Buckle up, betches, it’s about to be a wild night on Bach in Par. JK we’re not using that phrase and it’s also a relatively unexciting episode ahead. Whoo.
Ashley I. is back and explaining to Chris Harrison why she came for a guy that has made an obvious choice to not be with her. Ashley I. is the definition of pathetic girl trying too hard to hard to get a guy who could not be less interested in her.
After making a pathetic girl goal of only crying three total times in paradise, she immediately blasts past that limit in the first five minutes of the show like some sort of Moaning Myrtle of the Bachelor franchise.
Tears are like lies, the more you use them the less they’re worth. #niceisjustaplaceinfrance
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 3, 2013
Myrtle confronts Caila for going out with Jared even though she specifically asked her not to. Thus ensues the most basic nicegirl confrontation of all time.
Let’s pause for a quick sec and attempt to figure out how Ashley’s makeup stays so perfect through every one of these cries. I’ve seen The Hills; I know most girls at least lose some mascara after those waterworks. Not Ashley. Her makeup is still amazing despite being flushed with 9 gallons of tears and the heat of Mexico. Amaze.
Ashley takes Alien (as in extra terrestrial and also foreigner) Daniel on a pity date where she still holds to the fact that she’s a virgin. Hun, that choker says otherwise, but whatever. Ashley informs Daniel that he’s definitely not her first choice and he’s weirdly okay with it. You have a 10-pack, Daniel. Get some damn self esteem.
Daniel tells the camera with his creepy, soulless eyes that he wants to de-flower Ashley.
Woah. Too soon and also we all just threw up in our mouths a little bit. What about Sarah? Didn’t you like her just a day ago, Daniel? Fuck you and your unclever Canadian jokes.
In a bout of weird, most likely inaccurate cultural appropriation, some indigenously dressed Mexican folk come to steal Ashley in order to “sacrifice a virgin”. I’m pretty sure they got this idea from The House Bunny and not from an ancient Mexican tradition.
Poor lispy Nick has been alone in paradise since Josh came back for round two of fucking Nick’s life over. That is, until Jen shows up. Yeah, nobody really remembered you until Caila mentions you were on the same season. Then we still don’t remember you but are pretending like we do.
Fuck Evan. He has to go to the hospital because his “ankles are swollen”. WTF kind of ailment is that? Of course, the creep-ass little bitch uses this as an opportunity to take Carly on a sad hospital date. Can we get Evan off this beach before he murders everyone in their sleep?
“I would love if we swam with dolphins. Fun fact about dolphins, they have sex for pleasure. Fun fact about me, I also have sex with reality show stars for pleasure” -Jen
Nick immediately gets a boner.
Spoiler alert, Nick and Jen get crabs on the date. JK but it’s like crabbier than a Joe’s Crab Shack on the beach. Also, who just sits bare-ass in the sand? Have you ever actually made out with someone on a beach before? It’s a horrible idea. Sounds like you’ll be scraping sand out of your crotch for, like, the next three days.
This is probably why Josh and Amanda are always making out in front of everyone else. They’re trying to stay on the furniture to prevent sand chafing. Good on them.
It’s the guys’ turn to hand out the roses, so obviously it’s time for Ashley I. to make a move and convince the guy who has made it implicitly clear that he doesn’t want to be with her that he should be with her.
Nick earns major points with America for being the only voice of reason on the show. He’s like, chill girl, you don’t love this guy and he’s never going to be with you.
“Nick is so wrong” -Ashley I.
“Nick is not wrong” -literally everyone else
Ashley’s generally on point makeup is looking super clownish as she makes a final plea to Jared to give her a rose. Your over-injected lips combined with the “22” Kylie Lip Kit are not doing you any favors, hun.
Can we just talk about how average Jared is to have so many girls after him? He’s not that hot and also really emotionally stunted. In no way do I think any of these girls are justified in their feelings toward him. Maybe compared to Evan, though, he’s a real catch.
Rose ceremony is next week. Make your predictions now.