck them.

bachelorette season 8 episode 3lol Jef, lol


We must say though…Jef with one F totally blends in with all the kids, he looks so at ease and prepubescent coming down that slide.

Last week I wasn’t a huge fan of Ryan, mainly because as a personal trainer he couldn't even afford to keep me in nail polish, but now that he’s told Emily that he wouldn’t love her if she got fat, I’m really starting to rally behind him.

Evening Group Date

After the commercial break we see Tony cry more than my aunt on Day 2 of her period and after wasting 20 minutes of my life that I want back, Tony goes home. Hah, he definitely thought that crying about his son was the perfect strategy to garner the sympathy vote and float through each week. When Tony returns to his son, he's definitely going to see crayons and feces all over the walls and then think, shit I really fucked this one up.

But we're glad they took a moment on Memorial Day to remember the real heroes of our country. Keep it together Tony, you're stuck in a mansion and you can go home at ANY time.

Wow, so Doug is the product of the foster system. Way to pull the Oliver Twist card. See orphan kids, you too can one day grow up to be a single dad on a reality dating competition!

Alessandro called adopting Ricki a compromise. Yeah we agree, but now you're going home, grain merchant. Who even calls themselves a merchant? This isn't the fucking Renaissance. He's too tan to be trusted.

Date with Pisces

Arie is cute and shit, but this date was really boring. Was this Disneyland for Dolly Parton? How many cousins have had sex in the twirling teacups?


bachelorette season 8 episode 3“I wonder how many of Emily's heads would fit into Dolly's bra…” -Arie


Too bad she looks like a fossilized tranny, Dolly Parton is definitely an old betch.

Rose Ceremony

I love how Kalon basically told Emily to shut up. Thank you Kalon! But it must be noted that the combined oil of Kalon's face, hair, and lips is enough to fill up the tank of my Range Rover for at least a year, maybe 2 if he moisturizes. He would make a great stepfather…just like in the movie Stepfather.

At this time, we must pay homage to a new friend, but a dear friend. Shelly the Relationship Egg, we didn’t even know your name, and now you’ve been taken from us. You were always accepting and never judgmental. Only the good die young, Shelly.

….This is the same guy who said 2 episodes ago “I'm gonna treat this egg like I would treat you and Ricky” and then two episodes later proceeded to smash the egg into the ground.

She kept ALEJANDRO? REALLY? He hasn't said one word…perhaps he's unilingual…in the wrong language.

Stevie has left the building and is probably on his way to a park to fuck some kids. Goodbye Stevie and goodbye PartyDancer.

Quote of the Night

“I used to date this one girl for a long time. She was my cousin. But it's okay because you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins, and then you have your gypsy concubines” – Alessandro


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