The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

Ah The Fantasy Suite dates! Both we and Chris were obviously really excited for this week. We imagine Kaitlyn spent the week prior doing her kegel exercises, Becca took the past few days to work out her forearms, while Whitney most likely went around poking holes through every single condom at the local Bali drugstores. Like we said, it was a big week for everyone.

Not only were the girls excited to finally get eff out of the continental United States but Chris is quite giddy as well. He even pulled out his super fun cargo shorts for this.

“Chris H. I don’t think I’m in Arlington Anymore” – Dorothy Chris S. exclaims.

But it’s the Fantasy Suite dates so he needs to start getting serious about his decisions. “If I’m going to feel confident about getting on one knee for one of these girls next week, I have to feel confident they’re good at getting down on both of theirs.”

Date with Katilyn

“Omg it’s like this feeling that I’m getting, I know what’s coming…” Kaitlyn talks about falling in love like she’s talking about getting her period.

What the fuck is with all these monkeys is this Jumanji?

“I wish I could be more like a monkey and go for what I want.” At this point the producers must be bribing the girls to come up with metaphors. This one’s a reach. 

Chris then gets pissed on by one of the monkeys and his reaction was something straight out of a Pampers commercial. “No problem just a little pee pee.”

Immediately after this urine debacle, Kaitlyn passionately kisses him. Yummmmmm.

Kaitlyn: I’m starting to have these deep feelings for you, it’s crazy. Like I’m falling or you.
Chris: Assantay Sanna Squash Banana

“Every moment I have with Chris is so exciting.” I have to disagree, I’m fucking falling asleep.

Kaitlyn looks like she’s really taking in that humidity.

Kaitlyn telling Chris how she knows she’s in love: My mom was like, wow you really like this guy! And I was like really? And she was like REALLY! Then my step dad was like you definitely like this guy and I was like NO WAY!!

Date with Whitney

Just noticed that Whitney walks like she has a tampon half stuck out of her vag. If it’s not a tampon it’s prob where she’s hiding the First Response stick for the morning.

Whitney then goes on another rant about why her protective, realistic, and caring sister is a moron for fucking up her perfect hometown date with Chris. To which he says, “it’s NBD, it doesn’t change anything.” YEAH that’s what he told Jade too.

Holy spray tan knee Whit. 

While Whitney goes on and on about who knows what while Chris thinks, “is there an off switch on this Furby?”

Chris: After realizing that Whitney has like, a real job I’m not sure I can see her living in Arlington.

Whitney can’t stop telling Chris she’s definitely falling in love with him but I can’t stop thinking that Whitney is definitely the type of girl who falls in love with anyone with viable sperm.

Chris needs to clarify things with Whitney because she doesn’t really know that Arlington is not a place that has actual things to do for human life…
Chris: My life is so fucking boring are you sure you want to pretend you’re down to move with me?
Whitney: Definitely.
Chris: But like, you have to understand, you have to drive everywhere. If you want to take a shit you have to drive 3 hours to Des Moines.

Whitney: I have this career but it’s like totes NBD to give it up like I don’t love it love it you know?

Whitney is the poster child for giving up all your ambitions for a man. “I firmly believe that life takes you places and it’s not an issue to give up all your hopes and dreams for a dude.”

Chris is saying anything he can to get Whitney to not want to move to Iowa. “You like talking to people right? Do you like brands like Diet Coke?” There’s none of that in Arlington.

Whitney: I don’t care. I just want to have your babies.
Chris smiles harder than if someone just offered him a free tractor. 

What’s irritating me is that I see no chemistry between these two. Chris only likes Whit because she’s pretty enough to marry and she is down to live in Arlington. Whitney only likes Chris because he is male.

Date with Becca

Not to be creepy but I love Becca’s outfits and I love Becca’s teeth. No homo. But like, do we think she has veneers? Where does she get all her leather accessories? She really knows her own color palette.

Becca: I only want to get married once. — The best way to do that is to obvi go on the Bachelor.

Becca and Chris’ date to the Bali psychic (?) goes really well. They find out Chris is going to be a good father, that they make a great couple, and that they should definitely make love tonight. As they leave Chris slips the guy a $20.

Becca is clearly very nervous to go to the fantasy suite. “I’m sure there will be a lot of talking, kissing, and hand stuff.”

Becca: I am a virgin.
Chris: ::Breathes very heavily, mumbles incoherent nonsense::
Becca in interview: His response was perfect!

Chris: I think that says a lot about who you are. I respect that.
Becca:  Thank you.
Chris: Sooo like are blow jobs off the table?

Necessary Post-Date Reflection With Chris Harrison

Are Chris Squared drinking beer out of straws?

Chris H: So what are you thinking?
Chris S: I want them to meet my family, I want all three girls to meet my family. I want to have sister wives.

Chris: The only difference between these girls is that Kaitlyn and Whitney said they’ll say whatever I want to hear to get the rose and Becca has like, an opinion and idk if I’m okay with that.

Rose Ceremony

Aww Chris Squared are dressed in matching karate kid uniforms. Dorbs. Chris S jokingly tells Chris H he looks good to which Chris H responds, “NO you needa take this shit seriously. NO TOUCHING.”

In other words, please respect this holy sanctuary we’re about to film you dumping a girl you just fucked 1-3 days ago for another girl you had fucked 1-3 days ago. #bali

The women are shown wearing really cute saris through which you can defs see Kaitlyn’s black bra. Keeping it classy Alberta.

Chris then takes Becca aside to offer her a hairbrush.

During their side chat Becca wanted Chris to know that she’s willing to put down roots in Iowa but she cannot guarantee those roots will be properly dyed.

Oh shit she’s back, that MOTHER FUCKER – Kaitlyn

Meanwhile Whitney is trying hard to concentrate on her Phoebe-esque pregnancy exercises under her skirt. Are you there little fetus? Won’t come greet us? I will buy you some Addidas.

Then shocker of all shockers, he sends Kaitlyn home.

Kaitlyn: What happened?? I sat on your face for like an hour.

SURPRISE! Chris doesn’t say one coherent sentence while breaking up with Kaitlyn. Chris babbles on and on about how excruciating this week has been for him instead of telling her the real truth: she just didn’t look that cute in Bali and he can’t imagine what she’d look like in Arlington.

There’s nothing that makes a girl feel better than a guy telling her he’s just not sure if breaking up with her is the right thing to do while a camera man shoves his camera in her face to blatantly expose her heartbreak to the entire country.

Chris’ eloquent breakup speech to Kaitlyn: There are certain things I don’t understand right now. Like what I am doing right now, or how to multiply two numbers together, or what a verb is.

At this point we’re starting to doubt that English is Chris’ first language. He makes Juan Pablo sound like fucking Shakespeare.


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