The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

“I can’t believe Nick’s coming to my hometown!” – We can’t believe it either, Corinne.

If this season of The Bachelor were an episode of Friends it’d be called “The One Where Nick Cries Like a Little Bitch.” I wouldn’t be surprised if before each scene the producers are like come here Nick, you have got to see this! and make him watch like 5 solid minutes of Life is Beautiful so he’s extra emotional. I also wouldn’t be surprised if they did nothing at all and he’s actually that fucking ridiculous.

Nick’s emotional quote of the night: “I have so much love and respect for Kristina, but like not that much.”

Also, Rachel doesn’t get kicked off this episode either which means that they announced her being the Bachelorette TWO whole episodes early. Where oh where have your ratings gone, ABC?

Date With Raven In Hoxie

Nick And Raven

Raven pulls up to her date on an ATV and their date in Hoxie begins!

Raven: In Hoxie, whenever you have a meaningful conversation with someone you take them to this huge water plant and then you strangle them!

Nick: It’s Raven’s day to plan, and so far she’s shown me a giant metal tower and had police chase us off.

Cop: So you don’t have ANY ID?

Nick: I mean I’m Nick, the Bachelor?? Hello?? Look at my Insta.

Why do I feel like I’m in True Blood?

True Blood

Ugh Raven seriously has such a good body ::types while sitting amongst a pile of empty Hershey’s kisses wrappers::

First of all Raven wore a white T-shirt on purpose which was a great move. Thrusting in mud however, was not. 

Mom: And daddy’s cancer-free!
Raven: Stahhhpppp itttttt

Raven’s family decides to dramatically announce that her dad is cancer-free, making Nick feel upset that the spotlight is taken off of him. Like he legit has no idea what to do in the corner. 

Nick: Good job man, on like all the chemo and health stuff. ::goes in for a pound::

I hate how they’re forced to say I love you before Nick leaves their houses. But Raven couldn’t pull the love trigger. Instead she said something like:

Raven: There’s no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.

…Wow they should put that on a hallmark card. Just beautiful. 

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Date With Rachel In Dallas

Nick And Rachel

Why’s Nick dressed as if Rachel’s taking him to meet her accountant?

Rachel: I wanted to show Nick what a normal day for me is like and so I’m taking him to church!

If I ever had to show the Bachelor “What I do in NYC” I would show him how to sign up for an account on Seamless and then we’d spend the next hour or so deciding what to eat trying while attempting to match the delivery time with how much time we think it’ll take us to pick something to watch on Netflix. Then sit on the couch watching it for 8 hours. Or how they’d say on The Bachelor… It’s the perfect place to fall in love!

Anyway back to church… Knowing ABC’s track record, I’m shocked that they didn’t use this as a plug for a Tyler Perry movie: Madea goes on The Bachelor.

Somehow I can’t imagine the Temple Beth Shalom people receiving the Bachelor crew as openly as this pastor did.

“Church was fantastic” – Earth to Rachel, Nick just came back from rolling around in mud with Raven in a white T-shirt. Church was meh at best.

Nick gets to Rachel’s house and is put at ease when he sees a white man.

For the next few hours Rachel’s entire family plays fun games like quizzing him on what’s on his dinner plate and having him say “black woman” 8 times fast.

Nick: I know that Rachel’s black, we don’t keep secrets from each other.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

Date With Corinne In Miami

Nick And Corinne

WE’RE GOING SHOPPPPPPING!!

Shopping White Chicks

Corinne was sick and tired of seeing Nick wearing exclusively Gap so she decided to Pretty Woman him. 

Nick’s like, “fuck I’m gonna need to sell a lot of sugar bear hairs to afford this sweater”

“It’s a classic piece!” – Corinne is Cher Horowitz

Nick: I love how Corinne doesn’t take herself or 3K too seriously.

At least we now know how much a sponsorship costs on The Bachelor

After their shopping spree, Corinne sits Nick down at a beautiful indoor-outdoor restaurant and tells him how she really feels:

Corinne: I…. (checks cue cards)… love you?

Ron Burgundy

Question, are Corinne’s parents mobsters because they’re talking like they’re in The Godfather.

Corinne’s Mom: Raquel is part of our family, she’s like my kids’ second mothah.
Raquel: The second you stop paying me I’m out your lives forever, assholes.

Is Nick only into girls who call their dads Daddy? Like he asked both Corinne and Raven if they do a few episodes ago and like, look how far they’ve gone. Soooo….yeah.

Now we know why Corinne refers to herself in the third person since her dad also calls Corinne “Corinne” to Corinne.

Say Crack Again

Corinne’s dad: Are you okay with being the breadwinner after all of this?
Corinne: Daddy you know I don’t eat carbs.

Why won’t anyone acknowledge that it’s her dad’s money? Like Corinne has 300k Insta followers now, there’s no way she’s selling Epoxy Flooring Liquid or whatever the fuck her dad sells (actually you can find out what company they own here

What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run? An Investigation

But LOL Corinne, a girl who can’t even make it to the rose ceremony due to her intensive napping schedule, just claimed she is okay with being the breadwinner.

Gist of dad’s talk: So if you don’t make like, a killing in fit tea sales, how are you expecting to afford $1,500 Tomas Maier sweat suits? And that’s just one athleisure outfit!

Get Married Make Babies

Corinne’s dad: No one puts baby in coach.

Date With Vanessa In Montreal

Liz Lemon Eye Roll

Does anyone else get really angry when they see Vanessa on screen? Like she’s suchhhh a narc.

Vanessa really knows how to show Nick a good time. First she takes him to school then makes him meet not one, but two of her families. This is even a step below church.

Vanessa to her students: Since you guys made me a scrapbook for Nick, now you’re going to help me make a scrap book of all of my dates with Nick. Here’s one where I’m making out with him in a bikini. Here’s another one where he’s just nearly caressing my breast. This is highly appropriate for a teacher!!!!

The students are like, no bitch we ain’t making no scrap book of your 6-week-long vacation while we sat here in fucking Canada.

Ugh VANESSA. Like you need to get over yourself s’il vous plait. 

She’s obviously testing him on all 600 of her family members’ names and every single word of the Italian language before he walks into the house. I wouldn’t be surprised if she passive-aggressively sent him a gift certificate for Rosetta Stone after this date thinking it’d be romantic.

Mom: What do you like about Vanessa?
Nick: Well, when she got out of the limo I was like DAYUMMMMM GIRL!
Mom: Um yah not the answer I was looking for.

Vanessa’s brother: So let’s say you move, what would you do job-wise?
Vanessa: Obviously nurture the special needs community of Milwaukee. PSYCH. Imma sell sunglasses on Instagram.

Vanessa Is Also A Famewhore

But really, why does her brother have a thicker Italian accent than her mom? Also are we sure that was her brother and not Seth Green? I feel like in high school, he’s the guy I totally would’ve made out with on a cruise.

I love how everyone is making Nick out to be a huge jobless loser. I LOVE IT.

Vanessa’s mom: Nick better not break up with Vanessa because the family doesn’t want to deal with her crying and shit again. 

This date is so heavy and boring which is indicative of what Nick and Vanessa’s relationship would look like. It would be so intense all the time. I feel like Vanessa is to Nick is what Nick was to Andi.

Vanessa’s dad: So did you ask for the other fathers’ blessings too?
Nick: In a way… I ran it by them.
…SMOOTH.

That was a fair question Vanessa’s dad, because he did and that was such a bad move that he totally deserved to be caught.

I loved that Vanessa was trying to scope out their convo through her dad. Did he say he asked the other dads’ blessing too? Oh. 

Speaking of Andi, here she comes next week. She looks really good tbh but wow they’re pulling out all the stops to get these ratings up. And it’s Fantasy Suites week which means even more noises coming from the bedrooms. And by noises I mean Nick’s sobs.