The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

Last night on The Bachelor Chris Harrison interviewed Andi, Kelsey, and Chris Soules for an hour before we got to see the rest of the two hour episode which is just one of TWO 2-hour episodes on TV this week. I didn’t’ watch the first interview part because I HAVE A LIFE ABC! Like WTF, if the Bachelor airs any more weekly episodes watching it is LITERALLY going to turn into a full time job.

Anyway, last night’s episode was kind of boring and the only thing we really learned is that we’d rather shoot ourselves in the face than live in Arlington, a town so sad they don’t even have a movie theater, let alone a Soul Cycle.

Rose Ceremony Cancellation

Chris walks into the cocktail party and the girls feel the need to congratulate him on getting rid of the worst people. “We were so proud of you for deciding not to date girls that weren’t us.”

For some reason Britt is like massaging Whitney’s shoulders during the cocktail party.

Chris: I don’t want to take someone to Iowa that I don’t see a future with because the cows are very particular about my ladies.

Chris then announces the exciting news right after dropping Megan like a two-day-old green juice. Ladies, put on your Sunday best, we’re going to IOWA!!!!

Whitney: Praise the lawd Jesus there’s no rose ceremony.

OMG the girls are thrilled they’re going to Iowa. Carly looks like she’s about to have a heart attack. You’d think he’d announced a trip to Paris rather than a trip to bumblefuck middle America.

Why would anyone feel honored to be invited to Iowa? If my parents planned a family trip there I’d give myself up for adoption ASAP.

The girls travel to Iowa and they all describe it as if they’ve been locked in a dungeon for the past 30 years and have never seen a sidewalk.

Carly: I didn’t expect Iowa to be this beautiful. There are trees that are changing colors. 

Date With Jade

Jade has some great commentary on Iowa which was basically someone holding up flashcards of nouns she had to read. “Telephone pole. Dirt road. Cow. Wild Grass.”

Chris then shows Jade the farm and she’s like, soooooo interested

Chris: Land is one of my passions. I like owning it and working with it.
Jade: Coolness.

Jade is so not into this. Literally after everything Chris says about the farm aka his life’s passion and work Jade replies with “that’s cool.”

But that’s not all! Jade also got to meet Chris’ cows! This is Jessica over here. She took my v-card.

Chris then jokes about naming a cow after Jade. Lolz, Jade is planning her escape route and poss not def dropping bread crumbs to find her way back to civilization, 

Chris then gives Jade a tour of the saddest town in America. Jade fucking hates this place. It’s like a hometown date from hell. “This is where I came with my parents to get meat. “This is the supermarket. It’s called The Market. There’s no jobs, no people. This is the bank. We call it bank. This is the restaurant. It’s called Restaurant.” It’s like Chris’ whole town is a blueprint that hasn’t been developed yet.  “This is where my dad goes to get coffee. It’s not a coffee shop it’s actually just the house of the only guy in town with a coffee machine. This is the best hotel in Arlington. They even have a color TV.”

OMG the only thing to do in Iowa is go to a HIGH SCHOOL football game this is like, so pathetic.  Chris there is no fucking way Jade is moving here.

Chris’ entire family is at a high school football game despite the fact that they have no kids in this high school. Honestly, this hometown is scarier than the one in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Chris: It’s very important for me to see Jade’s wild side. – Oh you’re gonna see it alright. Up close and centerfold.

I’m sure that Iowa high school student is thrilled to see a national camera crew filming a guy making out with a Playboy model against her locker.

Is this The Bachelor or Girl Next Door? It’s all blurring together.

Chris: Even though Starmont lost I feel like a definite winner tonight. – Ugh shoot me now.

Meanwhile back at the house

Britt: Seeing Jade on this date is shaking me in a part of my soul that I’ve never been touched in. – Can we talk about overreacting. 

Carly’s so annoying let Britt be pissed and relax. Instead the producers suggest Carly suggests a road trip to Arlington. Carly is thrilled to stop by Chris’ church and see that they both share…the same old sad picture of Jesus? OMG Chris and I love the same Jesus! #Meant2Be

Carly: If Chris and I both happen to have this picture of Jesus being brutally crucified by the Romans than I know we’re meant to be.

Carly is so animated and annoying in her interviews I think she should take over hosting the Big Comfy Couch.

Date with Whitney

This date with Whitney is so fucking boring.

Chris’ best friends are the three stooges. They kind of look like they all starred in the Goonies.

Whitney basically tells Chris that she wants him to adopt her. Siblings 4lyfe! 

Ugh Whitney’s voice is awful it makes me want to com sui.

Chris and Whitney then get to see a picture that sort of vaguely resembles them kissing painted on the Des Moines sidewalk.

Whitney: Turning around and seeing our photograph had been painted, like omg. –  I can’t wait till tomorrow when someone graffitis a dick coming out of Whitney’s mouth.

TBH that painting looks nothing like them.

Is it going to be awkward when Chris doesn’t pick Whitney and there’s a permanent mural of them making out in Des Moines?

Group Date

Jade then reveals her secret to Carly about having done Playboy. Carly is REALLY comforting when Jade reveals her the deep dark secret. “I think they’re going to think you’re a huge whore as soon as they hear Playboy. But like, don’t worry.”

Britt takes an opportunity to show Chris how much she loves Arlington by taking him aside and telling him how much she loved Arlington.

“I can’t believe anyone would willingly go to Arlington.” – Chris

Carly then decides to become a Brutus and throw Britt under the bus for her TERRIBLE lie. “OMG Chris I’m freaked out for you Britt told you she loves Iowa but actually she like, thinks it’s just okay.” 

Side Note: Kaitlyn’s got a great selection of crop tops.

Chris to Kaitlyn before giving her the rose: I feel like I’m the luckiest man when I’m with you and like a couple of other people.

Britt is bitter AF. Chris, as per usual is awkward as fuck. “It’s tough but you are all amazing women.”

Britt: Kaitlyn imma let you finish but Britt had the best group date of all time.

Britt then word vomits the fuck out of her emotions towards Chris and her betrayal of not getting the group date rose evey single fucking episode. Chris responds eloquently:

Chris: Big, tough, difficult decision. Hard. Yes. Um. Eh. Right decision. And um. Lataz.


Who knew Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud was about Britt’s post group date rose freak-out?


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