The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Holy single mother of God. We couldn't wait to wake up and verbally (writingly?) defile whoever decided to have the breakout stars of Sesame Street act out half of The Bachelorette…a show that ends at 11pm. What age group do they think is watching this? Is ABC so poor now that they need a stipend from the Muppets!? …Apologies if this is extreme, we happen to be in a really good mood because Chris Harrison sat next to us on a plane and told us we were funny (JK, he mentioned us in his blog)…but the Muppets gangbang really gave us the no feeling.

Related note, Ms. Piggy and Mariah Carey are actually the same person, like have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Yea, me neither.

Really though, what was happening last night? For the entire first hour I was seriously questioning my sobriety while longing for the days of cliff diving and shark petting. What's next, extreme couponing at the local Walmart? And why does nobody notice that Emily just keeps saying the same shit over and over again to the camera. “I've been coming here since I was a little girl. I'm really happy we raised this money for charity. I really like my daughter Ricki.”

After all, nothing cures childhood leukemia like proposing to Miss Piggy in front of a live audience.

bachelorette emilys home friendsLakshmi came to play

Date with Ryan


“If you treat a woman like a queen then she'll treat you like a king.” Stop quoting your pastor it's not chic.

This date was literally the biggest twist in Bachelorette history. I'm just gonna go do some errands and you can watch me. First we're gonna bake cookies. Then I'm gonna go to my kid's soccer game while you wait in the car. Then I'm going to change my tampon while you hold the applicator. Feel the connection Ry?

But props Ems for using the Bachelorette to get guys to do shit for you. Emily says she's surprised he went along with the date to make cookies. What was he supposed to say? Fuck this, I'm here for the planes? Obviously Ryan is “happy” to bake, but wait…did they have baking in the bible?

Baking cookies is like a relationship because it requires a lot of trust and egg yolk….I feel that if Emily and I can make chocolate chip cookies it means we can overcome all obstacles that come our way, perhaps even a bunt cake. Anyone else wonder how many times they fucked in the name of the lord while the cookies were browning?

Ryan looks like a child molester hanging out in an SUV alone outside a little girls soccer game. At least he kept 50 yards.

LOL when Ems tells him there's no one else she’d rather be slow dancing with… Except for any one of the other 19 pairs of blue balls I have waiting for me at a hotel 3 miles away.

Love how their date night was the biggest thing Charlotte's ever seen. All the God-fearing folk put on their Sunday best for the Gloriana concert in the parking lot. Ask yourself this: If there was a red carpet in Charlotte, but only rednecks care, was there ever really a red carpet in Charlotte?

Group Date

These guys were really unafraid to let their fag flags fly. We thought we had seen the last of the male periods after Travis brought his ovum for show-and-tell last week, but apparently these guys cycle every seven days.

“Singing with the muppets, it doesn't get better than that” – So like Stevie, where did you go to college?

Kalon is very comfortable with the stage, because he's so gay. He toes the line of being just shady enough to be intriguing, but just fruity enough to be repellent. He calls this being “mature.” I truly believe his entire preparation for this competition was following Scott Disick on Twitter.

“Ouchhh Chahhhlie that really hurtt” – said the balcony. It's sad that Charlie is scared to perform but you can't play the retard card when you choose to go on a national television show.

Hipster water bottle salesman, nice proposal, I think I saw you on the lesbians who look like Justin Bieber website.

No but seriously, Jef could be Emily's little brother, or like Bruno Mars after a chemical peel. He gets the date rose for ignoring her all day, eye fucking her, and lying about it using one word responses.

bachelorette charlie

Chris: Seriously, are you complimenting me on my looks right now? Um we are equally as surprised, you look like Beavis… or Butthead


Stevie (to Kalon): I would never want to be a guy like you…that's because you can't afford to be a guy like him.

Date with Joe

“We are going to head to West Virginia” …Ew. Are they going to hunt for squirrels? I can hear the theme song from Deliverance playing already.

So apparently Emily is the fucking Eloise of some podunk resort in West Virginia. Despite looking like an upscale retirement center, it's home to Em's most formative life experiences: getting her first makeover, underage drinking at the hotel bar, and losing her virginity to the concierge.

I agree that Joe does somewhat look like Matthew McConaughey but that attractiveness is fully negated by the fact that he also resembles Eric from Billy Madison.

When I sit here and stand with Joe I realize that I'm not that into him.

I wish this date were going so badly that Joe knew he was a huge loser. Now I have to tell him. This blows.

Rose Ceremony

Ryan's note was ridiculous, he just rambleddddd on for 18 pages…FRONT AND BACK! No but really, Emily will never again have trouble falling asleep, she still has his letter!

bachelorette steive THIS guy.


After all these idiots claim that they are intimidated by Kalon's vocabulary… he goes and uses big boy words like 'eager', 'refreshed', and wait for this brain buster…'excited.' Sean's focus on Kalon makes me scared for his life, people have been stabbed to death for far less things than having a good vocab.

She kept STEVIE?!? In what worldddddd, his name is fucking Stevie. What is she like trying to start a music career? Money, or a boyfriend with matching sweater-beret set, can't buy you class.

The statement “if you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude you’re…” got bleeped, but I can only assume it ended with “a bigger pussy than that which belongs to Octomom.”

Kyle seemed upset to be going home, but at least he has his massive forehead mole to keep him company at night.

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