This week’s Bachelor episode was fantastic. We got rid of two of the most psychotic and annoying girls in Bachelor history, got to witness the pinnacle of Chris’ awkwardness, and finally we got to…see Mount Rushmore?
Truthfully I’m getting a little tired of these girls pretending they wouldn’t rather be in Europe than a random Costco in South Dakota. I mean, the nicest hotel in this state is the Holiday Inn. “Mount Rushmore is the perfect place to fall in love,” said literally no one ever besides Chris. But whatevs, I guess we didn’t need any fancy Croatian ruins to be entertained by this pack of America’s most insane reality stars.
I like how all the other girls are just sitting there calmly hoping Kelsey would just die. She uses her panic attack to get an extra five minutes with Chris and the girls are not having it.
Kelsey: I’m going to get a rose tonight for sure, let’s cut to the chase.
She speaks like a MANIAC like a legit serial killer. I’m actually afraid of her. Her evil stare is straight up lasers SEND IN THE LASERS.
Ashley: She may be lying about the whole husband thing. Do you have paperwork? I know you’re thinking it. – Well finally someone says it out loud.
Kelsey: I’m at a juncture in my relationship with Chris. – You mean the juncture where you just met him?
Kelsey’s fake panic attack is treated with…an oxygen tank and some hearty small talk with the producers. Kelsey then calmly walks back in the room with the girls wearing a fur blanket, made from the bear she just skinned.
Kelsey: OMG I fainted lolz. I was nervous that I said something bad to Chris.
Carly: Well then you’re lucky you talked to him.
Kelsey: ::flashes serial killer smile::
Kelsey: OMG our convo on the tile floor with an oxygen mask was just like, we so connected. – You can tell Kelsey says this right before she stabs all her husbands.
Carly: Today was crazy. First the cocktail party was cancelled then Kelsey had a fake panic attack then I got a yeast infection. What a week!
Samantha is gorg but like DID NOT SAY ONE WORD the entire season.
Mackenzie: If I don’t get a rose I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. – I GUESS WE’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.
See ya lataz Samantha we’re going to miss all those funny jokes.
Jade: Samantha was lucky enough to have terrible things happen to her just like Kelsey, but like… it’s sad… because she didn’t even get to talk about it.
Date With Becca
The date card reads “Let’s give love a shot.” And Kelsey is fucking pissed that she didn’t get it. She’s like fuck I would’ve loved a gun on a one-on-one date.
Kelsey makes me want to evil laugh. She could totally get a horror movie deal and just play herself. “I’ve worked so hard perfecting my sociopathic smile to get to this place, I better get a one on one!”
Becca looks A LOT like Nikki Ferrell from Juan Pablo’s season. She better be careful with that trot or she might pop her cherry on the horse.
Becca: Chris’ laugh is my favorite thing to make fun of.
The date consists of shooting and horseback riding and then laughing at each other by the fire place while discussing their five-year plans.
Like what’s a farmer’s five-year plan? My plan is I want to shuck at least 500 pounds of corn and buy at least like, one cow.
Chris reveals he wants 4-6 kids. Run for the hills Becca he’s going to tie you up and breed you like one of his farm animals.
The girls confront Kelsey
Yes this is a great idea. Confront the psychopath you sleep in the same room with. Carly: I don’t understand why people aren’t questioning Kelsey. – Um maybe it’s because they’re terrified of being murdered on the way to work on ‘the sunniest day in Austin.’
Kelsey explains why the girls don’t like her. “I get it. I am blessed with eloquence and I use a lot of big words and I am articulate. I didn’t go on this show to get defeated or lose sight of my ultimate dream which is to cut Chris up into a million little pieces and put him on my mantle and plant flowers next to his grave.”
Group Country Music Date
Chris’ idea of a great group date is having the girls write him love songs and then abandoning 95% of his group for an hour to go to a pretend impromptu country music concert with the world’s most beautiful/smelly waitress, Britt.
Chris: Country music is a big part of my life. – Ugh deal breaker.
I thought that country singer was going to get hit by a car as he forced Jade to run out on the street with him while rambling some crystal methed-out nonsense.
Jade: It’s hard for me to do something I’m not really good at. – Weird, USUALLY it’s really easy to do something you’re not good at!!
“I’m not gonna write you a love song.”
Sara Bareilles Jade
Chris sounds like a dying goat singing, I wish that guy from Texas Chainsaw Massacre standing next to him would hit him on the head with his banjo.
Britt: I got that sweet feeling. ::Singing::
Chris: Wow, that’s exactly how I feel. Britt and I are meant to be.
Big and Rich remind me of that crazy chorus teacher from 5th grade.
Ugh I can’t be like “aw Jade is so sweet” anymore, after I have seen her inner vagina.
“Britt and I have this connection that I don’t understand” It’s called the ‘I want to fuck the shit out of you connection.’ Happens to many people off the farm.
When Chris smiles he just looks super confused. He literally cannot form a complete sentence. The speech and debate team in Winchestertonfieldville Iowa must not have been ranked well. “Cheers to best day. Good songs. Girls. Okay.”
Carly is turning into Cookie Monster over this group date rose.
Carly: Me Carly! Me want rose!
Side note: Carly is Zak the crazy drilling engineer from Des’ season’s sister. The family that exploits themselves on the Bachelor together sticks together.
Oh look! Big and Rich happens to be playing and oh look there’s a concert!
Britt: I love this music this is crazy!!! – Big and Rich is like, ok like get off my fucking stage now.
Brit and Chris then walk back in all drunk and sweaty and no one knows where they went. Chris pussies out AGAIN and like bounces once things get awkward, actually leaving Britt there to deal with the wolves who want to tear her apart/hand her a bar of soap. “I’m going to let you girls have the rest of the night to wallow in self pity. Um yes. Well. I’m out. Okay”
OMG Whitney’s face when Brit says they went to the Big and Rich Show. “BRIT DOESN’T APPRECIATE COUNTRY MUSIC! She doesn’t even like gator meat!”
“I think it’s difficult because my heart is pure and I’d be an amazing wife and mother.” – Wow Whitney sound sexier!
Carly is so sad all the time. This was HER date; she’s the singer, she sang and doesn’t get the rose…she drinks the milk even though she’s lactose intolerant. WHEN WILL IT STOP!?
They should just slip Chris an anonymous note being like ‘ask Britt the last time she showered’. DONE.
2 on 1 Date
Chris: Ashley and Kelsey are great girls. – No. False. They both suck.
Kelsey wants to be this season’s Sharleen but she’s not Sharleen. Instead she just acts like someone’s annoying mom; she is actually wearing macaroni noodles as a necklace. Even her posture is like, orthopedic and for some reason she found it necessary to dress as Steve Irwin. She also thinks naming the presidents on Rushmore is going to get her a rose. On second thought, why does Kelsey know the Badlands so well, is that where she dumps the dead bodies?
“Literally with this, I just can’t even,” deep thoughts by Ashley.
Ashley takes Chris away in private to consume his face like a vulture in the desert. She then talks mad shit about Kelsey not so casually.
Chris then comes back and does a girlfriend swap and totally outs Ashley for talking shit about Kelsey. This is seriously like the three way phone call from Mean Girls. “Ashley thinks you could totally be the Spring Fling Queen but she says you’re a murdering sociopath so no one will vote for you.” Was Chris the new Queen B?
Kelsey: I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been a wife. – So convincing Kels.
Kelsey goes back to the strange middle-of-the-desert-bed and looks at Ashley and it’s like wowww Ashley is going to die. THIS 2 ON 1 IS SCARY AS FUCK.
Ashley: You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words. I’m sorry I’m not from Pleasantville I’m from 2014. You and I both have our masters and I have it from a good place. – What is your masters in Ashley, contouring?
Chris then realizes he’s from the South Side of Iowa and he does not have time for this shit. He breaks up with Ashley by telling her that she might not be mature enough for him. What are you trying to say Chris? You don’t think Ashley and her seven bronzers are going to fit in milking goats on the farm? Ashley refutes the notion that she’s immature by crying in Chris’ arms like a small child, stomping her feet and running away, and then yelling at Chris for not running after her.
OMG Ashley’s an ugly crier just like the REAL Kim Kardashian! “Are you kidding me, Chris!?”
All the girls are like shocked and depressed when they see Ashley’s bag being taken away. She didn’t like, die guys…
Ashley and Kelsey are both equally terrifying but like in different ways. Kelsey is like Swimfan and Ashley is like Kim K. On a heavy dose of estrogen.
But that’s not all! Chris also breaks up with psychotic Kelsey. “Given the fact that if I string you along you’ll probably murder me, I feel that you should GTFO.”
So wait it looks like Chris gets in his helicopter and leaves both Ashley and Kelsey in the middle of the desert to die.
Chris: You can walk home bitches.