The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5

Catch Up On Last Week: The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

This week’s episode of The Bachelor featured the very best of Louisiana, the very worst of Corinne, and about 3-5 full sentences total uttered by Nick. We also learned a lot this episode, like that there are a lot of parades in New Orleans, haunted houses aren’t above selling out, and that Corinne is basically the Donald Trump of The Bachelor.

Rose Ceremony

These two idiots debating what emotional intelligence is makes about as much sense as Jax Taylor giving a lecture on foreign policy.

Taylor: I never said you’re stupid, I just don’t think you’re very emotionally intelligent.
Corinne: That’s not what I’m talking about, you dumb bitch – Things emotionally intelligent people don’t say.

Corinne: You not going out of your way to say hi to people is going to be fake.

This conversation quickly evolved from “Taylor doesn’t say hi to everyone in the morning” to “Taylor is a huge bully”. Thank you, alcohol and psychological manipulation.

Omg Corinne is totally gaslighting Taylor to make her think she’s the one that’s here for the wrong reasons. It’s sort of impressive, yet evil.

Corinne to Taylor: You don’t say hi to anyone, you have a stank face and to be honest, you have mad split ends.

Corinne then goes to chat with Nick about why Taylor is the worst.

Corinne: Taylor IS a bully. I know it. She knows it. Everyone knows it.

Corinne to Nick: I know Taylor’s like socially retarded and rude but she’s my friend so like, promise me you won’t make fun of her okay?
Nick: I really appreciate your maturity in all his.


“What does THAT say about your emotional intelligence bitchhhh?”
“Who looks stupid now bitch.”
“This bitch in insane.”

Why is Corinne Jesse Pinkman?

I’ve never seen someone drink as much Champagne as Corinne. She must be sleeping all the time because she’s so hungover.

“Hashtag winning” – Corinne clearly re-watched Ben Flajnik’s season and is using Courtney’s exact same lines to get a book deal or some shit after this season.

Nick then gets ready to distribute the roses.

Nick: It’s really great that the girls were able to pretend to embrace Milwaukee, means a lot.

Josephine was shocked when he called her name, she was already mentally home in her own bed.

Laterz Astrid, I guess this is the last and only time I’ll get to use this joke.

Is it legal to have these women out there in this freezing tundra of Wisconsin?

Off To Louisiana

OMG A MARRIOTT HOTEL NO FUCKING WAY! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!! I mean that’s the only reason I can imagine these girls are jumping on a hotel bed after the age of 12.

Chris B. Harrison: We’re in New Orleans!
The girls: No Shit.

Suddenly they’re in New Orleans and all these girls’ hidden “y’alls” come out?

Date With Rachel

Rachel and Nick actually seem to get along well and it’s not like, forced and for TV and shit.

Rachel: Then I realize the band was for us and so we started dancing!
The band: Move bitch you’re in the middle of our parade.

Who knew Rachel was a professional New Orleans street dancer?

Ugh I love Rachel I hope if she doesn’t win she’s the Bachelorette.

They then go to a dark room for a live concert in the middle of the day. Did they just leave in the middle of the concert without saying a word about it? The band must’ve cancelled their sponsorship halfway through the show.

This creepy dinner place looks like a great place for Nick to murder Rachel.

Rachel: *Tells long emotional story about her last time being in New Orleans and making a life change*
Nick: That’s crazy

She is like, kneeling in front of him to kiss him. Nick, can you be a gentleman and get up?

The only part of this journey that Nick hasn’t practiced before is meeting someone’s parents before having the chance to reject them.

Group Date

They’re at Houmas House, which looks exactly like the house Reese Witherspoon pretends to live in in Sweet Home Alabama. Ugh I want a falafel.

Danielle: We meet Boo and he’s kinda creepy. – I mean, he does look like he’s from Scary Movie.

Raven is definitely into crystals and astrology and all that shit. She’s like, basically a waitress from True Blood.

If I were Nick I would get rid of all the idiot girls that bought into this ghost shit.

Side note: Why does little May look like John Adams?

They then play Ouija boards, asking questions about Nick’s love life. Do haunted houses from the 1800s all come equipped with Ouija boards??

Next, in a terrifying twist of events, the lights suddenly go out!

Nick: I need 2 volunteers to touch my dick before the lights come on.

Meanwhile Back At The House

Corinne actually does a pretty good Taylor impression.

Taylor is like, about to take bath salts to deal with this date anxiety. Instead she sniffs scented vials from Bath & Body Works.

Can we discuss Corinne’s room service order—wings, steak, and fries. I feel like the producers got her drunk alone in her hotel room so she would say fucked up things and then bribed her with drunk food. Like, no one casually takes a bubble bath with an entire camera crew and producers watching.

Back At The Date

Nick: The doll is gone! Who touched it?
Me: The producers.

Nothing like telling Danielle L. telling Nick she’s falling for him while searching for a toy of the ghost of a dead 8-year-old.

Can they not defame May’s memory by handing out a group date rose in her room?


One On One Shop Betches

Get your Bachelor tee here!

“Make America Corinne again” – I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, both because that makes no sense and because Corinne is giving me strong DJT vibes.

Is this woman the white exorcist from True Blood? Her fedora really screams “healer.”

Taylor’s looking at this tarot bitch like:

Healer: There is a woman who is trying to tear you down in the house and who is out to get you.  – Cut to a producer whispering these lines into this woman’s ear. This woman should be ashamed of herself, using her special psychic gifts to produce higher ratings on The Bachelor.

Both of these women fucking suck. Corinne, you ALREADY told Nick there’s a problem with Taylor!! Taylor, you’re a mental health professional. You’re better than this.

Corinne to the witch woman: How do you make a voodoo doll specific to a person?

Is Taylor’s middle name “emotional intelligence”? It’s like, the one word she picked up in mental health counselor school.

This is like where Tara Thornton’s mom has her exorcism performed.

Taylor, on Nick and Corinne: Their relationship will be built off whipped cream and lies. – I feel like this will be the title of Corinne’s memoir.

YAS questioning each other’s career bylines! The moment I’ve been waiting for!

Corinne: You’re not a real mental health counselor!
Taylor: You’re not a real multimillion dollar business owner!
Me: Neither of these are legitimate careers or relationships!

Related: What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run? An Investigation

Nick: Taylor and Corinne clearly don’t like each other. But as usual this isn’t about them. It’s about me and who’s more likely to give a good blowjob. That being said, Corinne will you accept this rose?

YUGE mistake, Nick. YUGE

He obviously just thinks Corinne is hotter, and Taylor is having a v bad hair day.

They then abandon Taylor in the bayou and awkwardly float away on the motor boat.

Corinne’s voiceover: Dear diary, Today I learned Corinne is far from a fucking idiot and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her. Also, I have 65 Zika-infested mosquito bites from my date on the bayou.

I guess the voodoo doll worked.

Then Taylor, aka worst mental health counselor of all time, gets her own exorcism from the Louisiana healer while making some weird-ass proclamations about herself. This will probably deter many future men from dating her. “I am the water sign. I’m the one that’s emotionally intuitive and aware. I’m the one being bathed in the blood of crawfish by New Orleans witches.” 

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.