The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

Hello, and welcome back to another thrilling episode of The Bachelorette! And by “thrilling” I mean about as lively as what’s happening behind Chris’s cold, dead eyes during his date with Becca. This week, ladies, you’re in for a real treat because my mother is visiting me and she treats watching The Bachelorette like an important mother/daughter bonding moment she’s being held at gunpoint, and she’s not wrong. I’m sure her commentary will prove riveting. So on that positive note, shall we continue with the recap?

Are they talking about the goddamn weather rn? I’m so glad this episode is starting off about as strong as my last performance review.

The Group Date

Becca selects her next group date, and I’m slightly shocked that I know who half these people are. The guys in this room have the combined personality of a potted plant and yet somehow I know who every single one of these dudes is. I’m going to revisit this upsetting fact with my therapist later.

MY MOTHER: Does this girl know these guys? Why are they on these dates?
ME: Yes, Becca knows them.

MY MOTHER: But what’s the criteria behind her selecting them for these dates?
ME: *crickets*

MY MOTHER: Oh for god’s sake. I’m going back to reading my book.

As I said, she’s thrilled to be here. THRILLED.

Becca brings out her ABC-approved friends for a chill brunch before the boys come in. And by “chill brunch” I mean she grills the ever-loving shit out of Tia. She’s like “We’re going to the spa! We’re going to be so relaxed! Also, Tia, you banged my man and what do you have to say for yourself?”

TIA: 

Okay, this spa robe is the least hideous thing I’ve seen Becca wear all season. Is it sad that my bar for her style is set somewhere below hotel freebies?

This date is already sooooo fucking awkward. Tia grabs Colton for a hello hug. Meanwhile, Becca is low-key calculating how many breaths Tia has left on this earth.

LOL Becca just forgot Jason’s name, and I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I don’t know who’s in deeper shit here. Colton, the man who has 100 percent seen Tia naked, or the guy whose name Becca can barely recall.

The boys are supposed to pamper Becca and her friends, and this entire date feels like some elaborate trap. Whether it’s a trap for Becca’s fame-thirsty friends or the guys, I’m not sure, but I am on high fucking alert. HIGH. ALERT. 

Becca grabs Tia for some girl time aka she wants to get to the bottom of this Colton shit. I’m half expecting Caroline to mediate this shit by throwing in a few scathing “how could you’s?” every five seconds of this convo. Tbh if I were Becca I would not trust one word that comes out of Tia’s mouth. This entire date she’s been quietly seething that Arie had to go and ruin her chances of being the Bachelorette. She’s a nasty skank bitch, Becca! Do not trust her!

BECCA: So you’d be okay with me being with Colton?
TIA: Yes, of course! Duh! But also Colton came on the show for me and only me.

BECCA, THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She’s right up there with your stylist as enemy #1 on your journey to find happiness.

Here’s the flaw in Tia’s thinking though: Why would Colton go on the show hoping Tia is the new Bachelorette if he’s already dating Tia?

Nah. Clearly, this boy just wants to be famous and he doesn’t care which famous-adjacent girl he has to seduce to do it.

Moving on to the cocktail portion of this date. I’m not immediately repulsed by Becca’s ensemble this evening, so this is a good start.

Becca pulls Jason aside and is like, “I forgot your name but I have a crush on you!” Which is something I’ve said after showing up to a date half a bottle of wine deep so, like, it’s fair. Tbh they would make a nice mediocre-looking couple together. And that’s about as much of a ringing endorsement as you’ll ever get from me. You’re welcome.

Elsewhere, Jordan is, like, bragging about his Tinder matches.

MY MOTHER AFTER LISTENING TO JORDAN CLARIFY HIS TINDER SUCCESS RATE IS FROM MATCHES, NOT SWIPES: This is how people’s brain cells die.

God, the chicken guy is bitchier than the risk management chair in my sorority. He’s like, “Jordan showed up in his underwear at the last rose ceremony and he’s not serious about dating Becca.”

BECCA: Did you or did you not show up in chicken suit night one?

THANK YOU, BECCA. The voice of fucking reason here. 

Also, I can’t believe Becca is being forced to have a serious discussion with Jordan about his Tinder matches. 

Sidenote: Does anyone have a 100 percent dating app success rate? And if they do, what’s their STD contraction success rate? Jw.

Jordan confronts David about tattling on him. I can only assume he’s this pissed because he had a specific deal with Bumble to only mention Bumble when he has screen time and now David is ruining his early sponsorship success.

JORDAN: Attached to me is professionality. It’s my face. And you can’t ruin that.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA: 

Becca has yet another discussion with Colton about if he did or did not play a game of “just the tip” with Tia. Honestly, I’m tired of this conversation already. You know you want to bang him even though he’s a scumbag, so just pick him already and get it over with.

She asks him if he’s here for her and he goes “yeah.” YEAH. What a solid proclamation of his intentions. OMFG AND HE GETS THE ROSE FOR THIS. Damn. She must really not want him to slide into Tia’s DMs later.

ME: *whispers to self* She’s so fucking dumb and she has no style
ALSO ME:

The One-On-One Date

Moving on to the one-on-one date. Becca chooses Chris for this date and I’d rather hack off my own limbs than spend one single solitary moment in this guy’s presence, but to each their own. Every happiness to you both.

BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?? I am horrified. She’s dressed in head-to-toe leather, a bra, and a bedazzled dog collar. I’m not sure what’s going on behind the scenes at ABC studios but I’m calling the police. 

For the date they’re supposed to write their own love song, and Chris looks like he would rather swallow glass than say something nice about the girl sitting next to him. Honestly, in that outfit, I completely understand.

Okay, but seriously what is Chris’ damage here? He’s acting like he’s such a tortured soul but the only person being truly tortured here appears to be this poor, poor musician. Seriously. How hard up for money does this guy have to be if he’d willingly choose to sing a Bachelorette’s shitty poem on live fucking television? Is this what rock bottom looks like?

Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening, and Becca is once again blinding me with her outfit choice. Just once I’d like for Becca to show up to a date in something that isn’t bedazzled. Just once. It’s like Forever 21 or bust with this bitch.

Damn. Chris’s sob story is dark. But real talk, you know this whole “daddy doesn’t love me“ schtick is getting Becca so hot rn. She’s like “finally someone has a more tragic past than getting dumped on live television!”

The date ends with Becca making out with Chris and all of his daddy issues, whilst the famed musician sings for his supper in the background. I hope they tell this story to their kids one day. Not as their love story, but as a cautionary tale of what can happen if you take a wrong turn in your career.

OMFG. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE RN. The episode takes a strange detour and we see the chicken guy getting rolled out of the Bachelor mansion on a stretcher, covered in blood, and no one is addressing why this happened.

I feel like ABC wants us to believe Jordan had something to do with this, and I’m not buying it. If he were going to commit an act of violence, it would be against Becca’s stylist for personally offending me him week after week with her style selections. That feels more in his wheelhouse.

WAIT. THE CHICKEN GUY IS IN THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT. Chris Harrison shows up at Becca’s door and breaks the news about David. He’s being suuuper vague about what happened, but somehow David got mad fucked up at the house and is in the hospital?? Becca’s like “Did Garrett do it? Who did this?” Honestly, there are so many rage-aholics in this house that any one of them could have done this. You’ve got some real winners on your hands there, Becca!

Wait…. DAVID WAS INJURED FROM FALLING OUT OF HIS BED.  

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh that’s so good. I’d love to know how many summer shandies it took for this kid to get fucked up and fall off his bunk bed. What an Evan Bass bold approach at trying to catch Becca’s attention. Hope it works for him!

The Second Group Date

We finally make it to the second group date, and is it just me, or does it feel like we literally did this exact same date last week? I mean, I know football and dodgeball are different, but also…are they?

Okay, Becca seems literally unphased that the chicken guy mangled his face (and chances with her) last night. She’s like “anyways, I want to see some hot, sweaty boys!!”

The boys prepare themselves for the “Becca Bowl” as I prepare myself to drink until I forget that Leo just insulted another man’s hair. You have no room to talk, pal. NO ROOM.

This date is so boring that my mother is actually full-on passed out on this couch. Also, I just left the room for five minutes to chug as much rosé as needed to get through the last stretch of this episode, only to come back and see that Clay is injured?? HE’S A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Isn’t it, like, his job to know how to play this game without getting randomly injured?? 

The ambulance whisks Clay away and the camera pans to Becca, who looks like she’s starting to question if men are actively putting themselves in the ICU to get away from her.

Cut to the cocktail party, where Becca is dressed in a velvet robe. A. VELVET. ROBE. *Looks to sky for guidance* Honestly, with an outfit like that I would not be surprised if a few more guys “fall” off their bunk beds before the rose ceremony later.

Speaking of which, Clay returns from the hospital and is treating his sprained wrist like it’s a goddamn Purple Heart. It’s the most underhanded thing I’ve seen him do, and I’m p impressed. Clay’s ploy works because he gets the group date rose. Well deserved, kid!

The Rose Ceremony

My immediate reaction to this rose ceremony is this: Red satin dress and flat hair. Fuck off, Becca. Seriously, why do I even try and root for you?

In a shocking turn of events, Clay decides that he wants to leave the show because he needs an operation and that’s his story and he’s sticking to it. Like, what a fucking joke. This PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE sprains his wrist and immediately bounces? All I’m saying is Grocer Joe wouldn’t have gone out so easy. #NeverForget. I can’t wait to watch Becca emotionally unravel upon receiving this news. 

There’s no rose ceremony tonight because ABC loves to waste my fucking time. All we know right now is that Colton and Chris both have roses, and Becca may or may not have caused two separate men to commit bodily harm against themselves at the thought continuing to date her. Next week should be lit, ladies. 

Images: Giphy (7); @bachelorettabc /Instagram (1); ABC (3)

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