After the phoned in bullshit we were given last week, this week’s episode should have delivered something, but instead it just maintained this season’s rep of being so fucking boring. I love how the producers are still making us just like pretend that we don’t know Rachel is leaving. Chris Harrison did not deliver when he said this was going to be the most dramatic season ever. The only way it’ll become more dramatic is if someone buys Raven a vibrator.
NICK & RAVEN
The episode takes a full thirty seconds to answer the only real question we’ve all been dying to answer since last week: did Raven orgasm? Apparently, yes because the editors then dedicated the next 2-3 minutes to us watching a post-orgasm Raven prance around Finland in the snow. She makes snow angels, sleds by herself (why the fuck would you sled by yourself?), and kisses a deer. You know, normal “I just had my first orgasm at 25 years old” type stuff.
Also, they def did not tell Raven this is what they were going to use that footage for. The producers were prob just like “Hey Rav we need some b-roll of you kissing a deer and sledding and shit, that cool?” and she was like “I beat the shit out of my boyfriend with a stiletto, I’ll do anything”
“Nick is really good at what he does, so I’m pretty satisfied today.” – Raven#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/4q0emrB4IB
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 7, 2017
RACHEL & NICK
Rachel arrives just in time to save the show from flying off the rails less than 30 minutes into a three hour marathon. Nick then proceeds to invite Rachel, the first black bachelorette, on the whitest date ever. Cross country skiing in turtle necks… Like oh let me drag my cold ass horizontally across Finland. Sounds great.
Rachel: I am having a hard time accepting that I’m here.
Nick: I know, this is a huge win for The Bachelor‘s diversity team.
Nick then tells Rachel he’s falling for her and it’s like…wait….isn’t that ILLEGAL? And also like…aren’t you about to send Rachel home? What’s going on? Is this a conspiracy? Is the Russian ambassador involved? Is Rachel fake news?
Rachel uses the end of her date to debut her full-body fuzzy penguin onesie that literally screams “I don’t need no man. I don’t need any of this shit. I am the first black Bachelorette. Thanks for the subpar sex and this dope-ass onesie.”
NICK & VANESSA
Vanessa strolls up and I’m like “Ugh literally not Vanessa. Can you go back to your acting class please?”
After cross-country skiing you’d think Nick couldn’t come up with a more torturous date but then we saw Vanessa’s date: a glorified ice bucket challenge.
A winter Finland ice bath actually seems like the worst thing. @BachelorABC #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/PhlrFvx7OI
— Good Morning America (@GMA) March 7, 2017
On that note—does Nick hate Vanessa? Like, is he trying to get her killed? Serious question.
Nick and Vanessa then fight for their entire date and it literally makes no sense that she has made it this far. Also, their sex is definitely the kind where they stare into each others eyes while wrapped in the same sheet until they climax in unison.
Vanessa: There is nothing that I won’t compromise on, like pasta for lunch.
Vanessa five seconds later: Relationships are based on compromise. ::cries hysterically::
The date ends with Nick being all randomly patriotic and literally saying “I’m proud to be an American,” and that he doesn’t want to move to Canada to eat spaghetti with Vanessa’s insane family every Sunday. Maybe his mind has changed since the election?
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Nick starts crying as soon as the rose ceremony begins, cries through the entire thing, and we honestly have no evidence that he’s ever stopped.
Seriously though, is Nick okay? Like, do we need to set him up to see a specialist? I know of a mental health counselor who is looking for work these days…
So Nick then inexplicably sends Rachel home, even though he told her he was falling for her and she’s not fucking horrible like Vanessa. Rachel looked totally shocked (and nippy—can someone get her a coat???) which seems reasonable since it made no sense and Nick just cried hysterically and provided 0 information. But then again, the only thing that would have made this make sense would be if Nick looked directly to camera and said “I am releasing Rachel so that she can be the first black Bachelorette. I do not deserve her. I am now doomed to spend the rest of my days either orgasm-ing Raven or eating tortellini with Vanessa’s insane sister.”