The Bachelor’s Women Tell All was last night, or, as it is more commonly called, the “Bachelor In Paradise Audition Tape.” All the girls were there—Corinne! Taylor! Kristina! Liz! Elizabeth—wait who the fuck is Elizabeth? They all showed up to once again desperately attempt to get America to GAF about them enough to be able to platform their success into a lucrative career selling waist trainers and hair supplements on Instagram. Like on every previous season of The Bachelor, many of the women showed up with new hairstyles that they prob got for free in exchange for letting the hairstylist tweet a photo of them. Danielle M’s new platinum blonde bob and white jumpsuit looked amaaaazing, but unfortunately for Danielle M she’s boring AF and barely said anything the entire two hours. Sorry girl, you gotta have more than a good hairstyle to stand out on The Bachelor. Do you think Corinne would have been this successful if she’d just sat back and tried to let her hair extensions do the work? Honestly, maybe.
Also, to the people in the audience who actually spent real U.S. dollars on merchandise that says “Make America Corinne Again,” God save your soul. To the person dressed as a shark—may God rain blessings upon you.
NICK VISITS BACHELOR NATION
The evening started with the return of fake crashing Bachelor Nation’s homes, in which people just happen to be having huge Bachelor themed events and just happen to leave their front door unlocked for any camera crews that may or may not appear. Surprise! IT’S ME, NICK VIALL.
Also, “Chris Harrison walks into a sorority house” sounds like the start of a really gross joke.
Then they drag the obviously intoxicated Backstreet Boys out for a second time to just like…hang out with Nick and watch episodes of The Bachelor? Is this really what The Backstreet Boys have become? SAD.
ALL THE RANDOMS
After seeing how much attention Corinne has gotten since the show aired, all the girls you barely remember from the first three episodes start fighting hard for attention. First there’s Lacey/Gretchen Weiners, who says more in the first 10 minutes of the Tell All than she did all season, and Josephine/Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus, who showed up in a mustard yellow velvet dress and dark purple lipstick like this is some kind of murder mystery party and not a reality dating show recap. It was Josephine in the dining room with the selfie stick! Didn’t Chris Harrison specifically tell you bitches not to light the black flame candle? SMH.
Then, of course, there’s Elizabeth, who says the phrase “I’m all for someone releasing their inner Khaleesi but you were a total slob kabob out there!” To which America replied, “literally what are you talking about and also who the fuck are you?”
Seriously, who. Is. Elizabeth? Was she just wearing so much makeup nobody recognized her? Did she really just quote Kourtney Kardashian and think we wouldn’t notice? Is she a Russian plant sent to keep an eye on Kristina? These are questions I have.
They also try to drag up the fake Liz drama again, and give her the opportunity to explain why she hunted down her one night stand for four months and ambushed him on national television. Her explanation, basically, was “feminism,” which is hard to argue with these days. Liz then proceeds to cry for the entirety of the Tell All, probably in some weird attempt to show Nick they have a lot in common. She was also most definitely wasted.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Finally, we actually get to what everyone wants to see, which is Corinne and only Corinne. Watching her smile while she knows she’s getting the loudest WOO was so great. Could have watched that for 3 hours. Corinne was made for television.
Corinne was full-out Corinne last night, giving zero fucks and refusing to apologize for anything. She was backed the entire way by Josephine, who is apparently obsessed with Corinne in what appears to be some kind of LeFou/Gaston situation.
Chris Harrison even drags Taylor up there and it turns out everyone hates her kind of more than they hate Corinne.
Taylor: I struggle with the shaming of me being a mental health counselor. I feel very—
Corinne: [takes staged Champagne break to uproarious applause]
Taylor then tells us that Corinne has jeopardized her career as a mental health counselor. EARTH TO TAYLOR. You went on The Bachelor. If you didn’t want to jeopardize your career you should have just applied to be Eileen Davidson’s therapist on RHOBH.
The only thing close to an apology that came out of Corinne’s mouth last night was when she said “I’m sorry I was fucking tired!” in response to Jasmine’s bizarre tirade against naps (“Babies take naps!!”—okay so you don’t like babies?) and then she even manages to mind-fuck Taylor into apologizing for saying she didn’t want to be friends, which is exactly why Corinne is queen. She also takes this opportunity to clear up the whole “being an adult woman with a nanny” thing, by explaining that she only called Raquel her “nanny” to avoid calling her a housekeeper, because Raquel means too much to her to be considered “just a housekeeper.” For future reference, Corinne, the word “friend” also exists.
Then everyone is served cheese pasta that I’m assuming took Raquel many hours to make, and Corinne goes back to her seat to get ready for BIP.
The girls got the opportunity to yell at a surprisingly not dry-eyed Nick Viall last night and all the most random ones took that chance. While Corinne, who actually had a legit relationship with Nick, stayed pretty chill and just stuck to trying to eye-fuck Nick from her seat.
Lacey: Don’t talk to your kinda girlfriend about your other kinda girlfriend.
Chris: Unless he was putting you in the friend zone.
Nick: We’re not even friends who the fuck is this woman? And who the fuck did her nose contouring?
Then Alexis chimes in with some realness. The girl may not know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, but at least she knows where she stands.
Danielle L also took the opportunity to show off her fake crying skills, forcing Nick to go over, in detail, how when she first arrived in the house he was excited because she is hot but then they hung out and she was boring so he sent her home right after she said she loved him.
Danielle: I wish you’d sent me home and not put me on a 2-on-1 date.
Chris Harrison: Yeah that’s not how the thing you signed up for works, and sorry you’re not the Bachelorette, we know you tried hard.
Then The Bachelor very classily forced Kristina to relive her abusive childhood, which Liz took as an opportunity to make another drunken speech about feminism while Kristina looked on like, “bitch don’t steal my applause.”
RACHEL IS THE BACHELORETTE
Finally at the end of the show we get to see Rachel, who was unfortunately not wearing her penguin onesie and was instead wearing some weird asymmetrical thing. The girls all gushed over her and pretended to be really excited for her while secretly wanting to stab her eye out.
Rachel: It is an honor to be the first black Bachelorette. I’m so humbled.
[CUT TO: Jasmine forced smiling while a single tear runs down her face]
Honestly, the best part about the finale being next week is that we’re all one step closer to seeing Alexis and Corinne again on Paradise. TEAM DOLPHIN.
Read this week’s Bachelor recap here!