The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

Things got pretty heated on this week’s second 2-hour long episode of The Bachelor. Britt and her sparkly clown makeup were dumped, Whitney may or may not have stolen Chris’s sperm just in case she was going to be sent home that week, and Jade introduced Chris to her Playboy pics as well her dad and brother-sons. I mean these were the hometown dates so naturally things were super tense. Obviously Chris dealt with it the best way he knew how, blurting nonsensical words followed by three nervous giggles.

The end of Sunday’s Iowa episode

Megan: I feel like you dont’ know me that well 
Chris: Yeah totes. You should probs go… 

All Becca got on her little date with Chris is a conversation…on a couch!? No helicopter? No rappelling off big ass buildings? What the fuck is this, real life?!

“This Iowa loft where Chris is staying is really trendy” I mean Chris (Soules) definitely doesn’t live there… he’s probably borrowing Chris Harrison’s apartment that he had designed for him because he’s fucking fancy and Iowa doesn’t have any hotels.

Carly, who cares what Britt’s intentions are, just let her go home. You sound like the little bitter bitch that could.

Despite Carly’s transparent and lame jealousy of Britt, this was truly the betchiest exchange:
Chris Harrison: Cocktail party is cancelled, you’re all going straight to the Rose Ceremony.
Carly: Oh my gosh. ::smiles and looks at Britt::

Side note #1: Are we really supposed to believe that for three months these girls only packed one suitcase and like one carry on? I bring that much on an extended weekend to the Hamptons.

Side note #2: Anytime Chris Harrison speaks about Chris Soules, I always think he’s just referring to himself in the third person. Chris has been having a hard time but Chris has made his decision and knows what he has to do.

Britt was obviously never planning on leaving and just wanted Chris to accept her stupid apology.
Britt: I’m sorry for the way I acted. No I wasn’t lying about liking Iowa. I even said I love the lifestyle.
Chris: Well that’s bullshit because the lifestyle fucking sucks.

Britt would actually fit in in Iowa, she could use the lack of water supply as an excuse to not shower.

She then has an emotional breakdown outside the house. I have never seen fake crying look so realistic, it was straight out of Legally Blonde. She was forcing those sobs harder than the producers forced her to use soap when she bathed. 

Whitney: Britt didn’t get a hometown. Now I’m totes getting one by default. YAAASS.

And after all that Carly goes home. “I want someone who freaking wants me. Why’s it so hard to just want me?” — It could be the eyebrows.

Side note #3: Loving Becca’s leather dress.

Aw poor Jade, You know you’re into a guy when you’re crying because he broke up with your friend. We all know during the rose ceremony she was like, “omg please don’t pick me please don’t pick me I can’t live in fucking Iowa.”

Hometown Date: Becca

Becca’s entire family could not stop going on about how Becca is not an intimate person and does not like to be touched. Could they ruin this for her anymore?

Becca’s dad is also named Chris. There’s something about a virgin dating a guy who shares the same name as her father that makes too much sense to me right now.

Chris: So what is she like?
Becca’s family: Well, we all thought Becca was a lesbian!

Becca has like the nicest teeth, she deserves to be in the final 2.

Becca’s sister: So fantasy suites soon… he is going to have to just be okay with these sugar donuts as the most exciting part of the evening. — Ew, who orders sugar donuts for room service. Cheese quesadillas and extra cheesy pizzas all night. Chocolate milk optional, depending on how blackout you are.

Chris then tells Becca he’s going to kidnap her and takes her to a deserted fair in Louisiana. Instead of calling 911, Becca declares she’s falling in love.

Hometown Date: Whitney

Welcome to my hometown. Now jerk off in this cup for fun! Can’t decide what’s more attractive on a date, wearing that nursing cap or asking your guy for a sample of his specimen.

We wouldn’t be surprised if she had her eggs ready to go in the next room, and the fertilization they watched together was really Chris’ sperm being inserted into Whitney’s egg.

But then Whitney noticed Chris was not down for this at all and reluctantly decided she was just JKing. 

But even if Whitney was kidding, she like WOULD test his sperm. And by “test” she would probably like, keep it, freeze it, and promise herself that if she’s not married within the next year, will proclaim that CHRIS’ BABY WILL BE HERS.

Chris: That’s what I love about Whitney. — What? the fact that you couldn’t tell if she was kidding about giving her your sperm?

Whitney was raised by a single mother and she passed away a year so the dynamic is gonna be a little different here it’s going to be fucking depressing.

Whitney to her sister: DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR ME I MUST GET MARRIED! Don’t you dare ruin this with your goddamn common sense Kimberly!

Whitney: How do you think it went?
Chris: Hmmmmmmmm
Whitney: I want you to be honest
Chris: I am, I just can’t speak English

Why do the girls have to move? Why can’t Chris just like move out of Iowa and like develop a farmers app or something.

Hometown Date: Kaitlyn

Who rented this recording studio? Why is the only recording studio in Phoenix located in a meth alley?

Kaitlyn was surprised that the lyrics actually spoke to her. Family means everything so does an engagement ring. Now that was truly beautiful. Nothing like dangling an engagement in front of a girl’s face that makes her forget that her boyfriend is doing the same thing to three other people.

Side note #4: Kaitlyn’s mom is her twin and OMG that fire pit table is lovely, I want it.

That means a lot to us this is all just so AWESOME. Let’s just spend the night soaking up each other’s awesomeness. – Kaitlyn’s mom

How much did Kaitlyn spend on this hometown date? A studio AND a billboard. Kaitlyn <3 Chris. Definitely a sign she’s ready for a committed relationship.

Kaitlyn juts keeps describing Chris like he’s a great babysitter. “Wonderful stand up guy. Very responsible. Has great snacks.”

Hometown Date: Jade

Jade is also from a depressing obsolete town.
Chris: This place is a lot bigger than Arlington. There’s like a bakery and everything!

“Chris is def the nicest guy I’ve ever brought home.” Yes Chris is def slightly different than Hugh Heffner.

How is Jade sometimes “too much?” Or “a wild mustang.” Okay she posed nude once but she emotes less than a carcass

The way the dad embraces Jade’s sexual freedom makes me feel like this entire family critiques her photos as a fun post dinner bonding activity. 

Zach’s like, “Jade is a huge whore and I really am surprised she hasn’t told you about that yet.”

Is Zach like her brother-husband?

Jade: I have something to tell you but I am afraid it will change your opinion of me. I posed naked for Playboy.
Chris: Playboy? Thats it? I thought you were gonna tell me you bathe with your brother, because it really feels that way.

Jade: Do you want to look at the pics together?

“She took her bottoms off.” – Omg he’s like a serious grandpa.

Chris: Thank you for today Jade and getting me really hard. I need to go home like, right now.

Little does Whitney know this is what Chris was going to use to jerk off in the fertility room.

Chris is like, “I don’t see this is a deal breaker. I see it as a fun night ahead of me alone in my hotel room.”

Rose Ceremony

Chris then pussies out and doesn’t give the rose to Jade after she shows him her nudes. Apparently you did see it as a deal breaker CHRISTOPHER.

Chris: This has nothing to do with what you showed me, I just have developed stronger feelings for the other girls.
Jade: I understand
Chris: Before you leave, can you text me the website with that video again?


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