Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was fairly dramatic but pretty amusing. We got to meet Juan Pablo’s hot ex, parents, cousin Rodolfo, and cousin Rodolfo’s enormous 1980’s style braces. We watched as Clare and Nikki got into the first major bitch fight of the season and witnessed Sharleen try to come up with pleasant euphemisms to describe the fact that Juan Pablo is too dumb to seriously date. In the end Sharleen left, Nikki met the fam, and Juan Pablo cried more tears than Dawson Leary on his period.
Date With Sharleen
Juan Pablo walks into the suite and hands an unsuspecting Sharleen the date card. Sharleen is naturally excited: “Am I like, supposed to read this date card?” She's like so pissed she wanted to stay home and watch House of Cards.
Sharleen: You want to go right now? B-b-but I haven’t shaved my vag.
Sharleen: Do I seem uptight?
Juan Pablo: Not that tight. #JuanPabloism
Sharleen uses this date to confirm the fact that Juan Pablo is in fact dumb as fuck. However, as JP has said many times before she is classy and so finds ways to say this that are less unflattering:
“I’m missing this cerebral connection that I so need.”
Juan Pablo is obviously not getting the memo that he has to prove himself intellectually:
JP: Words that you use how you speak it’s so proper I like it.
Sharleen: I need to know if I have a mental connection.
JP: The moon, the sky, boat
What we learn from Juan Pablo and Des is that once again ALL PEOPLE REALLY WANT IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE THEM.
I don’t think there have ever been more one piece bathing suits than in this season.
“I wish I was a little dumber so that I could be with you.” Sharleen’s basically the most well known opera singer alive right now.
Sharleen then goes to talk to everyone’s BFF, Renee, about her Juan Pablo doubts. Does Renee get paid by ABC for all this free counseling she does?
Meanwhile, back at the house:
Clare: Sharleen’s like an anomaly. Like, what IS Sharleen. – It’s not an anomoly it's called a college degree, Clare.
Date with Nikki
This is like taking Nikki on a stepmom test drive. Sharleen gets to go on a boat cruise and Nikki has to sit through some 5-year-old’s shitty dance recital that sucks. Nikki proves to be both annoying AF and insanely cocky after this date with JP.
Nikki: I was so nervous but then the dance recital began and all my nerves went away. – YOU’RE NOT IN THE RECITAL NIKKI.
After all Juan Pablo’s speeches about not having his daughter meet multiple people that he’s making out with he takes one of his six girlfriends to watch Camila’s recital and meet his entire family.
Chris Harrison is like totally MIA this season. No pun intended.
Nikki: The fact that Juan Pablo is willing to exploit his family for me is really exciting.
Imagine if after the show Nikki was like ‘Wow she was awful. I can dance way better than that.’
Camila’s mom is so pissed she’s giving serious bitch face to Nikki. Juan Pablo then talks about how great it was for Nikki to meet Camila and what a great chat they had even though all we got to see was Nikki making fun of Camila’s Cheeto breath.
Sharleen comes in and the girls freak out “WHY ARE YOU FANCY!?”
Why does she have to justify her decision to them? Either way they'll pretend to be sad but actually be fucking ecstatic she’s leaving.
She might be the only bachelor contestant to come out of this show looking less like an idiot than when she came on it.
Sharleen: This is excruciatingly difficult
Juan Pablo: What does excruciating mean?
Juan Pablo then pulls his signature move of trying to lure the girls back in when they’re pulling away with long and intense eye contact
Juan Pablo: Sharleen look at me. Look at me in de eyeballs. – This breakup reminds me of the story of the hippopotamus:
Juan Pablo then bawls his eyes out. “I’d rather be appreciated being honest than not being appreciated not being honest.” – Uh yeah me too?
Of course unlike Des he’s over it about 5 seconds later.
Chelsie is like a Bachelor politician campaigning for her parents…Before the hometown date she brings letters from her parents to show them how funny they are: “See how good their letters are! My mom told me not to be a slut LOLZ”
Juan Pablo: The best part about Chelsie is her family that I’ve never met.
Andi gets the group date rose and a night on the town with Juan Pablo where she takes an opportunity to see how well a rose can withstand an extensive night of partying in Miami. Verdict: very well.
The girls go home and instead of drinking decide to put their energy into creating drama. Clare comes upstairs to start unnecessary shit with Nikki over nothing. This fight then escalates into something having nothing to do with their original conversation.
Clare: Who was talking shit?
Nikki: You interrupted.
Clare: Who was talking shit!?
Nikki: Get out of my room.
Clare: This isn’t your room. Did you pay for it!?
Nikki: No. Did you?
I wish a producer would come into the camera frame and be like ‘actually I paid for it can you both get out?’
Clare makes a hometown date with her sound really appealing: “My family will like totally throw me under the bus like they’ll be like this one time Clare, in band camp, stuck a flute in her pussy.”
Clare: I wanna hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jellyfish.
Side note: I can’t believe Juan Pablo did this M&M commercial. The girl looks weirdly like Chelsie is that her?
Clare: I pity the fool that says she’s not nervous.
Ah Nikki’s the token girl who calls him her boyfriend when he’s dating 5 other people. HE’S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND NIKKI AND IF HE IS HE JUST CHEATED ON YOU WITH LIKE, 3 GIRLS.
Nikki: Clare didn’t get crazy from nowhere.
Ugh Nikki’s cockiness is mad annoying.
Ah Chris Harrison takes a break from
thinking bout himself clubbing at LIV to make an appearance for once.
Clare gets so pissed that he sends Chelsie home instead of Nikki. Who does Clare think she is? Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? “Big Mistake. HUGE.”
On her walk to the limo, Chelsie is just blurting out these cheesy as fuck affirmations as if she’s on her way to the guillotine and then breaks down in the limo. I wish she would've sang “One Day More” from Les Mis for effect.