The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Apparently People Come On This Show For The Wrong Reasons?

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Welcome back fellow Bachelor fans to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read according to me, the author and person who blackmails her friends into reading her recaps for clicks! I always find it a little cruel and unusual that ABC would dare air an episode on a national holiday as if the majority of us didn’t just spend the extra day we’d been given recuperating from the long weekend in the fetal position on our couch wishing for death as we binge watched the entire season of The Circle in one sitting (just me?). But it’s fine, ABC. JUST FINE. 

Moving on. Last week we were treated to what might be the best thing I’ve ever seen on my television screen: #ChampagneGate2020. There was crying, champagne stealing, and a grown woman taking a shot of champagne straight to the eye like a mf CHAMP. Watching this girl humiliate herself on national television as she drunkenly blubbered about someone stealing her alcohol is something I felt and resonated with on a deep, almost cosmic, level. Kelsey, please never change. 

This week’s episode starts the same way my day did when I realized I’d run out of ibuprofen and would have to spend the next 24 hours actually suffering the consequences of my hangover: in tears. Hannah Ann is crying about her ruined reputation as a champagne stealer, Kelsey is crying about her and her bottle of Andre being misunderstood. I’m crying because even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours treating my body like a used up Franzia bag, I’m still somehow forcing down a glass of red for this episode. We all have our crosses to bear!

Hot Victoria’s One-On-One Date

Hot Victoria gets chosen for the first one-on-one date of the week and I can already tell it’s going to be a doozy when Peter shows up looking like an ad for toxic masculinity in his flannel shirt and matching pickup truck. Jesus.

Wow, they are really leaning into this country vibe today. First the pickup truck, and now this outing to shop for cowboy boots? Is this because Victoria is from Virginia? Peter, I thought you, like, traveled a lot? You know there’s more to the state of Virginia than just Bud Light and the “save a horse, ride a cowboy” bumper stickers you were clearly envisioning when you signed up for this date. 

I love that Hannah Ann gets to walk away with from The Bachelor with Revolve’s spring line and Hot Victoria gets some souvenirs from the local Boots & Scoots. 

Oh how CONVENIENT that they just happen upon this honky tonk bar in the MIDDLE of L.A. Are there just Nashville pop-up shops like these around every corner? Hmmm? And what’s the next stop on this date? Dinner at the Cracker Barrel? 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey and Hannah Ann continue to verbally rip each other to shreds over a bottle of champagne. As someone who has lost friendships over a misplaced bottle of moscato before, I understand how this can fracture a relationship. Carry on ladies.

Peter and Hot Victoria head into the evening portion of their date and, sadly, it won’t consist of them shooting squirrels and other small game and roasting their kills over a fire pit for dinner. How very off brand for the evening. They’re eating dinner at an airplane hangar, so I guess Peter has officially retired his cowboy hat for the evening and has replaced it with his pilot cap. Got it.

Victoria launches into a very moving story about how she spent her youth in and out of homeless shelters taking care of her little sister while her mother was absent, and this is how I know this show has ruined my soul and made me lose all empathy for the human race because all I’m thinking is “yeah, yeah, another sob story, let’s move on.”

ME: Do I like Hot Victoria?
HOT VICTORIA: *has the life story of a Lifetime movie heroine, the cheekbones of a Hadid sister, and pursued a career in medicine to help others*
ME: Nah, she’s a lump

I think Peter was a little surprised to learn that Hot Victoria is more than just an Instagram filter brought to life because his reaction feels a little too heavy-handed to me. He tells her that she is the only thing that matters to him and then something about her light shining and, honestly, it’s all bullsh*t. He doesn’t even know her! It’s just empty words! Like, yeah, that was a pretty speech and all but I’ve murmured those same words alone to myself in my living room anytime more of Jughead’s backstory is revealed on Riverdale. It doesn’t, like, mean anything!

Unsurprisingly, Hot Victoria scores a rose from today’s date, because as if Peter could eliminate her after hearing a sob story like that. Nice play, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had it in you.

The Group Date

Going into the group date this week, tensions are high and there are a lot of unanswered questions, like why is Demi here and did she slash Chris Harrison’s tires this morning so she could be the new host? I mean I love Demi, but I still don’t understand her presence during today’s date. I’m truly shocked that she’s managed to delay her expiration date for this franchise by this much, but I guess that’s what the new face was for…

Demi shows up to the house at—judging by the women’s disheveled appearances—what must be an ungodly hour of the morning. Alayah hasn’t even put on her eyelash extensions yet! 

DEMI:

She introduces her two muscled henchwomen as Champagne and Killer, and this feels on the nose even for ABC. Kelsey and Hannah Ann aren’t even going on this date for god’s sake! We learn that Demi has gifted all of the women lingerie that she believes fits each of their personalities. Savannah, one of the hottest women in the house, gets her grandmother’s mumu while the nanny from Georgia declares she got some cute “linguine.” I hope her employers are watching this and realize that they need to get their kid hooked on phonics ASAP. 

The lingerie will come in handy because for the date the women will head to an underground pillow fight club where they will wrestle to the death for Peter’s attention while simultaneously putting feminism back 30 years. I love a good multitask! As the women start dressing in various states of lace, silk, and in Savannah’s case, Victorian necklines, this is beginning to feel less like a group date and more like a sorority hazing ritual that will end in one of them threatening to call their daddy the lawyer. 

KELLEY: I’m not really feeling this date. Who wants to see their attorney in lingerie on national television?

Um, who wants to see their attorney stick their tongue down a commercial pilot’s throat on national television? But you’ve already done that so what’s your point, Kel?

What a shocking coincidence the final matchup is between Sydney and Alayah, whose feud in the house is only second to Hannah Ann’s with a discarded champagne bottle. Honestly, I would be scared to fight Alayah. She’s 118 pounds of lip liner and hairspray and she has the confidence of a person who’s never been on a date that ended with the guy venmoing her for drinks. Good luck, Sydney!

And what do you know! Alayah wins! She gets a crown and two minutes of Peter’s unwavering attention. I hope she’s happy with that. 

Okay, Alayah is way too confident to be at this cocktail party wearing Charming Charlie’s earrings. Not only am I appalled, but I feel as if my retinas have been permanently mutilated from the sight of those monstrosities dangling by her shoulders. 

Sydney is still a little sour from losing the pillow fight and has decided to channel all of that energy into exposing Alayah as fake. Her first line of questioning: does Alayah have a job? LOL. Do any of you?? She’s like “so, Alayah do you work” and it’s like, of course she doesn’t work, sweetie. If she had a paying job would she be taking an indefinite vacation to pursue a commercial pilot on national television at the expense of her dignity and family’s good name? Come on.

SYDNEY: Well, I have a job.
ME ON MY COUCH, EMPTYING A BAG OF CHEETOS STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH:

Sydney brings her concerns about Alayah’s “realness” to Peter’s attention. She says there’s a lot of girls in the house who “turn it on” for the cameras and I love that she can say that with a straight face and those eyelash extensions. Maybe let’s have this discussion when you get some screen time with the eyelashes and lips you were born with, mmkay?

Peter is at a loss as to how to handle this turn of events. This goes beyond what he learned in flight school. He decides that the least dramatic way to handle this, really the only way to handle this, is to put Sydney on f*cking blast in front of every other girl on this date. OMG PETER. Are you trying to get her killed??

PETER: Sydney, didn’t you say Alayah was a fake ass hoe? Or was it fake ass bitch? I can’t remember. Can you clarify for us here?
SYDNEY: 

Oh sh*t! She named names in front of Alayah and everything!! I’m shocked. I truly did not think she had it in her. B*tch better go into witness protection after this is all I’m saying.

THE RAT GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. WHAT!! Peter gives Sydney the group date rose because she was “open and honest” with him, and this might be the first time in history that a rat has ever gotten the group date rose. Wow, way to make history, Sydney. 

The Pool Party/Cocktail Party

Cut to the next morning, and Alayah has really taken Sydney’s words to heart. She’s distraught from the attack on her character. She’s so upset that someone would accuse her of being fake that she decides to go on camera with her glasses. How very brave. That will show them, girl!

Chris Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor mansion and it’s like, how very nice to see you Christopher! I don’t think he’s spoken words or appeared on my screen since the night one limo entrances, and it’s comforting to know that Demi hasn’t completely taken over as host of this show… yet. He gets his obligatory five lines in for the episode and while it’s nice to see, it’s this lack of initiative that makes my neighbor who has only watched two episodes of The Bachelor ever think he’s the Uber driver and not the host of this goddamn show. Do better, Chris.

He tells us that instead of a cocktail party Peter will be hosting a pool party! We are to believe that this is out of the goodness of his heart and not because he would like to see them all half naked before he makes another elimination tonight. Sure, Jan. 

Okay, damn. All the girls are going in on Alayah and she is screwed. The only way she can come back from this is if she anonymously publishes her own burn book and blames it on Cady Heron Sydney. *turns up volume*

Production is doing absolutely no favors for this supposed pool “party.” All the footage they’ve captured is of girls taking naps by the pool or gently sipping mimosas. I’ve seen wilder things at the community pool in my Grandma’s retirement community. That Eugene is a REAL scoundrel. 

Alayah decides that she needs to squash this beef with Sydney if she has any hope of winning over Peter. She’s going to do this by having an honest and open conversation with Sydney and she’ll even leave her eyelash extensions at home and everything. Ah, yes. The modern day olive branch, if you will.

Peter seems way too invested in this authenticity debate. He keeps asking Alayah about her intentions and why other girls think she’s fake and how does he know what’s real or fake with her? Okay, Peter, but what are you really worried about here? She’s not the only one who’s going to fake an orgasm with you okay!!

PETER: *laughs nervously* but you haven’t faked anything with me, right?
ALAYAH: I can’t fake anything I swear!!
ALSO ALAYAH:

But Alayah’s reputation cannot be salvaged, because just as the dust is clearing for her, Hot Victoria comes in to tell Peter about the illuminating three hours she spent with Alayah pre-production. Yes, Victoria, please tell us about how in 180 minutes you learned all about Alayah’s innermost secrets and desires, but in the two years I’ve worked at my job I still don’t know my PM’s last name.

Hot Victoria tells Peter that Alayah told her that she would be open to other opportunities after this show even if it wasn’t as Peter’s wife. I’m sorry is this supposed to be news to anyone here?? SO IS EVERYONE, VICTORIA. WHAT IS YOUR POINT. 

Look, I’m not Team Alayah or anything but I think this is a little unfair. She’s one of a NUMBER of pageant girls this season (including you, Hot Victoria!) so by no means is she the only one here who is skilled at manipulation and acting fake for the cameras. And literally everyone is on this show to pursue their personal brands! And do you want to know how I know this? Because every single woman here looks like they walked straight out of the FaceTune app. Their arguments would be much more believable if even one of them showed a single, physical flaw in front of the cameras. 

Peter confronts Alayah again and you can tell the poor girl has had a few minutes thinking they were all good and is now about to be completely blindsided. He asks her about the producer thing and you can see the moment she knows she’s f*cked. 

She says that she only told Hot Victoria to lie because she didn’t think that two people who knew each other could be on the show. I’ve heard better excuses from the five-year-old I used to babysit when she would tell me she didn’t draw on her parent’s bedroom walls, her invisible friend Martha did. Come on, Alayah, you’re better than this!

Going into the rose ceremony tonight the atmosphere is TENSE. I feel like there has been a lot of drama in the house this episode. What, is everyone’s cycle syncing or something?

Kelsey is the first to receive a rose this evening, and it’s great that she continues to get rewarded for her terrible behavior. It gives me hope for the future. Meanwhile, MyKenna’s anguish is actually visible throughout this entire rose ceremony. Watching a 22-year-old, physically flawless Instagram model understand rejection for the first time in her charmed life is truly giving me life. 

Ugh, but MyKenna gets the last rose of the evening, which means Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa, and Sarah are all going home tonight. 

But wait! The plot thickens! As soon as Peter gets one last look at Alayah and her rack he feels conflicted by his decision. He asks the producers if there’s a way he can bring Alayah back and it’s like PETER THERE ARE NO TAKEBACKSIES IN THIS GAME!! You know, unless you’re Hannah Brown, and then by all means play a game of musical chairs with all of your romantic suitors. 

And on that note, I’m outtie betches! See you next week where we’ll learn if Peter brings Alayah back and the women in turn form an angry mob where they draw and quarter him in the town square for his idiocy. You love to see it. Until then!

Images: Giphy (6); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1)