The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

So it’s official: The Bachelorette is now Game of Scarves, a new competition show where the audience votes for which of these stupid, ridiculous bros they want to strangle themself with their stupid male scarves each week. We choose Nick. JK but like wish we weren’t.

This week we’re in Brussels, which apparently is in Belgium (who knew). To Chris’ farmer boy surprise, this is not where the sprouts are grown. Aw shucks, Chris would probably say. 

Note to Andi: please stop pretending you know anything about Brussels, you’re reading a fucking note card. And please stop pretending like the whole camera crew didn’t get free rooms because someone bribed Brian into raving about the hotel. “The Steigenberger Hotel, the classiest of the classy” – Brian, random Bachelorette contestant. That’ll look great in the media kit.

Date with Marcus

“I haven’t stopped smiling since I met you.” Other than the time you said you were going to leave…were you smiling then?

Casually revealing your mother’s abuse on national TV. Way to go Marcus! Can’t wait to meet her next week.

Nick Shit

He calls Andi his wife so he could get to her room. Really Steigenberger Hotel? I’m never staying there now that I know their security is tight enough for any stalker to get in. The only reassuring thing about this whole scenario is knowing our sociopathdar was good enough to call him out on day 1 and we’re being totally validated by this scene.

Ew she’s staying on the second floor? They couldn’t give her a better room? And she just HAPPENS to be lounging around in her extremely clean room wearing fancy earrings and a black dress?

Andi: I know this is breaking the rules but everything goes on week seven. Even anal.

Andi: He just told me, I’m gonna marry you, so I know like he’s legit.

Date with Josh

Andi: I just want Josh to act like everyone else and tell me they’re obsessed with me.

The Subway sandwich shop in the background really adds to the culture of this date.

Josh constantly does this thing where he hugs Andi from behind and makes her walk directly in front of him. 

It would have been much funnier if when the ducks came Josh ran the other way shrieking like a female.

After their day of fun, Andi takes Josh to a frat house castle to confront him about his not being that into her.

Josh is still wearing a green club bracelet from the night before. #readytocommit.

Oh a private concert. Shocking. At this point I’m convinced the musicians are paying ABC and not the other way around.

Group Date

Andi has a Ghost moment with Chris. He obviously knows how work a clay wheel.

Chris just called himself a Nervous Nancy. He’s gotta be out.

Andi: I want to meet Nick’s family to make sure he didn’t kill them all.

Did Josh seriously do the loser sneeze when Nick walked in? Pretty sure the loser sneeze is officially dead.

“Disrespect the process” is a line that weirdos say. This isn’t chemotherapy it’s the fucking Bachelor.

Nick: I would take Dylan Brian and Chris and lump them into the same category in the sense that…they don’t matter.

The other guy’s hate Nick because he actually watches the show they’re all on together. He’s too smart!!

The face Nick makes when he talks about how confident he is is actually frightening, like he’s going to lock her up in his basement. TRY MAKING A RESERVATION AT THE BRUSSELS CASTLE NOW ASSHOLE!!

Rose Ceremony

Every time someone tells Andi they’re falling for her, I feel like she just wants to say AWWW.

Andi to Chris: Where do you live because I need to decide if I wanna vaca there.

Chris: I want you to see the farm because we reallly need an extra set of hands.

Chris: I want to let Andi know that one day I will have a relationship…and a lip.

Brian and Dylan are sent home and 0% of people are surprised.


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