The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Dates

Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was more boring than what we’d imagine sex would be like with any one of Clare’s sisters. The producers didn’t even bother to make the rose ceremony climactic seeing as they showed Andi in the previews for next week. Like this is how the episode went down: Juan Pablo went to all the girls' hometowns, they all wanted to say I love you but couldn’t because obviously no one ACTUALLY loves him, and then he sent Renee home because she seriously oversold Ben’s ability to throw a curve ball.

Date with Nikki

Nikki takes Juan Pablo to the fast food place that Champ owns in Anchorman 2.

Juan Pablo has been excited about 3 things this season: video chatting with Camila, fucking Clare, and discovering BARBECUE.

“I just had a blast eating with Nikki“

“And I really appreciate that a lot”  – Juan Pablo says this at least 3 times an episode.

Not only is this date boring but the mechanical bull riding session is HORRIBLY boring. But like, why is mechanical bull riding something that Nikki does a lot? 

“It's pretty hot watching Juan Pablo have a seizure on the mechanical bull”

Nikki’s Dad: What makes you think Juan Pablo would be a possible husband for you?
Nikki: He makes me feel really comfortable. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just awesome. Like magical I feel really really good about it.  – THIS IS VAGUE AND NOT A REASON TO MARRY SOMEONE

Oh is it magical Nikki? IS IT?! Is it magical that the two of you have the chemistry of dead pigeons?

Date with Andi

This gun range date is so Mr. and Mrs. Smith except instead of assassins, Mrs. Smith is a lawyer with good aim and Mr. Smith is random guy from Miami with an exceptionally low IQ.

Andi: Today Juan Pablo is going to meet my dad “Hy” my mom “Bye” and my sister “whatsupbitch”

By the looks of their awkward stiff dancing, I CAN’T POSSIBLY imagine why they would possibly get into a fight morning after the fantasy suite.

Juan Pablo loves talking with his hands when he speaks to the parents as if that’s going to help them better understand him.

The only guy who keeps it real is Andi's dad. Hy's response to Juan Pablo’s question of “will you assept me in dis family” was one of the few intelligent things anyone said on this show. He has like, standards. He should chill with Sharleen.

Date with Renee

The Bachelor loves exploiting parent child relationships.

Sometimes Renee looks so pretty and sometimes looks like a tired dog.

Poor Renee everyone but her knows this isn’t happening.

Juan Pablo and Ben have more to talk about than Juan Pablo and any of the girls.

It would be mad awk if like Ben kept missing all the balls and like falling all over the field.

Juan Pablo’s thinking: he’s making bracelets… is he a homo?

JP: What are you thinking?
…I’m surprised he didn’t pick her and I do not mean this sarcastically.

Date with Clare

Clare's sisters' ages are literally confusing the shit out of me. WHO is who is what is when is how is what gene pool?

What is up with Clare’s weird fucking sister Laura who looks absolutely nothing like her. She looks like an angry Babushka.

Steer clear of any girls that refer to their moms as momma.

Juan Pablo is such an abroad girl. “Venezuela esta hot but sometimes not so hot.”

I’m having a hard time counting Clare’s average to heinous sisters.


Rose Ceremony

^ A pose Juan Pablo and Renee will never assume

This entire season Juan Pablo wanted to be really fair to Renee because like him, she has a child, so he kept her away from her kid for 2 months, had her introduce him, and then immediately threw her ass to the curb. But it’s chill because he cried for a sec and said “I respeck you a lot.”

Whatevs. Even though Renee poured her heart out, she didn’t even look that upset. Probs because she quickly realized that she dodged a HUGE bullet and deserves better than this stupid donkey fucker.


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