After last week’s dramatic rose ceremony, this week didn’t fail to maintain the current level of bat shit level drama we’ve come to expect from Bachelor In Paradise. Couples were solidified, some girls said a lot of delusional shit, and Kalon arrived to get burned both literally and metaphorically in Mexico. Michelle Money was so happy she got one more week away from her kid that she’s was crying hysterically for the first few minutes of the episode. Let’s take a look at some other shit that happened.
Sarah and Robert and Michelle
What world does Michelle think she’s in that she would be asked on a date with Robert after he just tried to kick her off the show for Sarah?
Michelle is so depressed, like give your daughter up for adoption if you’re going to be bitching about how no one wants you because of her.
Who has one arm and is excited about her date with Robert?!?!
Why is Michelle doing Sarah’s hair if she’s so bummed? Like can’t she find someone else to make her a shitty braid?
Michelle money gives a bad name to single women in their 30s everywhere.
Did someone smuggle in flash tattoos to paradise!? “This is Saradise!”
Clare and Cody and Zack
Every single guy comes and picks Clare immediately. I don’t get it at all.
Clare then tries to have the talk with Zack but he’s SO not having it. It’s kind of a bold move on Clare’s part and I’m weirdly into it.
Clare: I’ve put my eggs in one basket before
Zack: I mean my eggs have been in your basket this whole time
Clare: I just want a man who puts his eggs in my basket
WHOSE EGGS ARE IN WHOSE BASKET… WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE EGGS?
Clare: I want somebody that’s certain that he came here for Clare.
Clare. It’s been 6 days – Cody doesn’t know what he wants he just thinks you’re hot, Michelle doesn’t care what you have to say she just wants you to break up so she can have Zack for herself.
Cody: As long as I’m here Cody’s always going to be trying to get with Clare. – Omg they’re perfect for each other. They should get married and only refer to themselves in the third person.
Why is Cody hard core flirting with Marcus? Chill out Aryan Mike Sorrentino.
Tan Christine Taylor Lacy looks so high all the time
Michelle Money talks a big game and then accepts this fucking date. I can smell Michelle’s desperation through my television.
On his romantic impending date with Michelle: I just wanted to zip line right into her tits.
Kalon to Sarah and Jackie: You guys are just posted up here like a couple of sun lizards.
Sarah: Did he just call us sun lizards?
Ugh this is so great Kalon is being rejected so hard. 0 for 3, that’s got to be a record, I guess assholes sometimes finish last.
Kalon does not tan well enough to be talking all this shit. Could he BE any more sunburned?
OMG he went on the date alone. “I’ve done the nice guy thing. What a loser.” All of America must’ve missed it that one time you did the nice guy thing.
“Had they given me a heads up I would’ve chartered a chopper.” I just threw up in my mouth. He’s so gross “I can’t say I’ve ever rappelled into a giant Mexican hole but I’ve repelled into a tight Mexican hole.”
“This is the perfect place to re-fall in love with myself.”
I like how the camera zoomed into his non-abs
Okay that’s enough of this solo date; I really don’t care about Kalon and his stupid body.
Jesse and Jackie
I like when couples have unisex names.
Jesse: Of course I wanna go on a date with her I wanna go with a date with every girl here to be honest with you.
Marquel is such a pussy. MAKE A MOVE.
“I wish I was on this date with Jesse.” – Marquel
Jesse’s response to Jackie’s question of strategy is such intense bullshit, these assholes really think quickly on their feet. It’s kind of fucked up that she has to give up her “connection” with Marquel for Jesse when he is just using her to meet other girls!!!
There’s 0 chemistry on this Jesse and Jackie date. He tells her he’s into her with as much conviction he would a discuss powerpoint presentation.
Back at The House
Why is Cody riding Michelle like one of those mechanical pony rides outside the mall?
Yeah Cody is totally mature enough to handle a woman with a baby. He looks like he’s on six different types of steroids.
“Be yourself, be yourself” – Lacy
Clare, that’s what happens when you ask out Graham, AshLee tries to fucking ruin your life when you let your guard down for one second by making your boyfriend break up with you. And then tries to call YOU crazy. Is there a psych ward in paradise?
Lacy: You don’t just come to paradise and be someone that you’re not. – Lacy since when are you the rule maker for what you’re supposed to come to paradise for? You don’t even go here!
“You don’t mess with Clare Crowley ever.” I didn’t realize Clare was the Zohan.
Ashley: I work really hard on my character, I work really hard to make everyone around me happy. – Shit fake people say.
Clare’s going to get her Mexican knives and fuck AshLee up but really I hope she beats AshLee up so she has to personally re-organize her whole face. Honestly though, how stupid do you have to be to talk shit about a girl to the guy she’s hooking up with… like even if the cameras weren’t on her, he would probably still tell her.
These guys are such fucking dicks trying so hard to stay. They don’t care how many girls they have to fake fall in love with for one more night of vacay. Come to think of it, this is exactly how bros would act if their stay on spring break was contingent on them taking you on a date to the Acapulco Hooters.
Cody’s actual idea of romance: I just wanna spend every minute with you. I wanna lay on the beach and perfect our tans. #Truelove
Marcus and Lacy are just like the boring sounding board now for what’s going on in the house. ABC probably figures if they can’t get any drama out of them they will just force them to explain the dynamics of every other relationship on the show.
Omg Graham such a betch ordering a vodka soda.
Graham better accept that rose or AshLee is going to fucking kill him. Graham shouldn’t reject the rose, he should accept it, then like ditch her the next day OBV. But then like, sleep with one eye open.
More importantly, who were those two shirtless people sitting on that bench behind the scenes?