The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

Last night on the Bachelor, America’s hatred of Juan Pablo came to full fruition. We realized that not only is he dumb as fuck, but he’s kind of a douchebag as well. Finally the girls started to realize what we’ve known all along: anyone with a college degree or a 9th grade vocabulary just isn’t going to mesh well with JP.

But that didn’t stop Juan Pablo from enjoying the island nation of St. Lucia. As the episode opened he got to break out his pastel tank tops and describe the Caribbean with the eloquent enthusiasm of Ron Burgandy: “Oh Saint Lucia, you are so pretty,” Juan Pablo says to himself while smiling like an idiot. “The hotels are beautiful the beaches are fantastic. There’s a bunch of coke. Overnights are special because there’s no cameras or condoms. Perfect.”


Back in Vietnam Juan Pablo and I ‘went swimming in the ocean’ and Juan Pablo felt uncomfortable with that.” CAN WE STOP BEATING AROUND CLARE'S PROBABLY NONEXISTENT BUSH. Let’s just say you already had sex and he yelled at you so you’re trying to avoid that this time.

Clare’s voice makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

Clare: What’d you think of my family?
Juan Pablo: Your family was great. Your sisters were ugly though.

FUCKING LAURA recognizing the fact that this is a TV show. What an idiot!

Juan Pablo then sets the fantasy suite precedent of pretending he wants to get to know the girls better under the guise of getting fucked.

“Tonight I get to know Clare better.”…next scene he’s just staring at her boobs

Juan Pablo totally pressures Clare into the fantasy suite (even though she clearly wanted to go) by being like “You know this is the only time we have together, RIGHT!? It’s only this time without cameras, if you don't go we don't get to have that.” Translation: You promised me anal if you made it to week 9, Clare!”

Clare: I’ve been in love with him since the day he blind folded me and gagged me and shoved me in the back of his Ford Focus.

By week 9 I’ve pretty much summed up the entire conversation dynamic between Juan Pablo and any given date:

Step 1: Reference to thoughts and thinking

“Why are u thinking so much?”
“You’re thinking a lot.”

Step 2: Erroneous non sequitur

Clare: You like it?
Juan Pablo: Yes. A lot.

Step 3: Admission that Juan Pablo likes honesty and/or thinking

Juan Pablo: You’ve been doing some good thinking here. I like dat.

Step 4: Girl says mindless vague statements that make no sense in context yet somehow manage to convince themselves that he’s understanding them.

“It matters to me that it matters to you.”
“I'm really understand you understanding me.”

Juan Pablo: It works for me if works for you.

Step 5: Besitos


Andi: It’s great to see Juan Pablo around kids
Juan Pablo: Hi little boy can we sit with you?

But seriously WHO do these kids belong to? Did ABC buy them?

ABC casted these kids to sit at this bench Juan Pablo heard these kids like to play soccer so they started a game with Juan Pablo.

Andi: I want to live a life with a guy that I can walk into a village and have a Sunday festival and play soccer with black people.

Juan Pablo: I’ve decided to drive through this jungle and murder Andi in the St. Lucian forest.

How did JP figure out to get there? Does the land buggy have a nav?

Juan Pablo: There’s nothing wrong with thinking.  – That is this season’s official tagline.

Andi: I was so happy you were concerned that I was concerned and that you have thoughts that you can process.

Juan Pablo and Andi then enter the fantasy suite and wind up on the exact same page:

Juan Pablo: We talked and laughed for like HOURS. I LOVE IT. I LOVE HER SMILE. SHE’S CUTE. OMG SHE’S MY BFF ANDI.

Andi: Waking up this morning I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite. I hope he did not think that went well. I hope he did not think that was a good date.

Juan Pablo 100% pushed Andi’s head down for a blow job at some point that night.

It took Andi 6 months to realize Juan Pablo has 0 conversational skills. “The name dropping. The stories. The mention of the overnight with Clare. There’s no filter with him and it comes across as him saying whatever he wants to say but it gets to a point where it’s just offensive it’s not funny it’s not cute it’s just wrong. It’s very important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.”  Andi has been released from the Juan Pablo Hispanic besito hold. Don’t worry you’ll totes be the next bachelorette.


Okay Nikki chill with the Coachella inspired wardrobes/mainly this fugly fringe bikini.

Wait this actually looks really fun I want to go horseback riding on the beach!

He’s a good kisser and he’s a great dad so that makes him a good person.” That is possibly the worst logic I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

I can’t hear their conversation over these fucking crickets.

I’m surprised no one has made him any leather-bound books made of hand written poems and stick figures this season.

Chris Harrison Pow Wow/Andi Confrontation

Juan Pablo: I’m feeling very good about these women.
Chris Harrison: What does that mean?
Juan Pablo: It means I like them
Chris Harrison: Like more than a friend?
Juan Pablo: Yeah it means I feel very good about these women

Chris Harrison SO clearly hates him. “At this point I hope you’re feeling more than just dece about someone.”

Andi’s video message closing argument is so suspenseful.

Andi: I tried to talk to him about things that were really serious to me and all he had to say was ‘besitos’

Andi: I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
JP: I have thoughts too. How you doin?

Juan Pablo is the ultimate ‘is what it is’ guy. “I liked you since week 2…thought you had a big chin week 1

How badly did she wanna scream SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH

Andi then freaks out because Juan Pablo is acting like a douche frat bro who just cheated on you and then when you try to confront him and break up with him he’s like ‘that’s chill.' There’s nothing worse than breaking up with a guy to prove a point and he doesn’t give a shit.

Juan Pablo: It’s okay.
Andi: It’s not okay

Passive aggressive Juan Pablo: I respect you. Do you date me? – Bobby Bottleservice over here.

Stop trying to push for the depth Andi it’s not there.

Juan Pablo: My take was: I like talking to Andi. #itsokay

Juan Pablo: I didn’t say you were here by default. I don’t know what that word means and I can’t pronounce it. I said you were barely allowed to be here.

Oh Andi he has no idea what color your eyes are let alone your political beliefs.

Andi: You don’t even know my religion.
Juan Pablo: What’s my religion?
Andi: Catholic.  – HAHAHAHAH

Andi feels like he’s mocking her but really he’s just fucking stupid and can’t process what she's even talking about.

OMG when Juan Pablo wipes Andi’s eyebrow it’s the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.

Juan Pablo: Am I disappointed. Eh. Maybe a little.

Juan Pablo seems like he’d be a great husband to communicate with: “The arguing. Nope. If she wanted to stay after that I would’ve said no. Because you never fight with someone you’re in a relationship with. NEVER.”

Juan Pablo: She’s a lawyer. I’m not going to argue with a lawyer.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison: Ladies hello again. Andi is no longer here. She’s dead. Juan Pablo killed her in the jungle.

Nikki’s genuinely pissed she’s like fuck if my friend doesn’t want him I don’t want him either.

Obviously there’s 2 roses and there’s two of you so if you don’t feel like I’m the person for you, IT’S OKAY I’LL JUST FIND A ST. LUCIAN PROSTITUTE TO LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF.”

Ugh now we’re left with Juan Pablo, Nikki, and Clare aka the top three hated people of this entire season.


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