The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Scar On Madi’s Heart Is Bigger Than The One On Pete’s Head

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Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.

Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go. 

PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:

Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken. 

Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete! 

You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know. 

We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin. 

PETER: G’day sheilas!!!

Christ. I should have known. 

Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter. 

Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?

THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:

Hannah Ann’s Date

Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?

Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note. 

I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!

Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!

Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women.  If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.

VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??

HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.

Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there. 

Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand. 

Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.

Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.

I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.

The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!

Victoria’s Date

I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!

Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!

They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria. 

VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:

Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions. 

HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent* 

I see right through you, girlfriend!

I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off. 

Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!

Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?

Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.  

Madison’s Date

Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.

Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!

I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC. 

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Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!

Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women. 

She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!

Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.

Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.

Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!

Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY. 

Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!

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