The Best Bachelor Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read

Last night on The Bachelor Juan Pablo decided he didn’t give a fuck and wasn’t going to propose to either of these bitches. After introducing both girls to his family who hates him he decided to spit in ABC’s face and be like, IDGAF if you’re a huge corporation who paid for 10 weeks of my vaca, I was here to fuck as many women as possible. Mission accomplished. I’m going home to go clubbing in Miami.

You have to hand it to Juan Pablo, though. Despite the fact that he’s obviously a pretty big douchebag who slut shames women, can’t form a complete sentence, and uses his romantic off camera moments to tell Clare “I love fucking you,” he is, at the end of the day, pretty damn honest (you know, besides the whole telling Clare he was going to pick her and then doing the opposite of that thing). Even his family had no desire to pretend he was a great guy with his own mother listing his best qualities as the ability to make women cry and his adult ADD. It’s too bad both these girls were so desperate for a boyfriend that they decided to ignore that shit.

Clare Meets the Fam

So Camila doesn’t speak English? I guess that’s kind of a good thing considering she might be able to avoid hearing her dad using her as an excuse to act like a douche all season.

Juan Pablo is clearly psyched to introduce Clare to his family: “I’m gonna go get Clare. She’s from Sacramento. I’m not gonna tell you anything else about her because that’s actually the only thing I remember.”

Clare on Juan Pablo and Camila: You can just feel how much they love each other Juan Pablo loves exploiting his daughter.

Clare’s like, you have your ears pierced? Camila’s like, yeah are you blind, bitch?

Shady fact: Clare is too stupid to speak Spanish despite her entire fluent family.

JP’s mom: How do you feel about your communication with Juan Pablo?
Clare: I love it. I love that we communicated. He said this is how I feel.
JP’s mom: He’s rude.
Clare: It’s honesty. He made me cry.
JP’s mom: Yeah he makes me cry all the time.

Clare on that weird ass exchange with Juan Pablo’s mom: It was amazing to have Juan Pablo’s mom confirm everything that I feel.  – CONFIRM WHAT CLARE THAT JUAN PABLO MAKES EVERYONE AROUND HIM CRY ON THE REG?

Rodolfo: That woman is in love. How do you feel about her?
JP: Good. She’s ready man.
Rodolfo: Like I don’t want to say that she’s desperate but she said she’d suck my dick if I convinced you to pick her.

OMG why are you holding hands with Juan Pablo’s dad CLARE!? I’m pretty sure JP’s dad just said he loves Clare which is weird because Juan Pablo doesn’t. How many members of JP’s family is Clare promising to have sex with in exchange for a rose?

I’m pretty sure Juan Pablo’s brother is Inigo Montoya from Princess Bride and cousin Rodolfo is Diego, Dora the Explorer’s pet monkey. But really, can Rodolfo’s braces get their own twitter hashtag? #cousinrodolfosbraces

Nikki Meets the Fam (again)

Basically, even Juan Pablo’s family hates him.

Looks like JP got his English language skills from his dad:
Saul: I think Nikki is enough honest to be able to manage a good relationship with Juan.

JP’s mom: How do you see your weekends with Juan Pablo?
Nikki: I see us going to the beach or out with Camila and hanging out.
JP’s mom: Let me tell you how your weekends are going to be. You’re going to watch TV with Camila all weekend. First Juan will watch soccer then Camilla will watch cartoons. You’ll be cooking in your underwear the whole time.  There’s no beach. There’s no activities. His mom is practically mouthing ‘RUN NIKKI RUN’ behind the camera. 

Is Juan Pablo a wife beater? His whole family seems to be like trying to hint that these girls should run and hide.

I’m sure Nikki is thrilled that Juan Pablo just asked the cameramen if he could pick both girls.

Juan Pablo’s dad reminds me of those drug lords in all those movies where they have a gun under their chair.

Nikki’s puzzle earrings are really distracting; she definitely wore them as a metaphor for her and Juan Barfo.

Juan Pablo’s brother: “Nikki…is a good choice, but Clare has also big boobs soo…

Studio Audience

Chris Harrison: Will one of the two final girls become Juan Pablo’s wife? Will the girl say yes? Was Juan Pablo here to find love in the first place? Are they paying me enough to be the face of this stupid fucking brand? 

Ugh I hate when they bring back The Bachelor alums like they’re some sort of expert panel. Do Sean and Catherine have jobs? How many fucking episodes can they appear on? Also sup with Kelly's Adam's apple?

Chris Harrison: What do you think about Juan Pablo?
40 year old divorcee: I think this is a disaster. The family warned him against both of the girls.

Chris: Let’s get the pussy whipped guy in the audience’s perspective.
Guy: I think it’s going to end well. Team Nikki.

Date with Clare



Can they just get a little more insightful? Maybe they are perfect for each other, actually.

While on the helicopter:

Clare: the mountains, the water, the waves. All you see is green blue. It’s amazing.
Juan: Clare is hot. ay ay ay

AH WHAT DID HE SAY TO CLARE!?  Before he dumps Clare and tells us he said “I love fucking you,” I had an entire 45 minutes of thinking about what he actually said in the helicopter. My first thought was imagining he said the Bobby Bottle Service dialogue “'Vous les vous couchez avec moi' which is French for I wanna eat your pussy.

In the time after she's saying he said all these crude things to her she's holding his hand up the hill. Speak up about your feelings bitch!

Then Clare pretends she has self-respect and confronts him about his rude remarks. I might have had more respect for her if she didn’t refer to herself in the third person.
Clare: What I want for the relationship sure I want the physical but I want more than that.
JP: I don’t need the physical you already put out.
Clare: I know Clare enough to know what I want.

How are we supposed to understand this conversation if no one will tell us what the fuck he said?

JP: I know if I pick you you’re just going to listen to whatever I have to say so like, if I want to knock you up right away I’m down if I want to fuck you, you can do that okay. We have a great relationship.

JP: The best thing about you is that you got to meet my family.

Clare: “I was confused.”  – That’s usually what happens when you are having a conversation with a man who is speaking gibberish.

Seriously JP, Clare gives you a whole speech about how you were rude to her and your response is “so that’s why you wont give me besito?

JP: I know you know that I know you know we know I know you know… besito?

Wow, Juan Pablo’s been thinking about this decision for A WHOLE WEEK?! I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to wear for my birthday for longer.

Juan Pablo: Can I see myself with you? Sure. Do I want a chicken gyro for dinner? Maybe.

“It’s not good bye we’re going to see each other in 4 months.” OMG what a dick I can’t believe he chose Nikki after that.

His strategy was just to make her forget what she approached him about and then shut her up by playing a song on his shitty phone.

Clare: We should just play it when we get married.
JP: Or just hear it now.

I like how you talk about your dad. Your boobs are big. You also like double stuffed burritos.”

If I were Nikki watching this episode I’d be like YOU FUCKING DICK YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE GONNA PICK HER? That would be a huge fight but then he’d be like its ok its ok and then she'd set his house on fire.

Date with Nikki

Nikki: I feel like you're guarded.
Juan Pablo: When I feel it, I will open up. So no, I’m not guarded. I just don’t like you that much.

Oh my god. The one douchey thing Juan Pablo hasn’t said until now is ‘it is what it is’ and HE JUST SAID IT.

JP: You know who’s nervous too? THIS GUY!

OMG he kissed her forehead after that note basically pouring her heart out. I can’t deal.

Final Rose

We don’t even get to see the part where he chooses the ring probs because Neil Lane def doesn’t want to be associated with this bullshit.

Clare, who needs to go easy on the makeup has an extremely pathetic day start to finish. “I know my dad would be proud…of me being rejected on national TV.”

Is there a new clause where the girls give embarrassing speeches before Juan Pablo reveals his decision?

Juan Pablo’s break up speech with Clare: Clare you got out of the limo and I was like “’Oo Clare. Look at her. Hm.’ and we communicated and talked and you’re here. I appreciate you being here. –  REALLY? That line!? That’s what you say in a rejection email after a job offer.

OMG he has the douchiest smile on his face I can’t take it. “I’m glad I didn’t pick her.

Clare to Juan Pablo: At least Sharleen and Andi were honest with you! You’re a liar!
Juan Pablo: I made this decision like 5 minutes ago, chill.
Clare: You ruined my life I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Couldn’t they make them a path? Like heels in mud is torture enough and then having to stumble down the dirt road in heels post rejection?

Clare to the cameras: Don’t tell me you can see yourself with me. Don’t tell me you love fucking me.

Chris Harrison: I know I speak for everyone when I say that was fucking brutal. Will Juan Pablo use the engagement ring or will he keep it for himself?

I have a ring here in my pocket and I’m not going to use it. I like you a lot. That’s it. ” He then creepily winks and the show ends like WHAT THE FUCK.

So after all that Nikki got was a fucking boyfriend? Juan Pablo is saving that ring for when Sharleen has a change of heart or hits 40, whichever comes first.

Read our After the Final Rose recap here.


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