The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 3

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was full of shocking twists and revelations, specifically of Corinne’s boobs (again), and Nick revealing to the contestants that he did indeed have sex with Liz, which leads to the question of whether Nick has ever had sex and then NOT informed 20 million people about it (if you’re that lucky girl, pls email us, we have a spot on the podcast for you).

End Of Last Cocktail Hour

It’s kind of unfortunate that Nick has to make this long-winded speech about the Liz situation because having to talk for so long at once means he’s no longer able to hide his lisp anymore. Tho thad!

He pretends he’s not into Liz because she “couldn’t answer his questions” about why she came here when we all know that’s just code for “been there done that saved the condom wrapper.”

Nick: If you have any questions about the Liz situation I’m holding office hours at the end of this rose ceremony. Thx. Lmk.

What is this horrendous tie, Nick? That’s the real crime here, not lying about sleeping with Liz.

Hailey: OMG I missed you so much it’s like so hard not seeing you for so long.
Nick: Yeah definitely but also what’s your name?

Random girl: I’m willing to overlook that Nick had sex with Liz, but if he does it with any other girls I’m out.
::Cue Corinne’s naked ass::

Corinne: I really feel a connection with Nick and can see a serious future together
Inner Corinne: Take your top off.

I love how the producers try to hide the Reddi Whip label probably because they refused to pay half a million to sponsor this hot fucking mess of a show.

Reddi Whip

Nick: I love that Corinne seems really comfortable with her body and really comfortable with showing me her tits.

Nick then leaves Corinne to talk with Jasmine and plays it like, really cool and casual: Ah well good seeing you. Talk to you later, Jobin.

I love you man

Ditching the rose ceremony to PTFO is actually the most bad-ass move Corinne has made all season. I love it. Not gonna lie, I’m a little jeal of her sleeping habits.

Girl who didn’t get rose: I guess you have to be a little vulnerable to allow people to love you
Me: Fuck.

Catty Bitches Chilling In Bach House Time

Chris Harrison comes down to announce the date in his flannel shirt and might as well be wearing a sign around his neck that says CAN’T BE BOTHERED.

Alexis sounds so much like Sammi Sweetheart it’s ridiculous. She’s going to be perfect on Bachelor in Paradise.

Corinne reveals to the other girls that she still has a nanny, setting herself up for the ultimate blackmail to make her sound like the least wife material possible.

“Raquel keeps my life together. She makes sure my bed is made and makes my cucumber salad for lunch and cheese and then she slips in a Frozen DVD and I have my nap and that’s like a full day at the office for me!”

Is Raquel casually the new Dorota?

“I had to do some big girl stuff” – says owner of “multi-million dollar company.”

“Washing my clothes makes Raquel happy, and I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness” – That’s called a paycheck Corinne, clearly a thing you’ve never received.

Can’t wait for next year when Corinne comes on our podcast and irrationally defends having a nanny at age 24 and claims it was editing that made her look bad.

“Danielle L is beautiful but not much more” – Corinne. You know that saying about how the thing you criticize in other people is actually what’s wrong with you? Yeah.

Backstreet Boys Group Date

I can’t believe the Backstreet Boys agreed to be on this show. My 5th grade self is really ashamed of how far they’ve fallen. On the bright side, at least the girls actually get to give a shit about the performer and don’t have to pretend like they do every season.

I guess Backstreet Over-the-Hill Middle Aged Men doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

Remember when Nick Carter was the Justin Bieber of 2003? Is Justin Bieber going to be a week 3 group date in 2027?

Corinne: Planned dancing isn’t really my thing. I’m a woman of the pole.

Corinne: I’m not a crybaby like when all the attention’s not on me I’m not gonna cry
Corinne: *Goes in bathroom and cries*

Date With Vanessa

Okay so this date looks legit so fun and also Vanessa is a Penelope Cruz doppelgänger who is way too good for Nick.

Vanessa says she has to puke so Nick takes the comforting approach of lightly scratching at her neck like a cat. This is why I don’t do dates. See:

One on One

Get your very own Bachelor tee here, duh.

I can’t believe he kissed her post-puke sesh. Desperado mucho?

Vanessa: It was awkward but he didn’t want to leave my side – what was he going to do, jump out of the plane?

V, don’t desecrate the memory of your grandfather by suggesting he would have really wanted you to go on The Bachelor.

Group Date 2

Sarah, what’s it like to be a grade school teacher on this show? Also how do you take off 4 months from your classroom? That’s just bad teaching.

Rachel’s so pretty and normal. WTF is she doing here?

“I had a pretty tough breakup with Dominique as it was also the first time I spoke to her so like, doubly uncomfortable convo.” As a fourth-timer on this show you would think Nick would know you can’t use the “our relationship won’t be able to catch up” excuse until at least week 6.

Pool Party

Chris Harrison: Nick has decided that he needs to see everyone’s tits one last time before the next rose ceremony so we are going to get rid of the cocktail ceremony and replace it with a pool party.

Nick: I love that Corinne is fun and playful. I hope my future wife is fun and playful and topless too!
…Yeah Corinne would make a great wife if you decided to move to Puerto Vallarta and get married at Señor Frogs.

Raven: Listen Nick, Corinne has a nanny.
Nick: Sick, do you have one too? New bar has been set.
Raven: She can’t even wash a spoon.
Nick: Yes but does she give good head?

Vanessa then decides to tell Nick the fuck off right before a very underwhelming cliffhanger.

Vanessa: I see you riding her
Nick: I mean… that’s fair.

Vanessa: Are you looking for a wife or are you looking to fuck?
Nick: Bothesies

The Betches
The Betches
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana are the three co-founders of Betches. Aleen serves as Chief Executive Officer, Sami as Chief Creative Officer, and Jordana as Chief Innovation Officer.