The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

Last night on the Bachelor Juan Pablo and his troop of American girls headed to Vietnam and had only a slightly different experience than that of Forrest Gump.  Like Forrest, Juan Pablo said some stupid shit, didn’t really understand the culture, and said goodbye to his black friend. Unlike Forrest, JP went on a scenic boat ride, bought presents for his daughter, and got fucked. We learned some key lessons about life, love, and loss but also that the only thing easier than getting the bachelorettes to make up bullshit love metaphors is getting ass from Clare.

Date with Renee

Juan Pablo: “It's so nice to find someone at the same age in the same place and on the same page as me who I have zero interest in whatsoever”

Renee has been hoping for every night to be their first kiss since the first night of the show. Silly Renee, if Juan Pablo was actually looking for an age appropriate wife who would be a good mother to his daughter he’d be on, not in Vietnam trying to avoid you.

Juan Pablo and Renee have the most boring date yet as they can’t talk about anything other than being a single parent. Honestly Juan Pablo’s body language towards Renee seems more like he’s trying to add her to Camila’s carpool circle rather than make out with her.

Did Renee forget to put on deodorant that Juan Pablo insists on pedaling behind her?

“The date card said ‘are you the right fit?’ so I’m gonna put it in her and see.”

Juan Pablo rationalizes that it’s okay for his daughter to see him making out with 15 girls but he doesn’t want Renee’s son thinking she’s a huge slut by kissing her ONE date.

Group date

Juan Pablo decides to totally ignore his rule from last episode about not making out with anyone and decides he has to hook up with everyone, out of fairness. Seriously this bro got more action on the group date than a frat bro at the Acapulco Hyatt circa 2009.

It literally looks like they're eating grass in various solid liquid and vapor forms and every girl is pretending to love it.

Juan Pablo winds up sharing a boat with Clare because everyone hates her and no one wants to be her boat partner. It’s sort of like that floser in gym class who has to pair off with the phys ed instructor.

Stupid shit overheard on the group date:

“I was telling the girls that they should totally have things like farms and stuff back in America.” – Cassandra, Mensa scholar

“I think he’s melting the ice queen.” – Clare

I need to know that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears”  – Sharleen he would have no idea how to even start interpreting that.

“I can’t control who he takes out. I can’t control whom he gives the rose to. I have these feelings that I feel.” – Andi

Juan Pablo: “Honestly this date was amazing” Yeah for you it was obviously amazing.  You made out with like 8 people.

Next slutty Clare comes by to really earn her group date rose by convincing Juan Pablo to have sex with her in the ocean. JP rationalizes this by saying random shit about Clare that has nothing to do with the situation of her showing up to his suite at 4 am. “I just want Clare to feel comfortable, and if she’s comfortable I can know her. So we’ll go in the ocean.

“There’s this thing that I have with Clare that I don’t have with anyone else in the house.” Yeah, it’s called an erection.

Clare says some stupid nonsensical shit in reference to her decision to have sex on national television:

“This situation is like when a giraffe is born and it can’t walk at first because my vagina hurts from having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean.”

Date with Nikki

Nikki: Rappelling down this cave is sort of like falling in love in that it’s dark and I feel like I might get raped.

What is up with this headband this is not Coachella its 'nam

“I feel like I stuck my finger in a live socket.” …so you feel like you got electrocuted and died?

The following are a couple of stupid ‘Hell’ puns ABC extracted from this cave date:

Even though this is hell being here with Juan Pablo feels like heaven.”

“We had a ‘hell’ of a good time!’” Shoot me in the fucking face.

After scaring the shit out of Nikki and then using this as an aphrodisiac, Juan Pablo and Nikki sit down to dinner so Nikki can talk about the sick kids she works with. Juan Pablo responds with some insightful questions:

Juan Pablo: But why male models kids?

Nikki thinks she’s being deep by telling Juan Pablo she’s not a morning person therefore ‘admitting her flaws.” YEAH I HAVE REALLY BAD BREATH IN THE MORNING TOO.

I just wish one of these girls would fucking correct him when he asks them if they will ‘assept dis rose’ and just be like 'IT’S ACCEPT AX-EPT. ‘ Like it’s the one phrase you have to say at least 5 times an episode just figure it out man.

Rose Ceremony

Ugh its so embarrassing to watch Renee beg for a kiss by insisting her son won't be mad. Like he's 8 and that YouTube clip of his mom spinning around joyfully because she got kissed on a reality show will surely follow him for some time. Juan Pablo kisses Renee in an effort to get her to shut the fuck up and then slaps his hands like that was the hardest thing he’s done all day. Phew, TG that’s over!

Clare: Here’s to finding love, being in love, and making love.  – I’m so happy JP made you cry minutes after announcing this.

Juan Pablo then basically tells Clare that his daughter’s going to think she’s a slut for seducing him in the ocean.

Clare: I knew in the ocean that it was a mutual feeling.  – Oh Clare didn’t anyone ever teach you that it’s always mutual until they cum?

Clare: It takes a lot for me to open up. – Your vagina says otherwise.

Andi, mention the amount of people going home ONE more time. We get it. You’re an attorney you can do math (sort of).

Kelly got some sick Viet kush before this rose ceremony girl looks stoned as shit.

Sharleen is like uncontrollably crying when these girls leave she must’ve been hooking up with Kelly or something.


More amazing sh*t

Best from Shop Betches